Herc
New Member
- Apr 7, 2023
- 1
I was about to throw my life away and end it all, and today would be the day where there's no turning back anymore. I don't mean that I'd kill myself today, but rather that I'd be quitting my uni, if I'm not already kicked out, and I'd betray and distance myself from my parents, since they'd immediately if not a couple days later notice what i did, because they have control over my bank account and some bills would appear/ fundings disappear. I'd also be quitting my job, etc... This would be the beginning of the end for me, and there won't be a turning back anymore.
In the morning I was reminiscing through my life and all the moments where I was thrown away, excluded, looked down at and ignored while I was working my hardest, and i was thinking about how my parents were just standing there and watching while i succeeded or failed, without having any impact on anything. And i remembered the times where i told them that I'm not getting where i want mainly because someone in charge doesn't let me or the rare times where i broke down infront of them bcs nothing that I want for myself works out and I was just that helpless and desperate to turn to and cry to my parents, but nothing got better. I was trying to find the time where I went wrong, where i genuinely should've known better and where i am at fault, failing to do so, cause for godssake I am not all-knowing, especially not as a teen, and there wasn't anyone, and i should have done enough to prove myself if I can say so myself. But noone let me. I wandered around multiple different clubs, competed in science competitions and tried to show that i have it in me and I'm willing to put in the work. I never drank, smoke, heck even ate sweets during a long period of time because i thought i couldn't afford it, it would all set me back further. Once i got quite successful actually, i reached in the international junior science olympics the state competition level (which was the 5th round i assume) after getting special qualifications to the second round through some strong success elsewhere. There, we attended a camp made of the 20 best out of the state, and i thought i would be getting quite some appreciation and find friends or people (i mean adults) who could help me push further. But no, it was just like always, noone, not even the professors or the other students took me seriously. I remember how i was sort of treated as the one who wouldn't belong here, since they found it funny how i collected coupons in my purse. And i remember that one time where we did some experiments with the DNA of tomatoes and i messed up and broke something, which made the supervisor decide to exclude me from that session, and i wasn't allowed to touch anything, nor did they answer my questions seriously. And this was the furthest i got in the competition, since I got there through studying on my very own in the first place, unlike those other pussies who had their doctor parents behind them. But on test day I failed miserably, since i just didn't understand the questions and tasks anymore, and during the time i was studying before i asked my parents if there might be someone who could help me out cause I'm stuck, but they only told me to ask my teachers in school, which wasn't gonna work, since the school didn't support me in anything in the first place, even tho i was competing in the name of our school. Either way, i failed miserably, and i remember how my parents were as usual sitting in the car, waiting, while the other parents, obviously looking filthy rich and arrogant, were chatting together and with the supervisors and professors there. I wasn't naive, i know that racism was a big part there, since my brothers suffered the same fate and it's just too obvious. I was the only foreigner in almost anywhere i went, and not because foreigners don't live here, but no one just reached as far as I did. But i also think that if my parents would have put more work in trying to fit me in, and standing geniuenly behind me, i might have gotten further. But who can blame them, many foreign parents don't know how to support their child and don't know how to make them successful here, and my parents definitely did not understand the standarts I aimed for. And maybe i was a bit more gifted and motivated here and there, since i had to help my brothers in their school life so goddamn much that i questioned their sanity sometimes (but i love them dw). Either way, I'm done trying to prove myself, trying my best for me and my family without receiving any bother about what's happening, and I'm done feeling miserable about not being where i want to be. I only see a failure, even tho its not entirely my fault, it's just how it is and who i am now.
The only thing that genuinely was my fault was when i started failing tests, gave up and let people go, who i know never wanted to be with me in the first place, or even if they did, i don't want them anymore, since I'm fed up with them looking down on me, the black haired foreginer who probably knows all about crack and drugs cause he looks like it. And the more i failed my life, the more i noticed how noone gives a shit, and how society is a lie: there are only groups who people work with and accept each other, but they let noone in, no matter how long he is their fucking neighbor sometimes. Oh god that reminds me on the street festivals they did, where many kids from my class in elementary school did a bbq with their parents, because many of us lived in the same street, obviously excluding us. There was even a tragedy, where one student passed away, who i thought was my friend since he invited me to his birthday parties. But i recieved the message about his parting in school, when they planted a tree for him, and i realized that i missed his funeral and noone told me or invited me/our family. Gosh I'm so happy that we moved away from that place.
