DoodleBug
Just a guy passing by
- Dec 9, 2019
- 134
Yaaaay time to vent. I hate doing that. Where else, though?
It's christmas dinner in a couple of hours, most likely the last one for me. It is a mission and a half to maintain composure while setting everything up. The worst part is avoiding any longer conversations with family that I have a pretty awkward relationship with. It would be nice to have some closure with them before my date, but we will see. Having the wafer sharing over with already would be great, but everything will turn out how it will.
The anticipation of a cumbersome dinner, lights flickering here and there, the "big counting" of minutes until the time for the meet and greet comes. My district is surprisingly quiet, the weather's mellow. Everybody at home grew weary and tired of celebrating christmas for longer than an hour or two, which is actually great. All in all, though, the family isn't the issue. tl;dr - I failed them many times, couldn't find the common ground for the longest time as I'm growing more and more distant. Most of the tension's on my part.
I'm just feeling like I shouldn't wait so long until ctb. I wanted to give myself some time to get my shit together, makes myself presentable before leaving, experiencing something new in this boring life, pursue something that will help me give myself another chance. This is all bullshit, I'll just spiral down deeper into the den of addiction and broken promises. Yes, it's hard to "compress" your shit, while only focusing on its magnitude. All it takes is hard work and playing the game of life, yet I've always felt like..."this." I've always been hollow and unfit for living. Ever since elementary school and all the bullying etc. Never belonged anywhere and Asperger's made sure I wouldn't. After the christmas dinner, I'm just going for a fat blunt and a bottle to the nearest gas station. Funny to think I've been absolutely, completely clean until 19,5 years old. I'll be stuck at this job, I'll still be living at my parents', I'll still get high and inebriated behind the scenes. I dug my own grave after losing a long and shameful battle with my head, boohoo. I just want to make things right, I want to be right by everybody and finally confront some people. Leaving now would just be a really awful move. The most fitting sermon'd be like: "He was born, he shat, he got through college, he abandoned master's after some sort of an unnoticed breakdown, got into a menial job, died after months of promising that everything's in order. Now, crushing his mother's heart, he only solidified himself as the truest possible failure and a disappointment to his kin."
Oh look, it's santa's laughing his obscure, trademark laugh. It's pretty deriding. Everybody's in pain, you coke gulping fuckhead. You don't even exist, neither do I. Wow, deep. Everybody I know is in a deep, deep pain. Some in a really dark place. I won't bore you with details, buuuuuuut....
The next week is going to be crucial in many ways. The most important part is hoping that the one person I can absolutely call a best friend won't ctb after the new years' countdown. He confessed to me that he thought about that date for a really long time. He lived through a lot of shit and, in contrary to me, didn't deserve most of it. I knew he was being serious when he told me. I got to him before his impulsive, emotional breakdown had whacked him. We know each other for long enough - we've established that we won't be begging each other to stay. I won't be with him when the time comes. He wants to do it alone. I respect him beyond belief. He made me stay on this planet for a few more years. It's an honor to have him as a friend. He told me once that if I go, then it'd be time for him too. When we were going for our shift last time, I told him that if he goes through with it, then I'll look at the stars, smoke a fattie and promise to join him soon. He said it's very cute, we laughed, talked about tv shows and went on with the day.
I hope he can stay or decide against it, he's way more of a valuable asset to this world than me. He has charisma, he has talent, he deserves to love and be loved. Yet, well, we both...well...just know how it is, I guess. We talked about ctb so many times. We're the only people who know each others' deepest secrets. Yes, you have to manage your trust towards people, and he's the only one that I can fully trust.
I feel intense pressure behind my forehead, not associated with migraine. It usually suggests that I'm about to break down crying, but I hardly do that anymore. Time to hide all that panic, rage and depression, sit beside others who will do the same, hope not to be in the centre of attention at any point, blend in.
I'm sure that most of people on this forum, that I've been lurking on since forever, can relate to being absolutely miserable this christmas. I wish you all the merriest of humbugs! Shit sucks all the time, most of you guys have it way worse than me. I will be drinking to your health and well-being tonight.
