Venting Memories of abuse

[Scribble Fan]

My mother would beat me in her psychotic episodes, calling me a variety of names while hitting me, chasing me around, then dragging me back for more punishment. She'd apologize afterwards, saying how much she loved me and promised it would never happen again to her precious, beloved son. I believed her, accepted her apologies, and even felt sorry for her. Maybe it was an accident somehow, that she didn't mean any of it. She didn't deserve to feel this way.

Hahaha, wasn't I naive? She lied. Her behavior repeated several time and my forgiveness began to dwindle. I grew resentful and began to act out in childish rebellion at school, breaking crayons and not listening to teachers. So I got home-schooled by my Mother for being difficult and got beaten more. Great.

Later down the line, while throwing her psychotic tantrums, she blamed me for being "hard to raise". That it was my fault I was beaten. She twisted it around and blamed me instead. Then a few years ago she explained (half apologetically, but not really) that once she started attacking me, she couldn't stop... I realized I was just an outlet for her rage.

I'm killing myself. I'm not dealing with this life anymore, I'm tired of all this. I can't breath, paranoia eats my mind away, I can't trust anyone, I don't want any more of this. I'm so fucking unhappy. I'm out, no more existing. I'm going to night-night as soon as I get everything figured out and then I'll finally be free. Now it's just a game of time and preparation.


If anybody else wants to comment or vent past abuse off their chest, feel free to.

 

[lululoo]

Too sad right now to vent, but I want to say I'm sorry for what you went through. That is horrible. I hate how crap parents just ruin people's lives.

 

[Life sucks]

I've got a long and complicated story of abuse but its too embarrassing

 

[not_a_robot]

My mother would beat me in her psychotic episodes, calling me a variety of names while hitting me, chasing me around, then dragging me back for more punishment. She'd apologize afterwards, saying how much she loved me and promised it would never happen again to her precious, beloved son. I believed her, accepted her apologies, and even felt sorry for her. Maybe it was an accident somehow, that she didn't mean any of it. She didn't deserve to feel this way.

Hahaha, wasn't I naive? She lied. Her behavior repeated several time and my forgiveness began to dwindle. I grew resentful and began to act out in childish rebellion at school, breaking crayons and not listening to teachers. So I got home-schooled by my Mother for being difficult and got beaten more. Great.

Later down the line, while throwing her psychotic tantrums, she blamed me for being "hard to raise". That it was my fault I was beaten. She twisted it around and blamed me instead. Then a few years ago she explained (half apologetically, but not really) that once she started attacking me, she couldn't stop... I realized I was just an outlet for her rage.

I'm killing myself. I'm not dealing with this life anymore, I'm tired of all this. I can't breath, paranoia eats my mind away, I can't trust anyone, I don't want any more of this. I'm so fucking unhappy. I'm out, no more existing. I'm going to night-night as soon as I get everything figured out and then I'll finally be free. Now it's just a game of time and preparation.


If anybody else wants to comment or vent past abuse off their chest, feel free to.

I joined the Army to get the hell away from my shitty family. Didn't help at all though, the internet turned the whole fucking planet into one small town where you can never avoid anyone for long.
I hope there is some way for you to escape. My advice, (short of ctb) is cut all ties and NO EXTRA CHANCES.
My worst mistakes were all the times I ended up giving my family extra chances because they begged to be allowed to "help" me. They made my situation worse, every single time.
No matter how much they beg and apologize, if you ever manage to get away, keep running and never look back. No phone calls, no emails, no funerals, no weddings, hardships or help. It's never worth giving them a chance to hurt you again. If you ever get away, make them dead to you. Completely. They will always ruin everything. NO EXTRA CHANCES.
And tell your bitchass mom I said so.

 

[Lush_nova]

my mother constantly beat me too, Ive recently starting having pretty shit flashbacks in relation to a lot of it, Ive taken up blogging too in hope of letting it out. But its not helpful at all
its horrific that that person who brought you into this world sees it fit to treat you like shit.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry, @Scribble Fan. Your mother sounds like the grandmother who had custody over me for my first 16 years.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I find the film Mars Attacks hugely cathartic because the Martians look and act exactly like my grandmother. After a decades of "she must have loved you in her way" and "she was in pain and needed help" FINALLY someone recognized that no, she was just plain evil. I'll always be grateful to Tim Burton (the director) for that.

@Scribble Fan, you didn't deserve any of that. I want to weep that the world allows little children to be left in the hands of people who hurt them.

 

[Severen]

My mother would beat me in her psychotic episodes, calling me a variety of names while hitting me, chasing me around, then dragging me back for more punishment. She'd apologize afterwards, saying how much she loved me and promised it would never happen again to her precious, beloved son. I believed her, accepted her apologies, and even felt sorry for her. Maybe it was an accident somehow, that she didn't mean any of it. She didn't deserve to feel this way.

Hahaha, wasn't I naive? She lied. Her behavior repeated several time and my forgiveness began to dwindle. I grew resentful and began to act out in childish rebellion at school, breaking crayons and not listening to teachers. So I got home-schooled by my Mother for being difficult and got beaten more. Great.

