![Ash](/data/avatars/l/31/31439.jpg?1633463768)
Ash
Enlightened
- Oct 4, 2021
- 1,351
A friend, who knows my recent and past history, got in touch earlier to say she's in the area next week and suggested meeting up. I've said yes but then the anxiety kicked in about how much much weight I've put on, the fact that I've done nothing except cut and continue to go through crisis after crisis since I last saw her a few months ago, that I've got two massive dressings on my wrist and forearm that will not be healed by Tuesday morning, that I'm exhausted and suicidal half the time and my PTSD is in overdrive and I don't want to share any of that over a cup of tea in garden centre cafe.
I'm trying to be reasonable with myself but she's just messaged and said that another mutual friend is coming along too and I don't know what to think. This friend stayed up with me all night while we waited for the transport to come to take me to the secure ward back in the winter and looked after my dog while I was there, but then went off the radar and has barely been in touch since so my paranoia, also in overdrive along with the PTSD, is asking all sorts of questions.
I'm trying to take it at face value: a tea/coffee with friends. If there's an agenda, so be it. We'll be in public, I'll have to mask and then I can come home and fall to pieces when I get back. If it's a heart to heart and an apology? Well I've got things I need to apologise for, too. I haven't brought it up as this friend hasn't been answering my calls.
The last paragraph is, I should say, an aim rather than how I'm actually feeling. You know how toddlers scribble and tell you it's a tree? That's me inside right now.
I'm trying to be reasonable with myself but she's just messaged and said that another mutual friend is coming along too and I don't know what to think. This friend stayed up with me all night while we waited for the transport to come to take me to the secure ward back in the winter and looked after my dog while I was there, but then went off the radar and has barely been in touch since so my paranoia, also in overdrive along with the PTSD, is asking all sorts of questions.
I'm trying to take it at face value: a tea/coffee with friends. If there's an agenda, so be it. We'll be in public, I'll have to mask and then I can come home and fall to pieces when I get back. If it's a heart to heart and an apology? Well I've got things I need to apologise for, too. I haven't brought it up as this friend hasn't been answering my calls.
The last paragraph is, I should say, an aim rather than how I'm actually feeling. You know how toddlers scribble and tell you it's a tree? That's me inside right now.