GenesAndEnvironment
Autistic loser
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,739
One who lacks motivation is easily helped. One who lacks the motivation to fix the lack of motivation needs a miracle.
I am 23, a man living in my mom's basement. I have attempted several educations and jobs, always seem to end up breaking down due to the lack of romantic affection. Quickly, too, I can only last for a matter of weeks. At this point just imagining being hugged by a woman will send me into an emotional hell. I'd describe it as explosive crying, the amount of tears often gives me moderate symptoms of dehydration and I have to have some water nearby when this happens. It has not decreased in intensity at all, six years.
I was attractive back in the day, almost 100% due to being much more narcissistic and arrogant/ignorant. I was also cold as ice, calm as a cucumber, intelligent and mysterious--you know the type. Must have looked good enough, tall and thin. Due to my autism I ended up rejecting and/or not approaching all of my crushes during this period of my life (about 14-17). One single character flaw has been dragging me to oblivion, with little to no resistance, for all these years.
I eventually stopped playing the social game and became apathetic. I started doing the bare minimum to get into my education of choice, which meant playing a shit-ton of videogames. I rejected all invitations to social events. After about six months of this I started hearing about one of my crushes kissing someone at a party or having sex or something. That was when I first started feeling the pain that would become the most prominent and eventually all-consuming factor in my life.
During my first attempt at what is called adulthood, I ended up having suicidal ideation to the point of experiencing physical urges to stab myself. I was in STEM (had moved out) and we had one or two women in the class. One of them solved a problem in a very smart yet casual way, so the same old barrage of pain would resume at full force, and it has not stopped to this day. I can think of any woman I ever liked, or someone imaginary, or someone I didn't like at the time, or just a non-specific or conceptual "woman/girlfriend" entity--and still experience the same emotional intensity and debilitating pain as the first moment I saw her/thought of her.
I was told to seek help. Didn't think there was even a 1% chance of pills, or the words of boomers, to somehow remove this hollow coldness in my gut. Well, why not give it a shot? It was that or death.
They gave me pills, and of course "someone to talk to". Didn't catch my autism at that point, no surprise. I used the pills over several years, max dosages and different variations. The last combination of pills, an SSRI and something else, turned off my (already low amount of) empathy and made me aggressive. Would enter states of rage, became a completely different person, the furthest possible away from who I was back before my decline. I am very lucky I did not encounter any hostile situations during that time.
Oh, and I obviously quit the education. Parents told me to come home (I'd have preferred a "return with your shield or on it" approach, with a vial of N in the mail). Ended up failing at several jobs and educations from there on, it was like shooting without ammunition. Got a really shitty "attempt" in during this time, no medical attention was needed.
The meds are still in me, long after stoppage. Every time I post something cringey on this forum (unfunny jokes, etc), or become weird/unnatural in some way, I can't help but suspect that they are still lingering in my brain. Or maybe it's just the effects of the pain, all of the detestable defense mechanisms that are needed to survive the hour. Sour grapes to the point of absurdity, hardcore coping.
Joined SaSu almost a year ago. Slowly made my way to accept my current method. Struggled with theories of the afterlife, and the impact of a suicide on my family. I tend to not be very skeptical at first and to hear people out, try their theories on for size before coming to a conclusion. Doing this with shit about how you're going to Hell isn't fun, but that's how I work. Think I'm going to have to go with atheism, I've looked for a single convincing argument of an afterlife existing and there just isn't one that I've found, even though I have been convinced at times (mostly of Buddhistic stuff). Did not grow up with any religion, and imo no afterlife is the best possible case, so I hope I'm right.
I also reached the conclusion of hard determinism. This is a straightforward effect of accepting physicalism/materialism. With all of this I think there is a huge uncertainty zone, since we don't have access to so much information (made to have children, not to understand things). I still have to go with my best guess, I think. I mean, saying "I don't know" to everything wouldn't be entirely honest or accurate, imo. Someone very wise did express disdain for physicalism, but I have to go with what I've got atm, all I can do. Again, haven't found any good arguments against hard determinism, have been looking.
The family, that's the hardest part. They'll suffer, they won't benefit in any way from my death. Best way to cope with this is hard determinism, I guess. If it happens, it happens--tough shit. I am a biological calculator, I reached a result and now I'm displaying it.
Still, no great reason to ctb now rather than in a year or two. Will avoid some pain, yes, but I'm kind of used to it. Most of the time I'm in somewhat of a neutral state (not crying, just thing lingering loneliness/void). And in the grand scheme of things I don't think a year or two of emotional pain is that big of a deal for me. The older I get, the easier it will be for my family, that I do believe. But I don't want to overdo it and wait ten years. Would be great if my sister had moved out and gotten a bf/gf or something.
The neurotypicals/self-help people are largely correct when they point out that attitude is a huge deal. I think you'd have to have impaired reality testing to not see how an attitude can change almost anything but the laws of physics. Think and act like you're attractive when you're not? You will literally be more attractive. Think you're smarter than you really are? Your intelligence will increase with time. Thing is, to change the attitude you need a reason to. If you've dug too far and are now sitting in the garden with roots in your lap, the soil doesn't matter. You need help. Real help, not a phone number, not a friend. Not a conversation, not an ear; nothing that can exist in the minds of neurotypicals.
The suicidal that doesn't go on a podcast and say that there's help after a failed attempt. The incel that never leaves the basement. We are not the same as the others. We are lacking that core, the crew behind the set. We are bleeding out, and words are not going to touch us.
