Chemi
*.✧ Que Sera, Sera ✧.* | 25y/o fem
- Nov 25, 2025
- 283
An old friend I hadn't spoken to in five years messaged me today. Initially, he wanted access to my Netflix account again, and what started as a hesitant hello turned into him unloading every single terrible thing I ever did when I was a traumatized, drug-addicted teenager. Every mean, selfish word I spat at people because I was too broken to see them as anything but threats. Every time I panicked and acted possessive when friends started liking him more than me, because I was terrified of being replaced again. Every time, I dragged people into my dark cloud because I didn't know how to keep it to myself. He listed it all like he had been saving it up, and when he was done, he said he was glad I finally "got enlightened" and realized how awful I used to be sometimes. As if the last five years of hating myself, of forcing myself to be kinder, of breaking and rebuilding bad habits one agonizing day at a time, had been nothing more than a temporary act I could drop whenever I wanted.
The shame crashed over me like cold water I couldn't breathe through. It's in every inch of me now, my throat closing up, my stomach twisting into knots, my hands shaking so hard I can barely type. It's telling me that I will never be good enough, that all the work was pointless, that the monster was always the real me, and everyone who ever knew me must still see it when they look at me. I feel like I can never leave this house again, like the second I step outside, people will recognize the evil I carry and turn away. I feel like I can never recover, never make up for what I did, never be forgiven by the world or by myself.
I keep crying until my eyes burn and my chest aches, then everything just… stops. I stare at the wall with nothing behind my eyes, no thoughts, no feelings, just empty space where I used to be. Then the tears come back harder, and the cycle repeats. Cry. Blank. Cry. Blank. My brain keeps switching off to keep me from feeling the full weight, but it can't stay off long enough for the pain to ease. It hurts so much I can't even describe it properly. It's the kind of hurt that sits in your bones, that makes your skin feel too tight, that makes every breath feel like swallowing glass.
I want to cry for help so badly. I want to scream "someone please come, someone please see me, someone please make this stop" until my voice gives out. But I know no one will come. No one ever has when it mattered most. The people who should have protected me as a kid didn't. The friends who saw me falling apart looked away. The ex who said he loved me kept me on a leash while he fucked everyone else. And now this old friend, after knowing me since middle school, only remembers the worst parts and throws them in my face like that's all I ever was. So why would anyone come now? Why would anyone care enough to stay when I'm this much of a mess?
The SN is right there in my mind, 30 grams of sodium nitrite just waiting to get poured into a glass. No antiemetics this time. Let it burn on the way down. Let the vomiting and the convulsions and the long, ugly struggle happen. Let it be as painful and destructive as I feel inside, because maybe that's what I deserve, an ending that looks as broken as I am. Maybe that's the only way to make the shame stop screaming.
I just want it to stop hurting.
I want to stop feeling like I'm poison to everyone who gets close.
I want to stop waking up every morning knowing I used to be someone people had to survive.
I want someone to come and hold me and tell me I'm not too far gone to be loved.
But I know no one will.
I want to tear away every layer of my flesh till I can break my bones with my fist.
I feel so alone in my pain. So, so alone...
I need to hurt myself somehow, today
(And no, I don't want anybody to send the police to my house again... crazy I even have to live with this fear now too)
The shame crashed over me like cold water I couldn't breathe through. It's in every inch of me now, my throat closing up, my stomach twisting into knots, my hands shaking so hard I can barely type. It's telling me that I will never be good enough, that all the work was pointless, that the monster was always the real me, and everyone who ever knew me must still see it when they look at me. I feel like I can never leave this house again, like the second I step outside, people will recognize the evil I carry and turn away. I feel like I can never recover, never make up for what I did, never be forgiven by the world or by myself.
I keep crying until my eyes burn and my chest aches, then everything just… stops. I stare at the wall with nothing behind my eyes, no thoughts, no feelings, just empty space where I used to be. Then the tears come back harder, and the cycle repeats. Cry. Blank. Cry. Blank. My brain keeps switching off to keep me from feeling the full weight, but it can't stay off long enough for the pain to ease. It hurts so much I can't even describe it properly. It's the kind of hurt that sits in your bones, that makes your skin feel too tight, that makes every breath feel like swallowing glass.
I want to cry for help so badly. I want to scream "someone please come, someone please see me, someone please make this stop" until my voice gives out. But I know no one will come. No one ever has when it mattered most. The people who should have protected me as a kid didn't. The friends who saw me falling apart looked away. The ex who said he loved me kept me on a leash while he fucked everyone else. And now this old friend, after knowing me since middle school, only remembers the worst parts and throws them in my face like that's all I ever was. So why would anyone come now? Why would anyone care enough to stay when I'm this much of a mess?
The SN is right there in my mind, 30 grams of sodium nitrite just waiting to get poured into a glass. No antiemetics this time. Let it burn on the way down. Let the vomiting and the convulsions and the long, ugly struggle happen. Let it be as painful and destructive as I feel inside, because maybe that's what I deserve, an ending that looks as broken as I am. Maybe that's the only way to make the shame stop screaming.
I just want it to stop hurting.
I want to stop feeling like I'm poison to everyone who gets close.
I want to stop waking up every morning knowing I used to be someone people had to survive.
I want someone to come and hold me and tell me I'm not too far gone to be loved.
But I know no one will.
I want to tear away every layer of my flesh till I can break my bones with my fist.
I feel so alone in my pain. So, so alone...
I need to hurt myself somehow, today
(And no, I don't want anybody to send the police to my house again... crazy I even have to live with this fear now too)
