unperson
nontitle
- May 8, 2021
- 120
14th of July 2021 — Writing again..?
Ok, that was some nice experiencing of post traumatic writing syndrome
I'm so used to being in my head that I don't realize how disturbing the shit is until I see my therapist looking somewhat disturbed when I read it out loud. My responsibility lies in omitting so many things and presenting a true but misrepresenting side of things a lot of the time. However it's hard to really blame myself considering my initial strategy of trying to focus on what is going well and what I can change. It's hard to talk about the sad parts of life without being sucked into ruminating, and angry circular venting with no real resolution.
Third Person self-assessment:
So He was feeling scared and guilty and all kinds of other feelings too. Afraid of the future. Guilty for not functioning enough to take care of himself. Guilty for not meeting expectations that he perceived others to have of him. And feeling the need to make profoundly detailed exhaustive arguments just to prove that he was truly debilitated, because he perceived that no one around him would take his struggles seriously enough. And he was angry based on this perception of others minimizing his issues but also recognized his own fault of limiting how much detail of his daily struggle he revealed, but then at the same time felt it isn't fair for him to blame himself for that because that's part of his issue: talking about all the embarrassing pathetic details; but calling this part of his issue kinda seems like an excuse—but goddamnit so what if it's an excuse does that mean it's wrong? Well what if it is wrong as an excuse? But what if it's correct? How can he know? How can anyone know? How can he or anyone else know anything at all for that matter? Ok, so is this an epistemology problem now? Does he need to read and study epistemology and the other branches of philosophy in order to argue and justify his disability with his psychiatrist and therapist—even though they can't guarantee him the option of disability-income; but because He is so much plagued with guilt and shame and doubt, if there's any sign at all that these professionals seem to see him as potentially capable or competent enough to fend for himself in this god forsaken soul-crushing economy and back-breaking vocational culture, then he simply won't even feel comfortable with pursuing disability resources because the inner tension of feeling like he's doing something wrong and pursuing resources that aren't meant for him is just too much tension to tolerate, but at the same time if everything about his debilitations that his experience tells him is true, then he doesn't stand a chance at supporting himself; so, might as well give the fuck up on any hope for the future. Which leads to long-term-based suicidal ideation and then the frustrating experience of not having anyone he knows to comfortably talk to about this—he talks about it anyway, but people always seem uncomfortable with the topic of suicide and with His assertion that it really ought to be looked at as a basic human right—, and of course the frustration of the system being so fucked in it's priorities that like what?, he's supposed to be competent enough to figure shit out and overcome the mental illnesses enough to be self-reliant, but not competent enough to make an informed decision about potentially one day using suicide as a self-compassionate-suffering-ending-method to respond with upon the arrival of the most likely bleak future ahead..? The narrative of the most likely future is that he will continue to be helpless, unable to prepare for anything, and no one will take his struggles seriously enough because of things such as his impressive communication abilities and other talents and the so called 'potential' which is really just a fucking illusion—I'll get to that later—, and suicide might not even be a possibility due to his difficulty with anything that precipitates fear and hesitation, and on top of this tragedy he can't even get some fucking validation from people directly in his life who he just wishes would tell him; "you know what dude, you could be right about everything, none of us really know what it's like for you, and yeah your situation really sucks, sorry you have this kind of struggle in your life." More than anything, I just want people to not fucking challenge my point of view anymore; yeah, sure I could be wrong about some shit, I don't fucking care, let me be wrong about shit, if it ends up killing me, let me die. I want respect. I want some fucking social dignity. But I also want to be forthcoming about how difficult it is for me to deal with life. Why can't it be brain cancer or some shit so people—ya know what, knowing people, they'd still probably say stupid shit, 'hey, try going on walks, eat healthy, stay positive', ok that's judgmental towards people who usually just don't know what else to say or how to respond, but still, it's so frustrating sometimes not being able to talk about this stuff more casually. Is that too much to ask? To have casual conversations about one's hopelessness? Well, it's easy to find spaces online to do that, but that's subpar as far as social needs go. Where was I in this little writing venture?
The Grand Illusion Of Potential
A brief sidenote: Conversations of the concept of free will seem ultimately an etymological distraction from the relevant science, so let's talk not about that, but instead consider the concept of 'self-control' or 'willpower'.
I won't cite shit but the science is out there... Anywhobalue, ere's the short simple version: He has some aptitudes, intelligence, talent n shit n whatnot but consider this; the scientific statistical data regarding 'willpower' which is a measurable and strengthenable(my new made up word) but nonetheless limited ability, shows that it correlates to success in life even more strongly than intelligence. Now consider the executive function impairment caused by adhd (not really caused by it, since adhd is just the label/name, but you get the point) not to mention the comorbid mental health issues that further decimate one's overall potential. There's two ways this affects what's known as 'willpower' which seems to be an important component of executive function. One is to limit it and limit the extent to which it can be strengthened, the other way is that due to a myriad of issues, the little amount of willpower there is gets perpetually exhausted and used up before it can be of much effective use.