It's christmas dinner in a couple of hours, most likely the last one for me. It is a mission and a half to maintain composure while setting everything up. The worst part is avoiding any longer conversations with family that I have a pretty awkward relationship with. It would be nice to have some closure with them before my date, but we will see. Having the wafer sharing over with already would be great, but everything will turn out how it will.
The anticipation of a cumbersome dinner, lights flickering here and there, the "big counting" of minutes until the time for the meet and greet comes. My district is surprisingly quiet, the weather's mellow. Everybody at home grew weary and tired of celebrating christmas for longer than an hour or two, which is actually great. All in all, though, the family isn't the issue. tl;dr - I failed them many times, couldn't find the common ground for the longest time as I'm growing more and more distant. Most of the tension's on my part.
I'm just feeling like I shouldn't wait so long until ctb. I wanted to give myself some time to get my shit together, makes myself presentable before leaving, experiencing something new in this boring life, pursue something that will help me give myself another chance. This is all bullshit, I'll just spiral down deeper into the den of addiction and broken promises. Yes, it's hard to "compress" your shit, while only focusing on its magnitude. All it takes is hard work and playing the game of life, yet I've always felt like..."this." I've always been hollow and unfit for living. Ever since elementary school and all the bullying etc. Never belonged anywhere and Asperger's made sure I wouldn't. After the christmas dinner, I'm just going for a fat blunt and a bottle to the nearest gas station. Funny to think I've been absolutely, completely clean until 19,5 years old. I'll be stuck at this job, I'll still be living at my parents', I'll still get high and inebriated behind the scenes. I dug my own grave after losing a long and shameful battle with my head, boohoo. I just want to make things right, I want to be right by everybody and finally confront some people. Leaving now would just be a really awful move. The most fitting sermon'd be like: "He was born, he shat, he got through college, he abandoned master's after some sort of an unnoticed breakdown, got into a menial job, died after months of promising that everything's in order. Now, crushing his mother's heart, he only solidified himself as the truest possible failure and a disappointment to his kin."
Oh look, it's santa's laughing his obscure, trademark laugh. It's pretty deriding. Everybody's in pain, you coke gulping fuckhead. You don't even exist, neither do I. Wow, deep. Everybody I know is in a deep, deep pain. Some in a really dark place. I won't bore you with details, buuuuuuut....
The next week is going to be crucial in many ways. The most important part is hoping that the one person I can absolutely call a best friend won't ctb after the new years' countdown. He confessed to me that he thought about that date for a really long time. He lived through a lot of shit and, in contrary to me, didn't deserve most of it. I knew he was being serious when he told me. I got to him before his impulsive, emotional breakdown had whacked him. We know each other for long enough - we've established that we won't be begging each other to stay. I won't be with him when the time comes. He wants to do it alone. I respect him beyond belief. He made me stay on this planet for a few more years. It's an honor to have him as a friend. He told me once that if I go, then it'd be time for him too. When we were going for our shift last time, I told him that if he goes through with it, then I'll look at the stars, smoke a fattie and promise to join him soon. He said it's very cute, we laughed, talked about tv shows and went on with the day.
I hope he can stay or decide against it, he's way more of a valuable asset to this world than me. He has charisma, he has talent, he deserves to love and be loved. Yet, well, we both...well...just know how it is, I guess. We talked about ctb so many times. We're the only people who know each others' deepest secrets. Yes, you have to manage your trust towards people, and he's the only one that I can fully trust.
I feel intense pressure behind my forehead, not associated with migraine. It usually suggests that I'm about to break down crying, but I hardly do that anymore. Time to hide all that panic, rage and depression, sit beside others who will do the same, hope not to be in the centre of attention at any point, blend in.
I'm sure that most of people on this forum, that I've been lurking on since forever, can relate to being absolutely miserable this christmas. I wish you all the merriest of humbugs! Shit sucks all the time, most of you guys have it way worse than me. I will be drinking to your health and well-being tonight.
