Mental state after years of abuse

[woknows]

I am just wondering what is wrong with me. I have been abused by my family for years and still am. I have completely narcissistic parents and my father is pure evil.

The shit they pull on me can and does trigger outbursts and intense suicidal ideations and extremely poor mood. After years of abuse, I am wondering is a normal reaction or do I have a borderline personality disorder or something else. I do not remember having such strong outbursts before. Maybe I do not remember. Maybe it is just years of stress finally breaking me down completely. I feel broken. I felt better, even saw a future, when I was staying with my girlfriend. We did have arguments and problems, but I felt safer with her. Especially at night, when I could snuggle with her if something was bothering me. I am not sure if I still can feel this way at the moment. I feel like garbage, like refuse. I know I am not. I am attractive, smart, and educated. But, I cannot lose this feeling. I do know I am not good with people. Who could have taught me? My narcissistic parents? Probably too busy molding me into what they wanted. Am I evil to want them dead? Maybe death is too good for them.

Anyone has similar problems and feels the same? Maybe someone wants to talk.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

I haven't been physically abused but I have felt mentally abused by living in a civilization where it's legal to promote pedophilia and child rape, as well as lie to children about magical sky fairies from age 0-18 and cut into their education time.

 

[Going Home]

I am just wondering what is wrong with me. I have been abused by my family for years and still am. I have completely narcissistic parents and my father is pure evil.

The shit they pull on me can and does trigger outbursts and intense suicidal ideations and extremely poor mood. After years of abuse, I am wondering is a normal reaction or do I have a borderline personality disorder or something else. I do not remember having such strong outbursts before. Maybe I do not remember. Maybe it is just years of stress finally breaking me down completely. I feel broken. I felt better, even saw a future, when I was staying with my girlfriend. We did have arguments and problems, but I felt safer with her. Especially at night, when I could snuggle with her if something was bothering me. I am not sure if I still can feel this way at the moment. I feel like garbage, like refuse. I know I am not. I am attractive, smart, and educated. But, I cannot lose this feeling. I do know I am not good with people. Who could have taught me? My narcissistic parents? Probably too busy molding me into what they wanted. Am I evil to want them dead? Maybe death is too good for them.

Anyone has similar problems and feels the same? Maybe someone wants to talk.

Nope you are not evil for feeling that. Not in the least.

 

[Symbiote]

Not evil, just broken. I've dealt with the same for quite awhile and realize I may just be allergic to shitty people. So I'm trying my best to eventually get out of my toxic environment and live alone. Wife has been challenging me thinking I don't have the balls to do such a thing because I like the "Abuse" and that she believes that some abuse equals love. I can't tell who's more broken, me or her. I also go back and forth on whether I'm the one with BPD or is she, or both of us.