Venting maybe i want to live, just not here

[ecmnesia]

no matter where I run away to.

i could leave it all behind, parents, college, obligations, friends. i could start all over someone. i can even dare to dream that maybe I'd be able to overcome the horrors that I've seen and start from scratch. could fly across the ocean. cut ties with everyone and everything, perhaps even with my current self.

but would that change things?

the world would still be the same and sooner or later the despair i felt regarding existence would creep in. misery, poverty, injustice, violence, selfishness. none of those things would vanish at my will. I could dedicate a whole live to try and fix things, nontheless the result would be the same: i am nothing but a drop in this ocean filled with despair and pain.

perhaps i do want to live. perhaps i don't really want to die. it's not as simple as not killing myself, though. what I want is a life where I am not impotent, where my actions arent pointless, where I can find meaning, even if fabricated through illusions, where pain is not rule, but the exception. an utopia, if you will. I want to live, but not here.

does this make sense? i don't know. but deep within me, it's what I feel.

 

[darksideofthebright]

I totally feel you OP. This is like seeing my thoughts being put into words in a better way that I can do.

In a way, a part of me really wants to live on, but there is also another part, if not bigger, wants to end all this suffering. Regardless of how hard I've tried to find something that can bring me joy and happiness, I just can't, and the fact that I have to live on for another day not knowing what it is going to be like is terrifying.

I think we all, to a certain extent, have questions about our existences and what we are brought into this world for; and the thought of us being so insignificant (in comparison with this world) and wanting to end it all will always be in the back of our minds.

One question for you OP, if there was ONE thing that can distract you from your suicidal thoughts/change your mind about your existence, what would it be?

 

[CoalmineCanary]

no matter where I run away to.

i could leave it all behind, parents, college, obligations, friends. i could start all over someone. i can even dare to dream that maybe I'd be able to overcome the horrors that I've seen and start from scratch. could fly across the ocean. cut ties with everyone and everything, perhaps even with my current self.

but would that change things?

The more important question is will *you* change....maybe?

the world would still be the same and sooner or later the despair i felt regarding existence would creep in. misery, poverty, injustice, violence, selfishness. none of those things would vanish at my will. I could dedicate a whole live to try and fix things, nontheless the result would be the same: i am nothing but a drop in this ocean filled with despair and pain.

The world will still be the same place but you might be different and that's more important. If you're a little different then the world has become a little different, maybe?

I don't know, but just offering a perspective to way more than just a drop in the ocean I hope.

It's to someone who cares about themselves and the world around them and they are a rarity.

 

[StateOfMind]

where I can find meaning, even if fabricated through illusions, where pain is not rule, but the exception. an utopia, if you will. I want to live, but not here.

Get yourself a VR headset and we may never see you again lol.

 

[Ghost2211]

I really do think trying your life away from your family is a smart idea. Being in a very toxic household with an abusive or neglecting family or being in a toxic abusive romantic relationship can make people psychologically drown. It can make you lose perspective on life outside of that environment, and all that your thoughts and feelings become is that bad environment.

if you do decide to leave make sure you make a careful and thorough plan of where you are going and what you are doing. Is very unwise to just run away and hope things work out.

 

[ecmnesia]

One question for you OP, if there was ONE thing that can distract you from your suicidal thoughts/change your mind about your existence, what would it be?

i gave some thought to this question and no matter what the only answer I can come up with, although against my liking its a very abstract one, is: purpose. one i could truly believe in. one that'd make me dedicate all of my efforts to fullfil. one strong enough that all the rest would be irrelevant when compared.

what about you?

The more important question is will *you* change....maybe?

unfortunately, that's seems unlikely.

do i want to change? i am not even sure.

thanks for the answer, tho. very much appreciated

 

[darksideofthebright]

one i could truly believe in. one that'd make me dedicate all of my efforts to fullfil

This is really a tough one because many of us are struggling to find a purpose. That is something that I am trying to find for myself too. In the past year, my purpose was to make my ex partner happy and take care of him, and now that we are no longer together, I just feel lost and sometimes lose my sense of self-worth. I love to be a carer, so right now I am looking to adopt a cat from a nearby cat shelter.

