Mental health update

[RainAndSadness]

I just recently talked to some psychiatrists about my mental health and we took a closer look, with the intention of figuring out what's wrong. This is the result of this procedure.

I am finally diagnosed with a major depression episode. I think most people in this forum are familiar with this mental illness - according to the survey from Sanctioned Suicide, 88% of the members in this forum suffer from some kind of depression. They also diagnosed Dysthymia, known as persistent depressive disorder - it was also described as a "depressive personality" in the past, which is an outdated but self-explanatory term. I think it explains why I have no drive to live. I was also diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder, which is probably a result from the severe bullying back in school. And I fulfill the criteria for a borderline personality disorder too. So combined with my gender dysphoria, that's quite a mountain to climb. Well, at least now I know what I'm dealing with.

But there are also good news. I'm finally recognized and accepted by the insurance disability and it will ease my financial situation a little bit. I can't work due to mental illness, simply because I'm anything but a functioning and well-integrated member of society, so I'll get some financial benefits, and that's really cool. That means I won't necessary have to live in severe poverty anymore, but we will see how much it will change my situation. I received welfare benefits in the last 2 years but it wasn't enough. It's a life without dignity. The constant poverty only worsened my situation because it adds to the mental struggle I'm already experiencing. I hope I will be able to afford some decent food and good clothes in the near future - that's my dream. And I hope that will be possible with the help of the insurance disability.

In the meantime, regarding my transition - I changed my legal name and gender a while ago and now I am currently trying to get FFS covered. I don't know if it's gonna work. Apparently, the costs for some slight facial overhauls would be around 20k to 30k bucks. And that's a lot of money and I can't afford these surgeries. It's simply not possible. Sadly, despite my transition, I am still unable to pass properly as a woman. I realized I'm in some kind of androgynous "grey area" now and people have a hard time putting me into one of these two boxes (male and female), so that means I definitely made some progress during the last few years. But that's not my goal. I don't want to confuse people. I want to be recognized as a female person and that's one of my most difficult struggles. The whole act of passing is very hard to achieve for trans women and leaving the house is a real nightmare for me, considering I also have severe social anxiety, it makes my gender dysphoria even worse than it already is. But that's my situation right now - regarding my transition. Voice surgery might happen in early 2020, but for me, that's very distant in the future. I don't know how much longer I can walk this path. I'm obviously always keeping my options open, regarding my exit. And I don't know if I'm gonna experience 2020, and if I do, how much of the year it's gonna be. I don't plan into the future anymore. I just live for the moment... as long as I live. And when I'm done, I'm done. It's very simple for me.

Regarding my exit, they obviously asked me about my suicide ideation as well, when they did all these tests and checks for the diagnosis of all of these different mental conditions. And I denied that I'm actively suicidal right now - which is a lie, of course. I told them that I researched methods in the past, which is very true, and that I would know how to do it, if I wanted to take my own life but I denied that I'm planning to commit suicide - for obvious reasons. You need to find a good balance between acting and being honest. Which is sad, but that's how it is, if you play their game. Like, if I ever admitted that I'm suicidal, they would instantly put me into a mental hospital, no doubts about that. I would have no chance to explain the severity or consistency of my pain and my wish to die. They don't take that seriously here. So nobody can ever know that I'm in the possession of Nembutal or SN for the purpose of taking my own life. And if that's the game they want to play, then I will play it too - but by my rules. And that's how many other members in this forum handle this situation, I guess.
But it sucks that you have to pretend to be somewhat okay, when you're not. Like, it's literally some kind of acting at this point. I hate to downplay my struggles. And it even affects my therapy because every time I talk to these people, I have to pretend to be at least a little bit "okay" and it's nothing but a clown show. It feels like an act and it doesn't help at all. You go there, waste your 50 minutes, leave again. That's it. They make money while I pretend to take my problems seriously. In exchange, they leave me in peace and I can continue my slow downward spiral into hell. Everyone is happy I guess.

But seriously, the stigma around suicide and the fear of possible consequences, when you tell someone, is very unhealthy and I hope we as a society can progress away from that in the distant future. We should live in a society where you can be open about your mental situation without having to worry about possible interference from doctors and if you're suffering to an unbearable extend, you should have the chance to leave in dignity. Case closed. That's how I see this issue. This right here, the status quo, literally doesn't help anyone and it doesn't prevent suicide. A lot of people who desperately need support, who have a chance to improve, avoid help because they literally fear about the consequences that could come with honesty - like an admission into a psych ward. Nobody wants to have their most basic human rights stripped away from them. From what I've heard, being locked up in a mental hospital against your will, which I would rather describe as a prison, isn't a very nice experience and in some cases, it's even harmful. It's the reason why I have kept my mouth shut for years. And I'll keep doing that. I'll stay strong in that regards.

