meaningless life

[iamalwaysalone]

posting here bc my passive suicidality makes me feel unqualified to post in the suicide discussion thread. I've honestly reached a point of feeling so terrible and worthless that I haven't felt in so long, and I'm really wondering if and how there is ever any getting better. It's literally a physical feeling that numbs me but also weighs down on my heart. For the past few days I was just sleeping for like 16 hours a day until my sadness started seeping into my dreams and waking me up at like 6 AM.

I know one of my friends thinks people who are passively suicidal are really stupid because she told me the way she cured her depression was that one day she woke up and decided she didn't want to be depressed and it was that simple for her. And once she sent me a video making fun of people who say they want to ctb and don't and she was like "me" (after I had been kinda voicing my suicidal thoughts online). I love her and she's one of my good friends but it also just adds to me feeling kinda pathetic cause I'm like, she's right I guess, like all I know how to do is complain and I literally am not acting to do anything to better my life or end it or anything.

I don't know I literally just don't know what to do. I've lost interest in so many of the things I've loved. The only thing that really helps right now is writing and most of my writing is just me complaining anyways. I wrote this around 10 days ago, when I was feeling just as bad as I do today:

Humanity is temporary and existence is devoid of meaning. All that we know will disappear into a black hole someday. The only thing that fuels me is writing. It is the only way I can release the burgeoning pain in my heart because I can not cry everyday even if I want to. I have decided not to leave my house anymore, at least until I have to get a job and then I will leave my house just for that. It is the only refuge for comfort that I still have. I live only for the comfort of isolation. Relationships are beginning to lose their meaning. I wonder if I can save myself.

Relationships are really starting to lose their meaning. I get lonely and bored throughout the day and want to talk to people but the moment I have to actually spend time with someone I get tired and just want to be alone. I've been slightly agoraphobic, haven't left my house in about a week. Another really stupid reason why I'm upset is because I asked someone that I loved if they loved me back and they left me on delivered, so I've been processing that too. It adds to my feelings of worthlessness cause I'm like damn I really just allow myself to be so vulnerable and I love people so easily and they just don't give a sh*t lol. and it's also like i can't blame them cause i don't even like/love myself so why would they.

i don't know, just feeling incredibly terrible and numb to everything and i'm on meds and i'm going to therapy so it's like i'm basically doing everything that's supposed to help mental illness and it's not working so maybe my friend is right and I need to just wake up and be happy one day. really wish that could happen soon tho.

 

[Nolan96]

Your friend doesn't sound like she's being the best of friends.

I wish you the best in finding meaning in life and reciprocally fulfilling relationships. I don't think it will be quite as easy as choosing to snap out of suicidality, but I hope things get better for you. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now.

 

[jesse]

For what it's worth, I relate to these experiences. It's disheartening when we do everything that we are "supposed to do", but things just continue to be awful. I think having an empowered attitude can certainly be a force for change, especially combined with motivation and action. Yet, obviously you can't just choose not to have your problems, and being shamed for being justifiably upset at your life's circumstances is unreasonable (and way too common).

 

[Pluto]

I relate to everything you say. We are supposed to be social animals and that can be one reason we become depleted. But after a while, we also have to re-learn the skills to socialise. I've stopped talking to my friends about my depression because they are desensitised to it and there's no point anymore.

Having employment helps, especially if you can connect well with others. In my own case, I have 2 days off per week and spend them all in bed. So it's not exactly a complete solution.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Your friend is just being an ass; you don't wake up and decide to think happy thoughts one day and everything is fine. You can only work towards management, which it sounds like you are already doing. It doesn't necessarily say anything about you if these things don't work immediately or even in the long term. Illness is complex and difficult to treat.

Even if it's 'just whining' to you, writing is never harmful. At least it gives you a space to release these thoughts and possibly foster creativity.

I can relate to everything you've written here. Best wishes. You can always vent to me if you need to.