Venting Maybe Some Aren't Meant To Be Here

[Beautifulletdown]

Are some people just not meant to be here? I've felt that way all my life and have even voiced it. The response to me has been, you've made it this far but what does that really mean. I've really tried, I really have. This treatment resistant MDD has plagued me since age 10 pretty much taking most of my life away. I've done it all to get better, too many medications to count-SSRIs, SNRIs, MAOIs, Antipsychotics mixing up combinations, Ketamine, TBS,TMS. The MAOIs were the recent rounds with Lithium and TBS. Well, I've never experienced severe side effects until then. I think these medications finally fucked me up good because I've never been this bad before. I've been knocked down and able to get back up but this time is different and difficult. My family doesn't understand and aren't supportive at all. I feel very alone and lonely all the time. I'm not working and can't seem to get up enough motivation to look and on top of it all I'm the main care giver for my mom even though my dad is there and I have siblings in much better position than myself to take things on for her but since they're working and I'm not it's okay. I was going to kill myself this weekend but wanted to make sure my mother got to her appointment. It has been postponed until next month but honestly I'm not going to hold on that long. Not sure why I haven't killed myself sooner, possibly because I'm scared of failing and being worst off. Also, I think for my cats but don't think I can hold on anymore. I never thought my life would look like this, no job, money, insurance. I saw myself with a spouse and children but can't even have that much. I don't see myself getting better or getting what I want out of life. It should be so easy to let go. A failure all the way around.

 

[Empty Smile]

We are all born just to be slaves to the government. We are robots to them, nothing more. Basically, they make laws and rules and we are expected to follow them.

But other than that, like you, my life is nothing but hell. I have no desire to do anything. All the things I used to love to do, I don't even want to do. My depression is still shit, my anxiety is shit, my life is shit.

Death can't come soon enough for me.

 

[sad_frog]

I don't think anyone is meant to be here but that doesnt mean youre not meant to be here either. Life was random, everything was random as far as I can tell. Who you are, no one had any say in that except evolution.. The one rule all life follows.

When I was young I was also diagnosed with MDD. I took every kind of medication available. After my nearly successful attempt on my life I started harder treatments like ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) for 3 years followed by rTMS (Repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) and Sprintec (which I didn't follow through on.)
I was also the sole caregiver of my disabled mother nearly my entire childhood. My sister, who is way more equipped to take care of my mother, left 14 years ago when I was 10 and never returned, becoming a fashion editor and marrying a rich man. I will see my sister's photos of her going on vacation with her family-in-law and buying expensive things while I'm still here..give my mom money I don't have so she can pay the bills. My family is narcissistic and petty, they literally made me want to kill myself. I had to claw my way out of the house that I lived in with my gma and mother because they didn't want to lose that support. I felt bad but knew I had to get away in order to be happy. Turns out that they're fucking FINE on their own and they just enjoy guilt tripping me (AND GOD FUCK DOES IT WORK SOMETIMES) but I'm way better now that I'm out of that environment.

I really don't know the full picture of your feelings and circumstances.. But maybe it would help if you started distancing yourself from your family and making friends. I once felt so useless that talking to anyone felt like I was burdening them. That would be my first step and it's sorta a big one. But loneliness is, well, deadly...I believe friends are necessary to understanding yourself as an individual and reclaiming a life you want to make your own and not to just follow this mold you were born into.

Regardless, this is your life and you can do with it whatever you want. I hope you can find peace in the future!

 

[Beautifulletdown]

I don't think anyone is meant to be here but that doesnt mean youre not meant to be here either. Life was random, everything was random as far as I can tell. Who you are, no one had any say in that except evolution.. The one rule all life follows.

When I was young I was also diagnosed with MDD. I took every kind of medication available. After my nearly successful attempt on my life I started harder treatments like ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) for 3 years followed by rTMS (Repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) and Sprintec (which I didn't follow through on.)
I was also the sole caregiver of my disabled mother nearly my entire childhood. My sister, who is way more equipped to take care of my mother, left 14 years ago when I was 10 and never returned, becoming a fashion editor and marrying a rich man. I will see my sister's photos of her going on vacation with her family-in-law and buying expensive things while I'm still here..give my mom money I don't have so she can pay the bills. My family is narcissistic and petty, they literally made me want to kill myself. I had to claw my way out of the house that I lived in with my gma and mother because they didn't want to lose that support. I felt bad but knew I had to get away in order to be happy. Turns out that they're fucking FINE on their own and they just enjoy guilt tripping me (AND GOD FUCK DOES IT WORK SOMETIMES) but I'm way better now that I'm out of that environment.

I really don't know the full picture of your feelings and circumstances.. But maybe it would help if you started distancing yourself from your family and making friends. I once felt so useless that talking to anyone felt like I was burdening them. That would be my first step and it's sorta a big one. But loneliness is, well, deadly...I believe friends are necessary to understanding yourself as an individual and reclaiming a life you want to make your own and not to just follow this mold you were born into.