But yeah, 2020 comes closer. I'm curious about the future. I have no idea what's gonna happen and how much of it I'm gonna experience. I hold my N close. I'm prepared for the worst.

 

[brainpain2]

Hi! I read your story and want to say congrats on getting disability - that's huge. It's almost vindication that you're not a lazy person or not trying hard enough (even though plenty of people who don't fit into those categories sadly get denied. Having a bit of financial security might be able to help you for awhile as you navigate the waters of a proper diagnosis and what I am presuming will be a new treatment plan, and a more effective one a that.
I just started seeing a psychologist at $200 am hour just to appease disability so don't plan on going regularly and I 100% know the struggle of wanting to be honest re: suicidal ideation vs being locked up on suicide watch. I worded it much like you. It's something I always keep in my back pocket, most people with chronic pain do. And I can't see myself living out my natural life when I have plateaued in the sense of ever getting better. But yeah I had to be adamant that there is no intent, risks or plans and that I'm safe in my house etc etc. They sure as hell don't need to know about my Either! Only this forum does.
As for your gender dysphira - I cant relate personally but I have so much empathy for someone who must feel so tormented in their own body. The surgeries are very expensive. Perhaps working on some of your other diagnosis might take the pressure of anxiety of living in your body less distressing, I don't know. All I know is I hope this leads to a bit of a turnaround and light of hope. One day, one week at a time.

 

[Moonicide]

So happy for you on the disability and diagnosis front. Knowing what you're working with does provide a bit of comfort and validation. You know? Like it's on paper now, you are not making this up. I got on disability last year due to how severe my mental illness is. I didn't even have to fight for it, the gave it to me quite quickly... It made me think, damn, I'm that bad, huh? Unfortunately, it's still not enough to live alone. But it is still so helpful. I'm able to pay for most of my bills and I can afford all my food thanks to Food Stamps. But it's also heartbreaking that I have to rely on this so heavily... I feel like I'm leeching on the system, even though I know I very much need and deserve this. It's just bittersweet. I wish I could function and be a part of society.

I wish you so much luck and wellness on your transition, and I am also glad you have a bit more control of your life if things hit the fan. It's always comforting to have a way out. Sending you lots of love and support.

 

[a_strange_day]

Happy for you. Getting disability is pretty hard for people with Mental health disorders and I know that firsthand. I too was diagnosed with Major and persistent DD-BPD and GAD and finally put on disability after years of pure hell. At least you'll have some money and the freedom to go somewhere you can be yourself and feel better if you want. I don't know you but I've read some of your posts and after everything you went through you deserve some peace, I hope you find it.

 

[DoNotLet2]

*hugs* hopefully it will get better. Yeah it sucks that you have to lie.

 

[RainAndSadness]

Hi! I read your story and want to say congrats on getting disability - that's huge. It's almost vindication that you're not a lazy person or not trying hard enough (even though plenty of people who don't fit into those categories sadly get denied. Having a bit of financial security might be able to help you for awhile as you navigate the waters of a proper diagnosis and what I am presuming will be a new treatment plan, and a more effective one a that.
I just started seeing a psychologist at $200 am hour just to appease disability so don't plan on going regularly and I 100% know the struggle of wanting to be honest re: suicidal ideation vs being locked up on suicide watch. I worded it much like you. It's something I always keep in my back pocket, most people with chronic pain do. And I can't see myself living out my natural life when I have plateaued in the sense of ever getting better. But yeah I had to be adamant that there is no intent, risks or plans and that I'm safe in my house etc etc. They sure as hell don't need to know about my Either! Only this forum does.
As for your gender dysphira - I cant relate personally but I have so much empathy for someone who must feel so tormented in their own body. The surgeries are very expensive. Perhaps working on some of your other diagnosis might take the pressure of anxiety of living in your body less distressing, I don't know. All I know is I hope this leads to a bit of a turnaround and light of hope. One day, one week at a time.

Thank you! I am also extremely relieved that I was accepted by the insurance. I didn't expect that at all, to be honest. I didn't think they would take insurance for mentally ill people seriously, but luckily they did. It was one of my last attempts to improve my situation, some kind of last resort. And I'm sure the diagnosis of my disorders helped a lot in my case. I really hope it will improve my financial situation a little bit. The poverty was one of the things that bothered me the most, maybe it will ease the financial struggles a little bit. I was worried they would just turn me down as a lazy person, considering I'm unemployed for almost 3 years now.

Yeah, I feel you - it sucks that we have to play this game but it's our only option. I have my method ready-to-go, in my case it's N. And I can tell you, having this option to leave quick and peacefully, whenever I feel like the heat is around the corner, is extremely comforting to me and I feel free now, to a certain extend. I know life has nothing on me now. I can exit whenever I want and just remove all the struggle instantly, in a snap. If I didn't have this option, I would feel a lot worse and I would feel like I'm trapped in this body and this nightmare of a life. If you think about it, it's kinda messed up that they want to take this away from us.