Either way, that's the past and the person I am now is not even close to what I imagined to be. I'm fucking 19 and the more i look at the youth from now, and what they can do or reach, even if it's something small like a state competition in sports or anything, i just get so frustrated, since i never reached that, even tho i tried my best to do that. I remember now that one coach when i did track and field, who picked from time to time the guys for the next competition. He always picked the same, who i had long surpassed in discipline, attendance and sometimes abilities. I talked with him so often, when I'm gonna be ready and when he will let me compete, but after three years of waiting i had to quit bcs we moved away. But I'm missing the point again, I can't live in this reality where I'm a nobody and beneath other people who i could crush with my two fingers if i could, heck, if someone in this fucking world would have let me once. I'm messed up now, getting mad when i see kids in public, getting mad when i see other parents, getting mad when i walk through a crowd in the city, and being just constantly depressed and lifeless, and alone, with no one but my brothers on my side. If i shouldn't be here, then i won't, i don't care about anything of this world anymore, they can all just fuck themselves and die of alcoholism honestly.
These are my thoughts and my mood for a long time now and today i wanted to start my last chapter, with doing what i said in the beginning: ending everything, from relationship to occupations, step for step until there's nothing but silence around me, in which i can rest, hopefully peacefully.
I was reminiscing about everything, and getting teary eyes again, until a thought struck me:
Why do I treat myself the same way as others treat me? I don't think I deserve that. I don't think WE (my brothers and I) deserve that.
I don't know the answer to the question, I never had that thought before, and it suddenly revived some pride in me. It's weird, because my view on life/people has not changed, and i doubt it ever will, but i think the view towards myself did and I'm not sure what to do with that.
For starters i called the uni secretary and asked her if I was kicked out yet, and she told me that i wasnt, and that i was very very lucky and should try hard in the future to not take such risks again, since it will only lead to regret and wasted time. After that I was honestly shocked, first about the revelation that I'm still in uni, and secondly about here words, since they sounded, even though they probably weren't, caring. Her words struck me, since it's the first time someone scolded me for a while, and her words were the exact same as the ones I'd say to myself during my early teens. I honestly was about to cry, but these words came again: why do I treat myself the same way other do? I don't deserve that. I had high standards since i always wanted to surpass those other lowlifes in our society. I have a name that i was always proud of, and i want to stand with it above the others. I never want to be treated the same way than others, i aimed higher than that and being on par with those lowlifes around me was an insult for me.
I'm not sure if those little good news will actually have an impact to my fate, or if i eventually will come back here to really finally end it, but i want to see what will happen with me in the next few days. I want to try to treat myself in the way i think i deserve it, and i will try to live up to some of my standarts. I'm getting teary eyes again, since i only see insanely hard work Infront of me and i will maybe want to try hard again, which in the past always led to failure eventually. And I'm not a kid anymore, nothing and no one will look towards my way, not that it ever happened, but it's a bit different now. And my life hasn't changed, it's as miserable as it always was, I just regained a bit energy.
But no, I want to see how far this leads me.
In the morning I was reminiscing through my life and all the moments where I was thrown away, excluded, looked down at and ignored while I was working my hardest, and i was thinking about how my parents were just standing there and watching while i succeeded or failed, without having any impact on anything. And i remembered the times where i told them that I'm not getting where i want mainly because someone in charge doesn't let me or the rare times where i broke down infront of them bcs nothing that I want for myself works out and I was just that helpless and desperate to turn to and cry to my parents, but nothing got better. I was trying to find the time where I went wrong, where i genuinely should've known better and where i am at fault, failing to do so, cause for godssake I am not all-knowing, especially not as a teen, and there wasn't anyone, and i should have done enough to prove myself if I can say so myself. But noone let me. I wandered around multiple different clubs, competed in science competitions and tried to show that i have it in me and I'm willing to put in the work. I never drank, smoke, heck even ate sweets during a long period of time because i thought i couldn't afford it, it would all set me back further. Once i got quite successful actually, i reached in the international junior science olympics the state competition level (which was the 5th round i assume) after getting special qualifications to the second round through some strong success elsewhere. There, we attended a camp made of the 20 best out of the state, and i thought i would be getting quite some appreciation and find friends or people (i mean adults) who could help me push further. But no, it was just like always, noone, not even the professors or the other students took me seriously. I remember how i was sort of treated as the one who wouldn't belong here, since they found it funny how i collected coupons in my purse. And i remember that one time where we did some experiments with the DNA of tomatoes and i messed up and broke something, which made the supervisor decide to exclude me from that session, and i wasn't allowed to touch anything, nor did they answer my questions seriously. And this was the furthest i got in the competition, since I got there through studying on my very own in the first place, unlike those other pussies who had their doctor parents behind them. But on test day I failed miserably, since i just didn't understand the questions and tasks anymore, and during the time i was studying before i asked my parents if there might be someone who could help me out cause I'm stuck, but they only told me to ask my teachers in school, which wasn't gonna work, since the school didn't support me in anything in the first place, even tho i was competing in the name of our school. Either way, i failed miserably, and i remember how my parents were as usual sitting in the car, waiting, while the other parents, obviously looking filthy rich and arrogant, were chatting together and with the supervisors and professors there. I wasn't naive, i know that racism was a big part there, since my brothers suffered the same fate and it's just too obvious. I was the only foreigner in almost anywhere i went, and not because foreigners don't live here, but no one just reached as far as I did. But i also think that if my parents would have put more work in trying to fit me in, and standing geniuenly behind me, i might have gotten further. But who can blame them, many foreign parents don't know how to support their child and don't know how to make them successful here, and my parents definitely did not understand the standarts I aimed for. And maybe i was a bit more gifted and motivated here and there, since i had to help my brothers in their school life so goddamn much that i questioned their sanity sometimes (but i love them dw). Either way, I'm done trying to prove myself, trying my best for me and my family without receiving any bother about what's happening, and I'm done feeling miserable about not being where i want to be. I only see a failure, even tho its not entirely my fault, it's just how it is and who i am now.