Regardless, this is your life and you can do with it whatever you want. I hope you can find peace in the future!

I appreciate you're response to my post. I try desperately to not reach out or post anything but honestly I don't have any other place to do this. I feel ashamed that I'm not strong enough to keep everything inside of me locked tight.

Your story sounds similar to my own but it seems like you're stronger. I would love nothing more than to get away from my family but not sure how I can do that in the state I'm in. I need a good job but how do I get one if my mind is the way it is. I tried applying for disability to get some insurance to get somewhat decent care but I was declined because they consider me not sick enough.

In all honesty I've tried to make friends but many can't or don't want to understand what you're going through or may go through at times. Most ppl just use me to get through whatever they're going through and then get over me. I'm not saying this to get your pity it's simply what I've experienced. Also, I'm in my forties and it's harder to make friends because people already have their close circles and don't want to let anyone into.

Again, I appreciate your response because you didnt have to write anything at all. Thank you

 

[Pistolero114]

We are all born just to be slaves to the government. We are robots to them, nothing more. Basically, they make laws and rules and we are expected to follow them.

But other than that, like you, my life is nothing but hell. I have no desire to do anything. All the things I used to love to do, I don't even want to do. My depression is still shit, my anxiety is shit, my life is shit.

Death can't come soon enough for me.

I concur in regards to the government making us slaves. And in regards to the MDD I can only say I think I know how you feel. Good luck whatever your decision is.

 

[Beautifulletdown]

I concur in regards to the government making us slaves. And in regards to the MDD I can only say I think I know how you feel. Good luck whatever your decision is.

Thank you, I appreciate it. Good luck to you as well.

 

[sad_frog]

I appreciate you're response to my post. I try desperately to not reach out or post anything but honestly I don't have any other place to do this. I feel ashamed that I'm not strong enough to keep everything inside of me locked tight.

Your story sounds similar to my own but it seems like you're stronger. I would love nothing more than to get away from my family but not sure how I can do that in the state I'm in. I need a good job but how do I get one if my mind is the way it is. I tried applying for disability to get some insurance to get somewhat decent care but I was declined because they consider me not sick enough.

In all honesty I've tried to make friends but many can't or don't want to understand what you're going through or may go through at times. Most ppl just use me to get through whatever they're going through and then get over me. I'm not saying this to get your pity it's simply what I've experienced. Also, I'm in my forties and it's harder to make friends because people already have their close circles and don't want to let anyone into.

Again, I appreciate your response because you didnt have to write anything at all. Thank you

I feel very similarly. I am ashamed because it feels like so many people have it "easy," they aren't bothered by the same small things I am.. So I've come to the conclusion that I must be "overreacting," there has to be a reason I escalate things in my head, "I must be broken."
The reason I joined this website was so I could vent because I've learned how important it is to not bottle up all the stress and anxiety the world is laying on you. It's fine to complain, it's healthy. It helps you realize what you need out of life.

Just because I was in a similar situation to you and was able to get out doesn't make me stronger, I had the help of a very close person and would probably not be the person I am today without them. I'm lucky to have them.

Making friends is... The hardest thing I'm still working on for myself. You're right, it feels nearly impossible to make friends, especially as we get older. I have trouble even going on anonymous chat groups just because of my anxiety of talking to anyone.
The first friend I made outside of highschool ended up being fucking crazy and I had to ghost them. I didn't want to make friends after that...But I knew I needed people, a support system.
I wish I had the formula to find friends that you can truly feel comfortable around. I was able to make a friend by going into a chat room and just talking about the things I enjoyed (animation). Soon someone started talking back and we became friends. I feel as though I was very lucky to met a nice person... Some aren't so lucky.
This is cheesy as all fuck but if you keep putting yourself out there you might find something you didn't know you were looking for.
I hope things get better!.... and easier, much easier. I hope I was able to help if just a little! Stay strong!

 

[pole]

i feel like yeah, some arent meant to be here.

some are destined for pain and suffering. bad outcome after bad outcome, and no sight of hope, even when trying their hardest to even garner the slightest of hope :(. and its the saddest thing ever, watching it from the outside looking in, watching someone crumble, yet still hang on and fight, but crumble and deteriorate mentally and physically slowly and slowly.

hope you feel better and things turn around for you.

 

[woxihuanni]

Yup, life has no tolerance for some people. I just don't seem to be a real person, just some disposable trash. Nothing I produce has any worth to anyone, nothing I do matters. I hate the reconciliatory expression on my face, the brave smile. It is humiliating. Real people get to storm out when they are in the wrong and have people running after them. I just sink inside and try and figure out which method is surer to die.

It's sort of satisfactory that I will suffer when I die.