Help Mental break downs and memory loss?

[UselessBeing]

In the last several weeks I have had massive melt downs and mental breaks. But once I reach feeling a certain point it's like I black out (but im still conscious) and after a while I realize I've hurt myself. I have been self harming since I was very young but its gotten worse over the years. But I never forget what I did to myself so this is new.

A month ago I had a really bad night. My mental state dipped and I tried to fight off the feeling. Next thing I know Im on the floor with a gash in my arm and it's the worst I've ever done. I can't explain how ashamed I am.

This morning I had a falling out with my husband. It was several hours ago now. I held it together until he left and when I heard him leave the driveway I fell apart. I've been calm now for about 2 hours. I got up about 20 minutes ago to use the restroom and when I looked in the mirror I see that I have cuts on my face. I scratched tf out of my face and I don't remember doing it. I didn't feel the stinging or anything and the moment I saw myself in the mirror my face started hurting.

Does anyone else go through this, self harm and not remember? I hate myself even more. I feel so fucking stupid and I have a huge event tonight. When my husband sees what I did everything is going to get worse and Im going to lose it when he yells at me again today.

I wish my several previous attempts to CTB didn't fail. Tonight Im going to look like a joke. Fuckin end me

 

[Bone]

Stress does wild things to people. I wouldn't at all be surprised if you have pockets of memory loss during these really tough episodes. I have had actual psychosis (not saying you do, necessarily) and my memory of the events is vivid at times but there are giant gaps missing. I hope there is someone nearby you can spend time with or a friend to talk to, or something, anything you can do to feel at least a bit of comfort during these stressful times. I hope you can get some distance, somehow, between yourself and all these stressors. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and feeling this way. I hope things get better for you.

 

[summertimestars4]

oh i'm sorry darling. i have experienced mentally blocking out time from trauma, but not in the form of hurting myself. i think like the person said above me, stress can do crazy things to your brain. under stress we go into fight or flight mode. sometimes i think if the thing we're fighting/fleeing is ourselves or our own mind, there's no escape so we block it out to deal with it perhaps. ugh it's weird and rather distressing when you have no memory of it. i hope your day gets better.

 

[UselessBeing]

Stress does wild things to people. I wouldn't at all be surprised if you have pockets of memory loss during these really tough episodes. I have had actual psychosis (not saying you do, necessarily) and my memory of the events is vivid at times but there are giant gaps missing. I hope there is someone nearby you can spend time with or a friend to talk to, or something, anything you can do to feel at least a bit of comfort during these stressful times. I hope you can get some distance, somehow, between yourself and all these stressors. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and feeling this way. I hope things get better for you.

Im so sorry for the things you go through and battle Thank you for sharing this with me though. Sometimes I feel like Im so crazy I must be the "only one" to go through this and make it worse. Thank you for helping me feel a little less alone in that aspect. Im going to go out today before the gathering tonight and just enjoy the drive and music and pick up some make up. Thank you again

oh i'm sorry darling. i have experienced mentally blocking out time from trauma, but not in the form of hurting myself. i think like the person said above me, stress can do crazy things to your brain. under stress we go into fight or flight mode. sometimes i think if the thing we're fighting/fleeing is ourselves or our own mind, there's no escape so we block it out to deal with it perhaps. ugh it's weird and rather distressing when you have no memory of it. i hope your day gets better.

Thank you for your kind words. I really think you're right when you say sometimes we fight or flight from ourselves that hit hard. Im so sorry for the things you must be going through and battling in your life aswell. I hope you have many days with genuine smiles and happiness.

 

[Housefly]

This is one reason I want to ctb. I can hardly trust my own mind, what am I even doing? Not regular forget, I forget the whole week but I was on autopilot.