Help maybe I don't want to be better

[ecmnesia]

maybe. I don't want to get better. I've been in despair since 11, or even before, I can't recall. This twisted, gray world is all I ever known. The sadness, the cinism, the void. I'm not quite familiar to anything different than that. The self destructive urges, the suicidal thoughts, the hatred towards existence and people. Sure, I had some great moments but deep inside the void and despair we only hidden.

after years dealing with trauma, depression and anxiety, I finally started medication and therapy. I can sleep now, I'm glad, I don't feel anxious all the time. But I'm not happy, although I should be. The meds are working, and I hate it. I hate to be fine. I hate feeling "normal", I can not describe the sensations I'm experiencing cause I never felt them before, though I know I hate them. It sucks. I feel shallow. I feel delusional, as if I'm telling myself a fairy tail and living as if I'm in it, even though I know it's nothing but a lie.

this "happiness", this being normal and functional... I can't swallow it. It's like I am wearing a mask, pretending to be someone who I am not. I dont feel like myself, I feel like someone else, someone who's not aware of the fucked up world and reality we are trapped in. I hate it. I don't want to be like this. I might be pretentious but happiness seems to be nothing but a lie. I want to be me, not this pretty fit in version the meds made of me, I don't want to be content, I don't want to be superficial when I'm familiar with reality. I don't want to feel like a toy, an object who just accept the normal pattern as ideal. I hate it.

Am I crazy? Did anyone experience this as well?

I'm sorry I can't describe who I feel more precisely. I think I'm going to quit. I don't want to feel normal, I want to feel alive. At least in pain I know I exist. I know I'm genuine. I know I think. At least in despair I am someone and not just another brick in the wall.

 

[MrBigSad]

I've been on Prozac for months but finally ran out and can't be bothered refilling my prescription. Why is it normal to take those horrible things yet mdma, ketamine and other drugs that help people to feel. Or realise, are illegal? It doesn't make any sense. Nothing makes sense.

There is no emotion I feel right now except some form of empathy for you. I'm glad you feel normal. I know you hate it. We all do. That's why we severed our connection with reality.

 

[dec132013]

Im on the same boat, it feels weird as hell to be okay after all these years. Ig we just aren't used to it.

 

[ecmnesia]

I keep wondering if normal isn't just overestimated... maybe we just have different perspectives/mind from the so called "normal" ones...idk

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It sounds to me like you're getting some benefits, but that the medication is affecting who you are, your sense of self. I wonder if you could try a med adjustment rather than just going off meds completely, and see if there is a baseline you can reach that is still you. I got put on many different meds that fucked with me. The psychotropics were the worst. What ultimately worked for me was trauma-focused work, including EMDR, TAT, EFT, and the mindfulness stuff that is part of TAT and EFT. I don't take meds anymore, and I'm now doing more cognitive-type stuff on my own that had little impact before because it had little to no impact on the trauma.

 

[TooConscious]

Mate I feel the same as you last time I went looking for answers on psclocybin I was locked on to by a predator face mask surrounded by alot of jellyfish minions with smaller heads all looking into me with an unconprehendable feeling of intimidation/ hatred
Luckily I had an IM haloperidol shot to hand for emergencies and took it

That was this morning believe me or not.
I don't know if that was a warning to stop fishing for meaning as I might not like it or it was in my mind or what but I tell you psychedelic realms seem just as real if not more than this one.

 

[primalscream]

I can absolutely understand that feeling of being something other than "you" that you talk about.
I think ultimately, whatever kind of sugar we may try to coat our understanding (of how fucked the world is) with, we're bound to always see it for what it is: sugar. Our minds' taste buds aren't made to filter the bitterness out.

It's really twisted that we're expected to completely dismiss the feeling that something is clearly wrong, that our methods of running the world aren't working, to fit in and be considered "normal". But that's what happens when you aren't seen as a person, but a resource.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

It's the medication. You can feel that your calmness or however they affect you is artificial.
I feel this too

 

[LittleJem]

I had this on Lyrica or something uncomfortable anyway. On the surface I could talk and function better, and underneath it I was horribly depressed. There were two layers of me...it was horrible.

 

[_Kaira_]

I've been plagued by these thoughts for awhile. Just get therapy, keep taking the meds that keep getting increased in dosages. I see the inevitability. That maybe it's hardwired in me to be in this level of despair. Acceptance is all I can do now, that there is no cure for me.

