The way I prepared myself in my attempt is that I kept the time between the decision and the deed really short. So time didn't have a chance to let SI break through.
I put a lot of the "gear" I needed, including a rope, portable pull-up bar that went on the door.
I was in a hotel room because of work. I came back to the room after work - had the urge to CTB and found myself hanging a few minutes later
It failed because I didn't give the support/anchor enough attention but because it was fast from decision to deed I didn't get bothered by SI.
If it had only had worked!
You know, i think you actually hit the nail on the head.
I tried to hang myself 3 years ago and failed because the noose wasn't tight enough. I had barely enough room to hang myself under a banister.
As banister was vertically above a door and the only way i was going to be able to hang was to first tie off the hole as a noose would of meant more length and feet on floor.
I hadn't heard of partial at the time. and never conceived it. probably because i had actually tried a partial 10 years prior in a psyc ward, and a nurse walked in and told me not to be messing. I mean call it unprofessional, but "stop messing" to emplies "you really think thats going to work" and so i just didn't think partial was even a thing.
Although my attempt failed 3 years ago. I hung myself, passed out and then woke up on the stairs. rang 999 in a panic. and the operator was annoyed that i phoned without a sim card. because they always like to get your phone number encase of cut off. but because i was idk, going killing myself. i removed my sim card. but at the time i was never as anxious as i am this time.
I mean i have everything i need, and could CTB right now if i wanted. but for me the reason is insurance circumstance related. but the time for that is drowning near.
and that is something that is very hard to contend with. I think its actually easier wanting to die and not having knowledge or access of the courage. than it is to have the method, the equipment, the courage, but still holding on in a last ditch attempt at faith.
Ironically that holding on has not only given me things to be thankful for, but the last year of my life has been so painful. I mean Like the snap of a finger. all the hidden childhood memories of abuse just started flowing and didn't stop. And then coming to this site, and just hanging around commenting on different topics. has helped open another door. from remembering to arranging understanding and healing.
I never thought i would ever see myself say that i would rather CTB in sadness rather than in anger. if i CTB. i can actually leave this world, with a happy story ending. T
he story of which would be:
Childhood Trauma and Neglect - Addiction - Recovery with very very slow healing - Pain - Flashbacks - Relapse - A more Robust Healing.
And the only reason for the Robust healing, was because i found this website.
I mean one way or another i would of CTB. but after finding this site atleast i can now CTB with less hate and more healing in my heart.