This is all very negative so I didn't want to post it in recovery.
Basically I started waking up in the morning again in order to try to feel better. When I sleep at normal times something about it makes me feel physically and emotionally better. But each time I get into this groove I realize the hell I was escaping by being a night owl. I was having a pleasant day today until the noise bombardment started. Everything was ruined. My brain gets rattled and my heart starts racing and I can't concentrate or derive pleasure from anything, I'm just enduring pain. It's not necessary noise, it's noise because people enjoy being noisy when they could just be quiet. I fixed my schedule 4 days ago in an attempt to be proactive, but this entire week I've been playing a daily battle to avoid the noise. It is so stressful. When I am awake all night instead, it's so quiet and peaceful. But I feel drained and depressed at those hours. The second day I slept at regular hours, I ended up cleaning a bunch and felt energetic. I am damned in different ways depending on when I sleep.
The noise made it all felt so hopeless and pointless I just wanted to meltdown. I wanted to destroy things like an enraged cave man and go full destruction mode. I used to self harm because when I cut it was like my mind would shut off, I would just kind of phase out and feel nothing and stare off like a vegetable after inflicting a few deep wounds. That relief is addictive in the same way drugs and alcohol are. I've abstained 2 years. I wanted to very badly but was able to have some self control, I went into bed and sobbed into my pillow while listening to white noise. I'm tired of listening to white noise for 12 hours a day just to avoid the noise overload. Even when I watch something like a youtube video or a stream, I have to play white noise along with it because the foreign noises keep penetrating through during the quiet parts. It is so miserable. I'm such a low functioning person.
It has been this way my whole life and that isn't changing. I remember I first noticed when I started getting assigned books for homework at school, I was having trouble reading them at all because my mom would be on the phone going "LA LA LA LA LA LA" during the evening, and there was nowhere quiet to be able to actually focus. I cannot read or write or calculate anything if there is noise, my senses just get overloaded and my brain shuts off. When doing my science elective credits for college, my professor liked to play music pretty loudly in the lab. I couldn't read my lab book or think clearly during class, I would feel this huge sense of relief to get out of that room once class was over. Most people enjoyed the lab days, but I preferred the lecture days because the room was just calm and the professor just talked for a few hours in her soothing voice.
I'm like a caveman that wasn't meant to be living in the 21st century. Noise is one of the main reasons I want to CTB, because in my case it isn't a temporary problem. Noise has been a lifelong battle and it's never going to end, it's like a lion that has been tracking me and hunting me my entire life. I am constantly trying to escape it and avoid it. The grinch from the animated movie How The Grinch Stole Christmas was actually the only good person in that story. He lived very far away from Whoville, but they made so much of a commotion that he still was noise tortured in his little cave. When he stole christmas from them they made a bunch of noise anyway, so he said fuck it and gave their presents back.
I have calmed down some. I am looking at noise cancelling headphones that are on the cheap side. If they do not help I will have to go back to sleeping all day. I would rather feel physically/mentally like shit than to have awful noise being machine gunned into my ear on a daily basis.
Basically I started waking up in the morning again in order to try to feel better. When I sleep at normal times something about it makes me feel physically and emotionally better. But each time I get into this groove I realize the hell I was escaping by being a night owl. I was having a pleasant day today until the noise bombardment started. Everything was ruined. My brain gets rattled and my heart starts racing and I can't concentrate or derive pleasure from anything, I'm just enduring pain. It's not necessary noise, it's noise because people enjoy being noisy when they could just be quiet. I fixed my schedule 4 days ago in an attempt to be proactive, but this entire week I've been playing a daily battle to avoid the noise. It is so stressful. When I am awake all night instead, it's so quiet and peaceful. But I feel drained and depressed at those hours. The second day I slept at regular hours, I ended up cleaning a bunch and felt energetic. I am damned in different ways depending on when I sleep.
The noise made it all felt so hopeless and pointless I just wanted to meltdown. I wanted to destroy things like an enraged cave man and go full destruction mode. I used to self harm because when I cut it was like my mind would shut off, I would just kind of phase out and feel nothing and stare off like a vegetable after inflicting a few deep wounds. That relief is addictive in the same way drugs and alcohol are. I've abstained 2 years. I wanted to very badly but was able to have some self control, I went into bed and sobbed into my pillow while listening to white noise. I'm tired of listening to white noise for 12 hours a day just to avoid the noise overload. Even when I watch something like a youtube video or a stream, I have to play white noise along with it because the foreign noises keep penetrating through during the quiet parts. It is so miserable. I'm such a low functioning person.
It has been this way my whole life and that isn't changing. I remember I first noticed when I started getting assigned books for homework at school, I was having trouble reading them at all because my mom would be on the phone going "LA LA LA LA LA LA" during the evening, and there was nowhere quiet to be able to actually focus. I cannot read or write or calculate anything if there is noise, my senses just get overloaded and my brain shuts off. When doing my science elective credits for college, my professor liked to play music pretty loudly in the lab. I couldn't read my lab book or think clearly during class, I would feel this huge sense of relief to get out of that room once class was over. Most people enjoyed the lab days, but I preferred the lecture days because the room was just calm and the professor just talked for a few hours in her soothing voice.
I'm like a caveman that wasn't meant to be living in the 21st century. Noise is one of the main reasons I want to CTB, because in my case it isn't a temporary problem. Noise has been a lifelong battle and it's never going to end, it's like a lion that has been tracking me and hunting me my entire life. I am constantly trying to escape it and avoid it. The grinch from the animated movie How The Grinch Stole Christmas was actually the only good person in that story. He lived very far away from Whoville, but they made so much of a commotion that he still was noise tortured in his little cave. When he stole christmas from them they made a bunch of noise anyway, so he said fuck it and gave their presents back.
I have calmed down some. I am looking at noise cancelling headphones that are on the cheap side. If they do not help I will have to go back to sleeping all day. I would rather feel physically/mentally like shit than to have awful noise being machine gunned into my ear on a daily basis.