Yet regardless of everything, I still want to leave this world. It is difficult and tomorrow's happiness is not promised, but I think that because a part of you DOES still want to live on, I really hope you can somehow explore that.

I am no counsellor, but I see myself as an above average listener. So if you want to explore what gives you purpose together, or maybe simply just talk everything out, my DM is always open (if I'm still around lmao).

 

[CoalmineCanary]

Do you have a pet? I live for my cat who is now aging. It gives me purpose and she provides me comfort and companionship. If it's possible consider adopting a pet maybe? Many people find taking care of a loved pet gives them purpose. Good luck.

 

[Nymph]

Wish I could just fly to another planet and start life all over. I also probably wouldn't want to die if I wasn't in my current position and didn't have all the mental issues and such. But I hate earth and what it has become. I don't wanna work till I die, I just wanna be free and do what I wanna do. I don't want to have responsibilities and I don't want there to be a need for me to work. I didn't want to be born in the first place and now the world is forcing me to work till I die for minimum wage

 

[ecmnesia]

to be honest, feels like i am longing for is a miracle, as this purpose thing seems to be what all humans crave for and are yet to achieve.

i can't put my faith in a fallacy, and relationships, romantic or not, are more of a burden to me than anything. looking back I always felt overwhelmed by relationships. there feelings haunt me and i hate this.

this is probably a bad thing to do, but i am gonna try to shut down my feelings regarding my parents and brothers. cause i cant deal with this burden. i can't carry on more thing on my shoulders. they are the only thing holding me back, but i don't want to postpone my wishes anymore

Do you have a pet? I live for my cat who is now aging. It gives me purpose and she provides me comfort and companionship. If it's possible consider adopting a pet maybe?

unfortunately i don't. i tried to adopt one not long ago for this very same reason, but not surprisingly i was forbidden to do so, because although i am of age i am completely financially dependent on my parents.

Wish I could just fly to another planet and start life all over. I also probably wouldn't want to die if I wasn't in my current position and didn't have all the mental issues and such. But I hate earth and what it has become. I don't wanna work till I die, I just wanna be free and do what I wanna do. I don't want to have responsibilities and I don't want there to be a need for me to work. I didn't want to be born in the first place and now the world is forcing me to work till I die for minimum wage

same.

 

[restforeternity]

Me too. I feel like I don't belong in this dimension.

 

[Nymph]

Do you have a pet? I live for my cat who is now aging. It gives me purpose and she provides me comfort and companionship. If it's possible consider adopting a pet maybe? Many people find taking care of a loved pet gives them purpose. Good luck.

I got a bunny half year ago but now I regret it because I've been very suicidal but I can't end it because he's too young and he got attached to me and I don't want him to be alone. So I'd think about it before you get a pet, If you're too suicidal and you plan on ctbing soon maybe don't get a pet so they are not left alone. I personally don't have anyone close to me who could take my rabbit so I just have to suffer here so he isn't lonely

 

[demuic]

I spend 99% of my time in fictional world's because I hate this reality. I always wonder, "how is this life?" So rote, ineffectual, and mind numbing. I hate it here.

 

[AutoTap]

no matter where I run away to.

i could leave it all behind, parents, college, obligations, friends. i could start all over someone. i can even dare to dream that maybe I'd be able to overcome the horrors that I've seen and start from scratch. could fly across the ocean. cut ties with everyone and everything, perhaps even with my current self.

but would that change things?

the world would still be the same and sooner or later the despair i felt regarding existence would creep in. misery, poverty, injustice, violence, selfishness. none of those things would vanish at my will. I could dedicate a whole live to try and fix things, nontheless the result would be the same: i am nothing but a drop in this ocean filled with despair and pain.

perhaps i do want to live. perhaps i don't really want to die. it's not as simple as not killing myself, though. what I want is a life where I am not impotent, where my actions arent pointless, where I can find meaning, even if fabricated through illusions, where pain is not rule, but the exception. an utopia, if you will. I want to live, but not here.

does this make sense? i don't know. but deep within me, it's what I feel.

Yeh I understand and feel the same way