Later down the line, while throwing her psychotic tantrums, she blamed me for being "hard to raise". That it was my fault I was beaten. She twisted it around and blamed me instead. Then a few years ago she explained (half apologetically, but not really) that once she started attacking me, she couldn't stop... I realized I was just an outlet for her rage.

I'm killing myself. I'm not dealing with this life anymore, I'm tired of all this. I can't breath, paranoia eats my mind away, I can't trust anyone, I don't want any more of this. I'm so fucking unhappy. I'm out, no more existing. I'm going to night-night as soon as I get everything figured out and then I'll finally be free. Now it's just a game of time and preparation.


If anybody else wants to comment or vent past abuse off their chest, feel free to.

Maybe her apologies were sincere and deep down she loves you. And she simply couldn't control the monster within. For some people, mentally abusing people and physically abusing people gets them high. A lot of serial killers do what they do for the same reason and they hate who they are because they know, what they are doing is fucked up. Henry Lee Lucas is a good example of this.

I'm sorry, @Scribble Fan. Your mother sounds like the grandmother who had custody over me for my first 16 years.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I find the film Mars Attacks hugely cathartic because the Martians look and act exactly like my grandmother. After a decades of "she must have loved you in her way" and "she was in pain and needed help" FINALLY someone recognized that no, she was just plain evil. I'll always be grateful to Tim Burton (the director) for that.

@Scribble Fan, you didn't deserve any of that. I want to weep that the world allows little children to be left in the hands of people who hurt them.

People can love someone and be evil at the same time. But the evil inside of them overpowers that love. They are slaves to that evil.

 

[Soul]

Maybe her apologies were sincere and deep down she loves you. And she simply couldn't control the monster within. For some people, mentally abusing people and physically abusing people gets them high. A lot of serial killers do what they do for the same reason and they hate who they are because they know, what they are doing is fucked up. Henry Lee Lucas is a good example of this.


People can love someone and be evil at the same time. But the evil inside of them overpowers that love. They are slaves to that evil.

Maybe. Or maybe those of us who grew up with these people know them better than someone who's never met them and has only read a few sentences about them.

Either way what @Scribble Fan described has nothing to do with maternal love. If she wasn't ensuring that her child was safe from her craving to do harm, that is not love, and it was fucked up to try to make him think that's what love is.

 

[262653]

Hopefully you are... That bitch of my mother got knocked out the last time she yelled at me. Violence is wondrous at times.
I'd like to follow up soon enough...

 

[Scribble Fan]

Maybe her apologies were sincere and deep down she loves you. And she simply couldn't control the monster within. For some people, mentally abusing people and physically abusing people gets them high. A lot of serial killers do what they do for the same reason and they hate who they are because they know, what they are doing is fucked up. Henry Lee Lucas is a good example of this.


People can love someone and be evil at the same time. But the evil inside of them overpowers that love. They are slaves to that evil.

My mother is a very selfish person, her apologies were always... dodging responsibility, really. Minimizing what she did. I always got the feeling she didn't care much. She'd say loving things one day then destroy my life the next. I'm sure the emotion of "love" was there but it was poison. I didn't want it, she can keep it to herself.

Maybe. Or maybe those of us who grew up with these people know them better than someone who's never met them and has only read a few sentences about them.

Either way what @Scribble Fan described has nothing to do with maternal love. If she wasn't ensuring that her child was safe from her craving to do harm, that is not love, and it was fucked up to try to make him think that's what love is.

It wasn't love at all. My mother may have thought she loved me but that isn't what love is supposed to be.

I remember she said once that a therapist got annoyed at her. They asked her if she knew what love even meant. She seemed somewhat annoyed when telling me this but the therapist was completely right. She has no idea.

 

[Severen]

My mother is a very selfish person, her apologies were always... dodging responsibility, really. Minimizing what she did. I always got the feeling she didn't care much. She'd say loving things one day then destroy my life the next. I'm sure the emotion of "love" was there but it was poison. I didn't want it, she can keep it to herself.




It wasn't love at all. My mother may have thought she loved me but that isn't what love is supposed to be.

I remember she said once that a therapist got annoyed at her. They asked her if she knew what love even meant. She seemed somewhat annoyed when telling me this but the therapist was completely right. She has no idea.

I'm just saying, what if she is so evil, that even though she loves you, the next day, she will inflict pain and suffering on you because she can't resist the temptation. So you know, maybe there is nothing wrong with you from her point of view and she might even be proud of you but she can't resist the monster within. It's like every day is a full moon and every day she has to turn into a werewolf. Anyway, why CTB if you can just cut her out of your life?

 

[Scribble Fan]

I'm just saying, what if she is so evil, that even though she loves you, the next day, she will inflict pain and suffering on you because she can't resist the temptation.

She is that evil. She'd start arguments for the sake of it and use me as an outlet when younger.

This thing is I don't think that fits the definition of love. Mothers are supposed to protect and raise their children, not damage them. I'm sure she "loves" me, but she is too evil for it to matter.

 

[Severen]

She is that evil. She'd start arguments for the sake of it and use me as an outlet when younger.

This thing is I don't think that fits the definition of love. Mothers are supposed to protect and raise their children, not damage them. I'm sure she "loves" me, but she is too evil for it to matter.

Yeah, what I'm saying is maybe she loves you but it doesn't matter because she is too evil.