I can't even pretend anymore.

 

[k75]

after years dealing with trauma, depression and anxiety, I finally started medication and therapy. I can sleep now, I'm glad, I don't feel anxious all the time. But I'm not happy, although I should be. The meds are working, and I hate it. I hate to be fine. I hate feeling "normal", I can not describe the sensations I'm experiencing cause I never felt them before, though I know I hate them. It sucks. I feel shallow. I feel delusional, as if I'm telling myself a fairy tail and living as if I'm in it, even though I know it's nothing but a lie.

I think I understand just how you are feeling. I've struggled to describe it in the past. Is this even remotely similar?

I experience this to varying degrees with depression and even suicidal ideation, but I'm going to use anxiety as an example. I'm diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I'm constantly in some level of stress and panic. I stress in my sleep. I'm often at a 9 or 10 before I even get out of bed. There doesn't have to be a trigger. I basically live in fight or flight mode, regardless of actual threat level. As a result, that's my normal, my baseline.

Every once in awhile, I'm mysteriously not stressed out. I'm not anxious. I'm almost calm without meds or doing anything specific. But it feels wrong! It feels dangerous. Feeling good actually makes me start to panic, and I kind of feel like my good emotions are artificial and manufactured. It definitly doesn't feel right. I can get paranoid because it is such an alien feeling. Logically, I understand this is how I'm actually supposed to feel all the time, but I can't enjoy it because I'm too busy waiting for the other shoe to drop. Eventually, the anxiety takes over again, and I feel more like myself. It feels awful, but it's also familiar and I know I'm really ok.

I've only met one therapist who understood what I'm trying to describe. She said because I'm used to feeling one way, not feeling that seems bad because my responses are basically reversed. She said it's possible to "fix," but it's intense therapy work and takes time. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to have her as my therapist and I have no idea what I would have to do. Nobody else I've seen has ever really seemed to understand.

Anyway, something similar is what I imagine is happening to you. If feeling bad is all you know, feeling normal isn't going to be a nice experience and maybe you're going to want to resist it. I don't think that means you really don't want to get better, though. I think it's a lot more complicated. It could be that you have to force yourself to resist the urge to stop and just try to push through until you acclimate to the better feelings. Maybe with time, they'll stop being uncomfortable.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

This is an eye opener! Thank you so much for sharing.

 

[ecmnesia]

I think I understand just how you are feeling. I've struggled to describe it in the past. Is this even remotely similar?

I experience this to varying degrees with depression and even suicidal ideation, but I'm going to use anxiety as an example. I'm diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I'm constantly in some level of stress and panic. I stress in my sleep. I'm often at a 9 or 10 before I even get out of bed. There doesn't have to be a trigger. I basically live in fight or flight mode, regardless of actual threat level. As a result, that's my normal, my baseline.

Every once in awhile, I'm mysteriously not stressed out. I'm not anxious. I'm almost calm without meds or doing anything specific. But it feels wrong! It feels dangerous. Feeling good actually makes me start to panic, and I kind of feel like my good emotions are artificial and manufactured. It definitly doesn't feel right. I can get paranoid because it is such an alien feeling. Logically, I understand this is how I'm actually supposed to feel all the time, but I can't enjoy it because I'm too busy waiting for the other shoe to drop. Eventually, the anxiety takes over again, and I feel more like myself. It feels awful, but it's also familiar and I know I'm really ok.

I've only met one therapist who understood what I'm trying to describe. She said because I'm used to feeling one way, not feeling that seems bad because my responses are basically reversed. She said it's possible to "fix," but it's intense therapy work and takes time. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to have her as my therapist and I have no idea what I would have to do. Nobody else I've seen has ever really seemed to understand.

Anyway, something similar is what I imagine is happening to you. If feeling bad is all you know, feeling normal isn't going to be a nice experience and maybe you're going to want to resist it. I don't think that means you really don't want to get better, though. I think it's a lot more complicated. It could be that you have to force yourself to resist the urge to stop and just try to push through until you acclimate to the better feelings. Maybe with time, they'll stop being uncomfortable.

thanks for sharing. the way you described it... makes sense to me, I can relate. maybe you are right, a although it does not solve things, at least I can start thinking that maybe there is a way out.