Now this little above narrative is important. Because although it's not always true, it certainly can be for some people. Positive assumptions about someone's potential might feel nice to make… But they should be considerations, not assumptions, and it should be something that isn't effortfully force-fed and imbued in the mentally ill which can have a disastrous result of leaving them too guilt-ridden in the aftermath of complete abject failure, to even properly ask for much needed resources.
Professional Grandiose-Overstepping-Pontification-Assertions and the Need for a Dialectical-Diagnostic-Humility-Based Approach
Ya know there was a time when medical professionals would assert rather dreary prognosis predictions as some kind of inevitable fact and there are plenty of pretty little nice sounding stories of people triumphing in spite of that, and I aint gonna disparage those stories because I think there is a problem with such negative proclamations made to patients, but my assertion about what the problem is, is that it's not based on the cynical nature of the prediction, it's a problem of a 'professional' overstepping what it actually means to be a professional and essentially acting as some kind of authoritative fucking psychic. Nowadays there seems to be a pervasive problem in the opposite direction, and again I ain't gonna disparage the validity of a kind of empowerment movement because I understand and respect that it's monumentally helpful for some, but what I have a problem with is the unsolicited encouragement that for people like myself feels completely invalidating, patronizing, and emotionally destabilizing—well, ok, not always, I guess it really depends on the context, the person, my mood, etc. But essentially, what would be helpful is if people who are struggling with something could be initially communicated with, with inquiries about what would be helpful to them and if they'd prefer not to have their perception of things challenged at the moment by well-intentioned, but ignorant or presumptive others who seem to love to pontificate their own optimistically biased view as if it's some kind of prophesied grace that the afflicted should just accept and be grateful to hear. So to put it simply, I don't want anyone else telling me what the fuck I oughta believe or think without asking me first if I'm open to changing my view and even then I'd prefer enough respect to be communicated with with a sense of openness that includes the possibility of my perspective not actually needing to be changed. It's not that I'm stubborn, it's that I'm tired. Really fucking tired. My mental health issues do not take away my right to my own opinions. And they also don't take away my ability to think critically, which for me is one of my strengths, though strengths can also be weaknesses depending on the context. For example, questioning what side of the road one should really drive on is probably not a good idea when one is actually driving and needs to be focused on the road, and although there's a value to the ability to question even seemingly obvious values and practicalities, it's nonetheless more of a mind-experiment exercise than a practical everyday pathological compulsion.
Ok…. Did I write enough?
I rest my case.
Ok, that was some nice experiencing of post traumatic writing syndrome
I'm so used to being in my head that I don't realize how disturbing the shit is until I see my therapist looking somewhat disturbed when I read it out loud. My responsibility lies in omitting so many things and presenting a true but misrepresenting side of things a lot of the time. However it's hard to really blame myself considering my initial strategy of trying to focus on what is going well and what I can change. It's hard to talk about the sad parts of life without being sucked into ruminating, and angry circular venting with no real resolution.
Third Person self-assessment:
So He was feeling scared and guilty and all kinds of other feelings too. Afraid of the future. Guilty for not functioning enough to take care of himself. Guilty for not meeting expectations that he perceived others to have of him. And feeling the need to make profoundly detailed exhaustive arguments just to prove that he was truly debilitated, because he perceived that no one around him would take his struggles seriously enough. And he was angry based on this perception of others minimizing his issues but also recognized his own fault of limiting how much detail of his daily struggle he revealed, but then at the same time felt it isn't fair for him to blame himself for that because that's part of his issue: talking about all the embarrassing pathetic details; but calling this part of his issue kinda seems like an excuse—but goddamnit so what if it's an excuse does that mean it's wrong? Well what if it is wrong as an excuse? But what if it's correct? How can he know? How can anyone know? How can he or anyone else know anything at all for that matter? Ok, so is this an epistemology problem now? Does he need to read and study epistemology and the other branches of philosophy in order to argue and justify his disability with his psychiatrist and therapist—even though they can't guarantee him the option of disability-income; but because He is so much plagued with guilt and shame and doubt, if there's any sign at all that these professionals seem to see him as potentially capable or competent enough to fend for himself in this god forsaken soul-crushing economy and back-breaking vocational culture, then he simply won't even feel comfortable with pursuing disability resources because the inner tension of feeling like he's doing something wrong and pursuing resources that aren't meant for him is just too much tension to tolerate, but at the same time if everything about his debilitations that his experience tells him is true, then he doesn't stand a chance at supporting himself; so, might as well give the fuck up on any hope for the future. Which leads to long-term-based suicidal ideation and then the frustrating experience of not having anyone he knows to comfortably talk to about this—he talks about it anyway, but people always seem uncomfortable with the topic of suicide and with His assertion that it really ought to be looked at as a basic human right—, and of course the frustration of the system being so fucked in it's priorities that like what?, he's supposed to be competent enough to figure shit out and overcome the mental illnesses enough to be