The only thing that genuinely was my fault was when i started failing tests, gave up and let people go, who i know never wanted to be with me in the first place, or even if they did, i don't want them anymore, since I'm fed up with them looking down on me, the black haired foreginer who probably knows all about crack and drugs cause he looks like it. And the more i failed my life, the more i noticed how noone gives a shit, and how society is a lie: there are only groups who people work with and accept each other, but they let noone in, no matter how long he is their fucking neighbor sometimes. Oh god that reminds me on the street festivals they did, where many kids from my class in elementary school did a bbq with their parents, because many of us lived in the same street, obviously excluding us. There was even a tragedy, where one student passed away, who i thought was my friend since he invited me to his birthday parties. But i recieved the message about his parting in school, when they planted a tree for him, and i realized that i missed his funeral and noone told me or invited me/our family. Gosh I'm so happy that we moved away from that place.
Either way, that's the past and the person I am now is not even close to what I imagined to be. I'm fucking 19 and the more i look at the youth from now, and what they can do or reach, even if it's something small like a state competition in sports or anything, i just get so frustrated, since i never reached that, even tho i tried my best to do that. I remember now that one coach when i did track and field, who picked from time to time the guys for the next competition. He always picked the same, who i had long surpassed in discipline, attendance and sometimes abilities. I talked with him so often, when I'm gonna be ready and when he will let me compete, but after three years of waiting i had to quit bcs we moved away. But I'm missing the point again, I can't live in this reality where I'm a nobody and beneath other people who i could crush with my two fingers if i could, heck, if someone in this fucking world would have let me once. I'm messed up now, getting mad when i see kids in public, getting mad when i see other parents, getting mad when i walk through a crowd in the city, and being just constantly depressed and lifeless, and alone, with no one but my brothers on my side. If i shouldn't be here, then i won't, i don't care about anything of this world anymore, they can all just fuck themselves and die of alcoholism honestly.
These are my thoughts and my mood for a long time now and today i wanted to start my last chapter, with doing what i said in the beginning: ending everything, from relationship to occupations, step for step until there's nothing but silence around me, in which i can rest, hopefully peacefully.
I was reminiscing about everything, and getting teary eyes again, until a thought struck me:
Why do I treat myself the same way as others treat me? I don't think I deserve that. I don't think WE (my brothers and I) deserve that.
I don't know the answer to the question, I never had that thought before, and it suddenly revived some pride in me. It's weird, because my view on life/people has not changed, and i doubt it ever will, but i think the view towards myself did and I'm not sure what to do with that.
For starters i called the uni secretary and asked her if I was kicked out yet, and she told me that i wasnt, and that i was very very lucky and should try hard in the future to not take such risks again, since it will only lead to regret and wasted time. After that I was honestly shocked, first about the revelation that I'm still in uni, and secondly about here words, since they sounded, even though they probably weren't, caring. Her words struck me, since it's the first time someone scolded me for a while, and her words were the exact same as the ones I'd say to myself during my early teens. I honestly was about to cry, but these words came again: why do I treat myself the same way other do? I don't deserve that. I had high standards since i always wanted to surpass those other lowlifes in our society. I have a name that i was always proud of, and i want to stand with it above the others. I never want to be treated the same way than others, i aimed higher than that and being on par with those lowlifes around me was an insult for me.
I'm not sure if those little good news will actually have an impact to my fate, or if i eventually will come back here to really finally end it, but i want to see what will happen with me in the next few days. I want to try to treat myself in the way i think i deserve it, and i will try to live up to some of my standarts. I'm getting teary eyes again, since i only see insanely hard work Infront of me and i will maybe want to try hard again, which in the past always led to failure eventually. And I'm not a kid anymore, nothing and no one will look towards my way, not that it ever happened, but it's a bit different now. And my life hasn't changed, it's as miserable as it always was, I just regained a bit energy.
But no, I want to see how far this leads me.
