the reason i want to (more so have to) ctb is so fucking stupid. i mean, i think if anyone did what i did, they probably couldn't live with themselves either. there's very few things that are permanent: death, bringing a child into the world, a lot of disabilities (whether born with or caused by an accident)... and then there's this secret thing that i did that i'm too shameful to admit... i just can't believe i did this. i'm just so disappointed and angry at myself. everything was in line for me and i just had to go and fuck it up. not to take away accountability from myself, but the idea came out of nowhere, it almost feels like i was cursed or turned manic or something. i will never understand how i could make the choice i did, never. i am trying to fix it now as a last resort before i decide to ctb. i'm not religious and still don't believe in god, but i'm praying that this can be resolved. i want to live, i really do. but i can't live with myself unless i can fix this. sending lots of love, and i'm so sorry.
Perhaps if you post general information about what you did, people can offer advice or suggestions about possible solutions. It seems that your first choice is to solve whatever is going on, which is probably a good idea. The more you can or choose to share, the more options you might find available for taking care of whatever is going on.
this is very kind and wise, thank you <3. i want to share, but it just makes me feel like a monster. i'm having my mom help me with resolving this issue, and hopefully, that will work, but the risk is still there.
Nobody here is without fault... People screw up... It's part of life. I hope your mom can help with the issue... If you get to the point where you need/want advice, perhaps you can post at least general info about what's going on. I hope things get taken care of.