self-reliant, but not competent enough to make an informed decision about potentially one day using suicide as a self-compassionate-suffering-ending-method to respond with upon the arrival of the most likely bleak future ahead..? The narrative of the most likely future is that he will continue to be helpless, unable to prepare for anything, and no one will take his struggles seriously enough because of things such as his impressive communication abilities and other talents and the so called 'potential' which is really just a fucking illusion—I'll get to that later—, and suicide might not even be a possibility due to his difficulty with anything that precipitates fear and hesitation, and on top of this tragedy he can't even get some fucking validation from people directly in his life who he just wishes would tell him; "you know what dude, you could be right about everything, none of us really know what it's like for you, and yeah your situation really sucks, sorry you have this kind of struggle in your life." More than anything, I just want people to not fucking challenge my point of view anymore; yeah, sure I could be wrong about some shit, I don't fucking care, let me be wrong about shit, if it ends up killing me, let me die. I want respect. I want some fucking social dignity. But I also want to be forthcoming about how difficult it is for me to deal with life. Why can't it be brain cancer or some shit so people—ya know what, knowing people, they'd still probably say stupid shit, 'hey, try going on walks, eat healthy, stay positive', ok that's judgmental towards people who usually just don't know what else to say or how to respond, but still, it's so frustrating sometimes not being able to talk about this stuff more casually. Is that too much to ask? To have casual conversations about one's hopelessness? Well, it's easy to find spaces online to do that, but that's subpar as far as social needs go. Where was I in this little writing venture?
The Grand Illusion Of Potential
A brief sidenote: Conversations of the concept of free will seem ultimately an etymological distraction from the relevant science, so let's talk not about that, but instead consider the concept of 'self-control' or 'willpower'.
I won't cite shit but the science is out there... Anywhobalue, ere's the short simple version: He has some aptitudes, intelligence, talent n shit n whatnot but consider this; the scientific statistical data regarding 'willpower' which is a measurable and strengthenable(my new made up word) but nonetheless limited ability, shows that it correlates to success in life even more strongly than intelligence. Now consider the executive function impairment caused by adhd (not really caused by it, since adhd is just the label/name, but you get the point) not to mention the comorbid mental health issues that further decimate one's overall potential. There's two ways this affects what's known as 'willpower' which seems to be an important component of executive function. One is to limit it and limit the extent to which it can be strengthened, the other way is that due to a myriad of issues, the little amount of willpower there is gets perpetually exhausted and used up before it can be of much effective use.
Now this little above narrative is important. Because although it's not always true, it certainly can be for some people. Positive assumptions about someone's potential might feel nice to make… But they should be considerations, not assumptions, and it should be something that isn't effortfully force-fed and imbued in the mentally ill which can have a disastrous result of leaving them too guilt-ridden in the aftermath of complete abject failure, to even properly ask for much needed resources.
Professional Grandiose-Overstepping-Pontification-Assertions and the Need for a Dialectical-Diagnostic-Humility-Based Approach
Ya know there was a time when medical professionals would assert rather dreary prognosis predictions as some kind of inevitable fact and there are plenty of pretty little nice sounding stories of people triumphing in spite of that, and I aint gonna disparage those stories because I think there is a problem with such negative proclamations made to patients, but my assertion about what the problem is, is that it's not based on the cynical nature of the prediction, it's a problem of a 'professional' overstepping what it actually means to be a professional and essentially acting as some kind of authoritative fucking psychic. Nowadays there seems to be a pervasive problem in the opposite direction, and again I ain't gonna disparage the validity of a kind of empowerment movement because I understand and respect that it's monumentally helpful for some, but what I have a problem with is the unsolicited encouragement that for people like myself feels completely invalidating, patronizing, and emotionally destabilizing—well, ok, not always, I guess it really depends on the context, the person, my mood, etc. But essentially, what would be helpful is if people who are struggling with something could be initially communicated with, with inquiries about what would be helpful to them and if they'd prefer not to have their perception of things challenged at the moment by well-intentioned, but ignorant or presumptive others who seem to love to pontificate their own optimistically biased view as if it's some kind of prophesied grace that the afflicted should just accept and be grateful to hear. So to put it simply, I don't want anyone else telling me what the fuck I oughta believe or think without asking me first if I'm open to changing my view and even then I'd prefer enough respect to be communicated with with a sense of openness that includes the possibility of my perspective not actually needing to be changed. It's not that I'm stubborn, it's that I'm tired. Really fucking tired. My mental health issues do not take away my right to my own opinions. And they also don't take away my ability to think critically, which for me is one of my strengths, though strengths can also be weaknesses depending on the context. For example, questioning what side of the road one should really drive on is probably not a good idea when one is actually driving and needs to be focused on the road, and although there's a value to the ability to question even seemingly obvious values and practicalities, it's nonetheless more of a mind-experiment exercise than a practical everyday pathological compulsion.
Ok…. Did I write enough?
I rest my case.
