Venting Messed Up

[BPD_LE]

OK so I feel like my time is nearing. I can just about handle this daily emotional pain but I refuse to anymore. I have a rough plan that needs tweaking. However because of my loose tongue, isolation and desperate need to have a chat, services know I'm actively suicidal. I'm in the UK btw so it's not like the US where you get sectioned. Here they're quite happy to allow us to wonder around! Anyway, so there's a few CPNs and Doctors that know (one I'm head over heals in love with, I know, I know, I'm not delusional, it's just the way my brain is wired) and the truth is, I enjoy talking to them. I'm not stupid enough to give specific details about my plan. But honestly, they don't really care do they. Yeah they might be sad but life's sad. I think it's sad that my only friends are doctors and nurses. Again, I'm not delusional, I know they're not really my friends. I need to get over this need to connect with people if I'm going to be successful in ctb. I can't cancel appointments or not turn up because it's too obvious. I wish I could just click my fingers and be dead. I always overcomplicate things. Am I stalling? But I really really need to ctb. I need to get my plan sorted and just go for it. Humanity is shit. Compassion in the majority of this race is dead. I don't want to be here but I want to be loved. I'm so messed up.

 

[Stan]

Oh mate............... You need to use this forum more often to get that kind of detail out in a safe place and not with the 'friends'. You will tell me better than I know but I really do think if they thought you had the equipment/drugs ready, you could get a visit from someone. If you have so little contact with people its no wonder you get fixated on some people that you do have contact with, I'm an older guy and I think I blush when I get served by a certain female assistant in tescos because that's the only human interaction I have these days. Do as you said, its good advice you are giving yourself. Tweak the plan to make sure its going to give you the journey that you want and don't say anything to them about it. My thoughts and hopes are with you.

 

[BPD_LE]

Oh mate............... You need to use this forum more often to get that kind of detail out in a safe place and not with the 'friends'. You will tell me better than I know but I really do think if they thought you had the equipment/drugs ready, you could get a visit from someone. If you have so little contact with people its no wonder you get fixated on some people that you do have contact with, I'm an older guy and I think I blush when I get served by a certain female assistant in tescos because that's the only human interaction I have these days. Do as you said, its good advice you are giving yourself. Tweak the plan to make sure its going to give you the journey that you want and don't say anything to them about it. My thoughts and hopes are with you.

Very wise and insightful reply. Thank you.

 

[Letmego. Please]

From a fellow Uk-er who doesn't have a crush on her shrink as i don't swing that way.. HI

I too am in the sad place where the only people i see or interact with are paid to check up on me, but being way older with nearly 30yrs of them following me around like an egg fart i tend not to be so chatty with them, though i did make that mistake a couple of months ago so the "Nutty Police" as i call them (when they call me their number comes up as Alert-Nutty Police Calling!) are on my back a tad, thankfully when i'm this depressed i find the whole mental process of talking difficult so they won't get anymore info of me now.

Good luck my friend & as the wise @Stan said, talk to us, we can only virtually section you lol

 

[woxihuanni]

From a fellow Uk-er who doesn't have a crush on her shrink as i don't swing that way.. HI

I too am in the sad place where the only people i see or interact with are paid to check up on me, but being way older with nearly 30yrs of them following me around like an egg fart i tend not to be so chatty with them, though i did make that mistake a couple of months ago so the "Nutty Police" as i call them (when they call me their number comes up as Alert-Nutty Police Calling!) are on my back a tad, thankfully when i'm this depressed i find the whole mental process of talking difficult so they won't get anymore info of me now.

Good luck my friend & as the wise @Stan said, talk to us, we can only virtually section you lol

Just want to chip in to say fuck nutty-police, because I can't resist. Hugs

 

[Astral316]

The only people who give me attention are paid professionals, and they know I'm suicidal because I don't have the energy to lie. I tell them I'll "eventually" hang myself, but I won't give them a date like "tomorrow, next week, etc." You're not alone.

 

[BPD_LE]

The only people who give me attention are paid professionals, and they know I'm suicidal because I don't have the energy to lie. I tell them I'll "eventually" hang myself, but I won't give them a date like "tomorrow, next week, etc." You're not alone.

I spent nearly 2 hours with my CPN today while she tried to convince me things will get better. Same, they know I'm going to hang myself, that I have the means but not where or when. I've said not at home so don't smash my door in because my dogs will be scared and I won't be there. I told her there's no point fishing for any more information. I don't lie either, honesty is important to me. I just refuse to answer the question. My next appointment is next Friday and somehow she got me to promise I'll be there. I'm so easily manipulated when someone shows me kindness. Like I said before, I want to die but I also want to be loved. I need to disengage to ctb. If not physically then emotionally and that will probably mean lying, which I'm not comfortable with. I've decided to do a bit on my plan every day until that appointment. Then practicality, I'll be ready.