milk is sweet
emily <3
- Apr 11, 2023
- 37
I just want to write, because I want to vent.
I feel like no one understands me. There is a lot about my nature, like when I was in high school, I had this best friend, who kind of betrayed me, she just made me look so bad in front of everyone and portrayed herself as a truthful person. I was very reserved since I was younger. I rarely used to talk about my problems with anyone, you know even just normal things like on which little kids cry a lot, when they fall down, someone picks up a fight with them, or their teacher scolds them a lot. I mean even if I compare with my younger sibling, she isn't like me, and many people I know weren't like me. When they were kids. So, my parents took me as a very shy and reserved kid. I don't talk much, Even though I am at end of my teen years. My mother thinks I am emotionless, not just her, everyone at home says that. I don't console them. Everyone at home knows that I am a liar, but they don't wanna talk about how it started. When I was in kindergarten, a friend of mine forgot her book there, so I took her book with me back home, with sole intention of returning her back next day. But my mother checked my bag that day, and without even hearing me out, she labeled me as liar and pathetic person. For her I was only a liar. I cried a lot that day, I still remember that evening crystal clear. She slapped me a lot, and next day she put on all my notebooks that I am a thief and a liar and asked me to bring these back, signed by teacher, and she took my bag away and asked me to take a polythene to school, every day. I hate her since then. I don't show it. But after that I started lying. At every little thing. I don't know why? Just because I wanted to annoy her, idk. And after that she used to tell everyone that how big liar I am. My classmates started teasing me in primary as liar. But I stopped caring since then. I cannot explain, how much I bore but it was a lot, and I was just 6-7 years old then. About my father, he is not that bad, but you know he is like If I do something good then I am his daughter otherwise I am a worthless daughter of my mother, not his at all. Maybe this helped me lot for not guilt tripping, I guess. Now they came to know that I am pretty stressed. I am struggling to even normally talk, or even just step out of my room. And now sometimes they just sit here and cry, saying what will they do if something happened to me. I cannot even console them; idk I just don't console anyone. I developed this kind of personality very very long time ago, not caring about anyone, not considering whatever anyone says, I don't have any regrets even if I do what I want to. But she will still go through my phone to check out chats, I hate it, I hate this to death, but I don't want to create any more drama. I just don't want to talk with them at all. I was in a relationship once, but I fucked it up, because I had always kept things to myself, and also, I am not much good at showing love, I do care, but still, I am not that affectionate, maybe people like me don't deserve to be loved. I just feel like I cannot fit anywhere, I hate talking but then I'll be getting jealous of people in groups. I don't even know what to do anymore. But I just want to run away, very far from here, where no one knows me.
I don't want to be like this. I am emotionless, I hate it, I just cannot be happy or sad. I wanted to be an emotional person long time ago, but at the moment I don't want to do anything. I have fucked up things, I don't want things to get better. I have fucked up my academic life, my social life, everything. I just cannot find any place or any person who is at least like me around me. I feel like people are so happy, and only I am the one, who has no bright future ahead, everyone around me makes me feel like shit.
I feel like no one understands me. There is a lot about my nature, like when I was in high school, I had this best friend, who kind of betrayed me, she just made me look so bad in front of everyone and portrayed herself as a truthful person. I was very reserved since I was younger. I rarely used to talk about my problems with anyone, you know even just normal things like on which little kids cry a lot, when they fall down, someone picks up a fight with them, or their teacher scolds them a lot. I mean even if I compare with my younger sibling, she isn't like me, and many people I know weren't like me. When they were kids. So, my parents took me as a very shy and reserved kid. I don't talk much, Even though I am at end of my teen years. My mother thinks I am emotionless, not just her, everyone at home says that. I don't console them. Everyone at home knows that I am a liar, but they don't wanna talk about how it started. When I was in kindergarten, a friend of mine forgot her book there, so I took her book with me back home, with sole intention of returning her back next day. But my mother checked my bag that day, and without even hearing me out, she labeled me as liar and pathetic person. For her I was only a liar. I cried a lot that day, I still remember that evening crystal clear. She slapped me a lot, and next day she put on all my notebooks that I am a thief and a liar and asked me to bring these back, signed by teacher, and she took my bag away and asked me to take a polythene to school, every day. I hate her since then. I don't show it. But after that I started lying. At every little thing. I don't know why? Just because I wanted to annoy her, idk. And after that she used to tell everyone that how big liar I am. My classmates started teasing me in primary as liar. But I stopped caring since then. I cannot explain, how much I bore but it was a lot, and I was just 6-7 years old then. About my father, he is not that bad, but you know he is like If I do something good then I am his daughter otherwise I am a worthless daughter of my mother, not his at all. Maybe this helped me lot for not guilt tripping, I guess. Now they came to know that I am pretty stressed. I am struggling to even normally talk, or even just step out of my room. And now sometimes they just sit here and cry, saying what will they do if something happened to me. I cannot even console them; idk I just don't console anyone. I developed this kind of personality very very long time ago, not caring about anyone, not considering whatever anyone says, I don't have any regrets even if I do what I want to. But she will still go through my phone to check out chats, I hate it, I hate this to death, but I don't want to create any more drama. I just don't want to talk with them at all. I was in a relationship once, but I fucked it up, because I had always kept things to myself, and also, I am not much good at showing love, I do care, but still, I am not that affectionate, maybe people like me don't deserve to be loved. I just feel like I cannot fit anywhere, I hate talking but then I'll be getting jealous of people in groups. I don't even know what to do anymore. But I just want to run away, very far from here, where no one knows me.
I don't want to be like this. I am emotionless, I hate it, I just cannot be happy or sad. I wanted to be an emotional person long time ago, but at the moment I don't want to do anything. I have fucked up things, I don't want things to get better. I have fucked up my academic life, my social life, everything. I just cannot find any place or any person who is at least like me around me. I feel like people are so happy, and only I am the one, who has no bright future ahead, everyone around me makes me feel like shit.