And thank you for the support. Gender dysphoria is really painful and exhausting and it makes you feel like you're never enough, no matter what you try. As you said, the surgeries are expensive and insurance doesn't cover all of them. My FFS would cost me tens of thousands of dollars, just to give you some insight on the costs. But I hope you're right and can focus my energy towards more constructive kind of therapy now, that I know my exact diagnosis. I really doubt it though, it seems like almost all of these mental struggles developed in my childhood, the symptoms appeared very early in my life and they control my life now, to a certain extend. They're just a part of me, you know what I mean. Like, I literally have no idea how life without depression feels like... or without social anxiety. I can't even fathom what it means to enjoy life. I'm not even talking about the borderline diagnosis at that point. It just seems hopeless, in combination with my gender dysphoria - but I'm still trying and I made some progress in the last few months and I am proud of that. And I'm gonna continue building on that foundation. But I have the suspicion that the suicide ideation is gonna be a part of my "identity" for the rest of my life. But that's okay for me. It would be easier though, if I didn't have to act for the rest of my life and deny any kind of suicidal thoughts.

I appreciate your post.

So happy for you on the disability and diagnosis front. Knowing what you're working with does provide a bit of comfort and validation. You know? Like it's on paper now, you are not making this up. I got on disability last year due to how severe my mental illness is. I didn't even have to fight for it, the gave it to me quite quickly... It made me think, damn, I'm that bad, huh? Unfortunately, it's still not enough to live alone. But it is still so helpful. I'm able to pay for most of my bills and I can afford all my food thanks to Food Stamps. But it's also heartbreaking that I have to rely on this so heavily... I feel like I'm leeching on the system, even though I know I very much need and deserve this. It's just bittersweet. I wish I could function and be a part of society.

I wish you so much luck and wellness on your transition, and I am also glad you have a bit more control of your life if things hit the fan. It's always comforting to have a way out. Sending you lots of love and support.

Thanks! It's definitely very validating and comforting, you're right. As you said, my mental health disorders are now proven, on paper, by psychiatrists and it explains why I've been through all that struggle since my childhood. It helps me understand and it helps me to explain why I'm in this situation. Regarding the insurance, yeah - I imagine it feels nice to be accepted that quickly. I'm glad they didn't doubt you. It was the same here. And you're right, it makes you realize how serious your conditions actually must seem, from an outsider perspective. Like, it took them 6 months to accept my case. My mother told me about a cancer patient that has been waiting for their approval for several years. I really don't understand their priority but I guess the diagnosis and the reports of countless of different doctors and psychiatrists was enough to convince them of the severity my struggles. I'm glad visiting all these doctors paid out in the end.
I hope your financial situation will improve eventually. It sucks to hear that the financial assistance from the insurance isn't enough. And I know what you mean - I've been on welfare for the last 2.5 years and it feels bad, to be such a drain on society. On the other hand, I think it's not my fault that I'm messed up like that. It's very important to keep that in mind. Nobody in this forum decided to suffer from all that mental or physical pain.There is a reason why we're here and why some of us can't function and work like a "normal" human. And I think society actually contributed quite a bit to my struggles and I also see it as some kind of compensation. It maybe sounds weird but I never made the conscious decision to end up like this. I had plans to study law and IT, I wanted to work hard and earn a lot of money. But then my life took a very bad turn and yeah, that's where I am now. I went into a totally opposite direction and I think I'm quite the failure in every aspect of life. It's kinda funny, in a certain way. I had all that ambition and that's where I am now.

Thank you! I also wish you good luck for your future I hope your situation will improve as well. Love and support back to you.

Happy for you. Getting disability is pretty hard for people with Mental health disorders and I know that firsthand. I too was diagnosed with Major and persistent DD-BPD and GAD and finally put on disability after years of pure hell. At least you'll have some money and the freedom to go somewhere you can be yourself and feel better if you want. I don't know you but I've read some of your posts and after everything you went through you deserve some peace, I hope you find it.

Yeah, it's not easy. Plenty of people who suffer from mental illness told me they didn't even try - because of that reason. There is a huge stigma around mental illness and we're not taken seriously in many cases. I've witnessed that first hand. But then I've met a person who was accepted by the insurance because of mental health disorders and that's why I signed up in the first place. It gave me some hope that they would also recognize my problems. And it looks like they did. They didn't tell me why I was accepted. Only that I am disabled, according to them - to the point where I'm unable to work.

I'm glad you were accepted after all that struggle. I feel you. I bet it's nice to have some compensation for that. But thank you very much, I appreciate that. I hope you will also find some peace. I've been following your posts for a while and I know you also went through a lot. Hugs to you.

*hugs* hopefully it will get better. Yeah it sucks that you have to lie.

Thank you! It does and I hope I won't have to keep this up forever. It's draining.