Thanks for coming to my Ted talk. If you or anybody you know is struggling during these hard times, please call 069 420 1337. Help is just a phone call away.
I am 23, a man living in my mom's basement. I have attempted several educations and jobs, always seem to end up breaking down due to the lack of romantic affection. Quickly, too, I can only last for a matter of weeks. At this point just imagining being hugged by a woman will send me into an emotional hell. I'd describe it as explosive crying, the amount of tears often gives me moderate symptoms of dehydration and I have to have some water nearby when this happens. It has not decreased in intensity at all, six years.
I was attractive back in the day, almost 100% due to being much more narcissistic and arrogant/ignorant. I was also cold as ice, calm as a cucumber, intelligent and mysterious--you know the type. Must have looked good enough, tall and thin. Due to my autism I ended up rejecting and/or not approaching all of my crushes during this period of my life (about 14-17). One single character flaw has been dragging me to oblivion, with little to no resistance, for all these years.
I eventually stopped playing the social game and became apathetic. I started doing the bare minimum to get into my education of choice, which meant playing a shit-ton of videogames. I rejected all invitations to social events. After about six months of this I started hearing about one of my crushes kissing someone at a party or having sex or something. That was when I first started feeling the pain that would become the most prominent and eventually all-consuming factor in my life.
During my first attempt at what is called adulthood, I ended up having suicidal ideation to the point of experiencing physical urges to stab myself. I was in STEM (had moved out) and we had one or two women in the class. One of them solved a problem in a very smart yet casual way, so the same old barrage of pain would resume at full force, and it has not stopped to this day. I can think of any woman I ever liked, or someone imaginary, or someone I didn't like at the time, or just a non-specific or conceptual "woman/girlfriend" entity--and still experience the same emotional intensity and debilitating pain as the first moment I saw her/thought of her.
I was told to seek help. Didn't think there was even a 1% chance of pills, or the words of boomers, to somehow remove this hollow coldness in my gut. Well, why not give it a shot? It was that or death.
They gave me pills, and of course "someone to talk to". Didn't catch my autism at that point, no surprise. I used the pills over several years, max dosages and different variations. The last combination of pills, an SSRI and something else, turned off my (already low amount of) empathy and made me aggressive. Would enter states of rage, became a completely different person, the furthest possible away from who I was back before my decline. I am very lucky I did not encounter any hostile situations during that time.
Oh, and I obviously quit the education. Parents told me to come home (I'd have preferred a "return with your shield or on it" approach, with a vial of N in the mail). Ended up failing at several jobs and educations from there on, it was like shooting without ammunition. Got a really shitty "attempt" in during this time, no medical attention was needed.
The meds are still in me, long after stoppage. Every time I post something cringey on this forum (unfunny jokes, etc), or become weird/unnatural in some way, I can't help but suspect that they are still lingering in my brain. Or maybe it's just the effects of the pain, all of the detestable defense mechanisms that are needed to survive the hour. Sour grapes to the point of absurdity, hardcore coping.
Joined SaSu almost a year ago. Slowly made my way to accept my current method. Struggled with theories of the afterlife, and the impact of a suicide on my family. I tend to not be very skeptical at first and to hear people out, try their theories on for size before coming to a conclusion. Doing this with shit about how you're going to Hell isn't fun, but that's how I work. Think I'm going to have to go with atheism, I've looked for a single convincing argument of an afterlife existing and there just isn't one that I've found, even though I have been convinced at times (mostly of Buddhistic stuff). Did not grow up with any religion, and imo no afterlife is the best possible case, so I hope I'm right.
I also reached the conclusion of hard determinism. This is a straightforward effect of accepting physicalism/materialism. With all of this I think there is a huge uncertainty zone, since we don't have access to so much information (made to have children, not to understand things). I still have to go with my best guess, I think. I mean, saying "I don't know" to everything wouldn't be entirely honest or accurate, imo. Someone very wise did express disdain for physicalism, but I have to go with what I've got atm, all I can do. Again, haven't found any good arguments against hard determinism, have been looking.
The family, that's the hardest part. They'll suffer, they won't benefit in any way from my death. Best way to cope with this is hard determinism, I guess. If it happens, it happens--tough shit. I am a biological calculator, I reached a result and now I'm displaying it.
Still, no great reason to ctb now rather than in a year or two. Will avoid some pain, yes, but I'm kind of used to it. Most of the time I'm in somewhat of a neutral state (not crying, just thing lingering loneliness/void). And in the grand scheme of things I don't think a year or two of emotional pain is that big of a deal for me. The older I get, the easier it will be for my family, that I do believe. But I don't want to overdo it and wait ten years. Would be great if my sister had moved out and gotten a bf/gf or something.
The neurotypicals/self-help people are largely correct when they point out that attitude is a huge deal. I think you'd have to have impaired reality testing to not see how an attitude can change almost anything but the laws of physics. Think and act like you're attractive when you're not? You will literally be more attractive. Think you're smarter than you really are? Your intelligence will increase with time. Thing is, to change the attitude you need a reason to. If you've dug too far and are now sitting in the garden with roots in your lap, the soil doesn't matter. You need help. Real help, not a phone number, not a friend. Not a conversation, not an ear; nothing that can exist in the minds of neurotypicals.
The suicidal that doesn't go on a podcast and say that there's help after a failed attempt. The incel that never leaves the basement. We are not the same as the others. We are lacking that core, the crew behind the set. We are bleeding out, and words are not going to touch us.
Thanks for coming to my Ted talk. If you or anybody you know is struggling during these hard times, please call 069 420 1337. Help is just a phone call away.
