im so sorry youre going through this. it makes me so upset and angry at the world that we arent accepted unless we "pass" or look the stereotypical way for either gender, when in reality thats just not possible, even for some cis people. and even then even if you do pass, as soon as someone finds out ur trans they still might decide to be a dick head, its so fucking dumb. im so sorry, i hope you eventually can be comfortable and feel safe to be yourself, however that may be.
Thank you and I am truly sorry if I triggered you or anyone else. I really stand by everything I said, but I'm not actually de-transitioning. I was rather upset the night I typed all this, and although everything else I said was truth, the solution I've come up with isn't really a solution for me and shouldn't be for many other trans. That solution is going to put me in a different state of suffering. I just need to learn to find where I can fit in and ignore negative people. I know trans people are not the only ones to deal with this, but pretty much anyone who does not fit in with societies "norms". I'll continue to suffer while at least being myself and learning to love who I am rather than continuing to act like the opposite, considering this hasn't already worked for me a large portion of my life.
Being openly trans absolutely can suck a lot of the time. The paranoia about who actually supports you, gender dysphoria worsening because you're putting your real self out there, the cruelty, the stares, the insults, being used for sex it's awful and I've experienced all those things as well.
I also once had the doubt that I was brainwashed into thinking all this since being trans is so heavily tied to my mental health issues. But personally, I've found that kind of thinking to be ridiculous. The inner feeling of wanting to be more fem and truly loving and appreciating it was always something I had to fight for. It was such a strong internal motivator it led me to do so many things despite the world around me hating me for it.
The reason being trans is so tied to mental illness isn't because you're just playing pretend or you're brainwashed or that you're sick, it's because people treat us like garbage for being trans, and being treated like garbage makes you feel like garbage.
Despite you saying "but I am a guy and I need to accept it" you also say "I will always be trans." You are a woman, you're not a guy. Like you said, you're surrounded by mean people who question everything you've done and give you regrets and you've also been reading and watching a lot of dumb hateful content. It's making you start to doubt yourself and combined with the pain of the mistreatment of being trans you start to wonder if you'd be better off not being trans at all.
I can't blame you for being sick of all the mistreatment and considering just de-transitioning and being done with all the cruelty but think back to why you decided to transition in the first place despite all the opposition around you. There must've been something strong that led you to do all this. For me, it was the love of feminity, loving dresses, and knowing that being a girl was the only thing that made me feel right. Gender euphoria can be strong too.
I don't know your specific situation, but if you're surrounded by people treating you like crap, and you have trouble making friends, it only makes sense you'd feel awful and want to hide in your room all day. Easier said than done, but the best way to start to feel less awful isn't to hide who you are and "people-please" all of society, you need to find people who will treat you with respect and compassion. Find yourself a friend who accepts you for you, even if it has to be online. Hell, I'll talk to you if you need someone.
You deserve better than to give up who you are just to find people who won't treat you like garbage. I'm sorry you're in so much pain, being trans sucks, but hiding who you are sucks even more.
I am sorry for my late responses as I went to made this post after upset typing and going to bed and partaking in more bad coping mechanisms ugh.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I am in a somewhat better mindset now. I have plenty of online friends, including a group of other trans and queer people to talk to, and I guess I take this for granted. It shows, considering I confided into this forum and not them first, when they've shown nothing but support, YEARS before I even started to transition. I think another problem I have is jealousy, I look at them and think about how pretty or handsome they look, how many friends they have IRL, all the events they go to, and so on. Don't get me wrong, I'm also very happy for them and tell them that nonstop and WANT to hear about their adventures and see what they are doing, but it reminds me more of how alone I feel.
This is also partially my fault, because once again I let paranoia take over. I go to the skatepark a few times a week, or at least try unless I'm having episodes like now where I don't go outside for anything, which lasts months sometimes, but overall I force myself to try to be healthy. Whenever I am there, I am terrified to talk to people, or try to make friends, and whenever I get tired from skating, I sit in a corner alone and stare at my phone although people do talk to me every now and then.
The way people have treated me have gave me severe trust issues. I think the people that do attempt to talk to me are somehow:
1) Being sympathetic
2)Are trying to build a relationship for sex
3)Is trying to confirm mean things about me
I need to work on a lot of inside characteristics, that I don't think gender will change.
Thanks again.
I've been trying to figure out what to say to you. Everything I think of seems cliche. But whatever sometimes they need to be said. If you could wish it to be...would you want to have been born a boy or a girl? If money, time, and other obstacles were not an issue...would you transition? (Unlimited money and time means that you would be able to become the image you see as yourself after transition. Lack of other obstacles means the factors that are outside of ourselves are not a hinderance.) Those are the easy questions. We, transgender persons, have soooo much to overcome. We endure a gauntlet of pain, emotional and physical, just to live/survive. That pain comes from more that the outside world. Mostly, it comes from within. ACCEPTANCE. It needs to come from within. It becomes an armor, fortifying us against the hate, rejection, cruelty and ignorance of the world. The obstacle of acceptance is shame. Shame, fear, and guilt are difficult to work through. And when you think you get through it, you will find that there's more to work on or you have to do it all again. It's a gauntlet. And it seems never ending at first. In some ways it doesn't end. Now some outside obstacles, can be removed, such as social media. This can be critical in the beginning. Abstain from it, if you can, there is so much negativity right now and it is a distraction and it becomes a triggering setback that you will have to work through all over again. People are harder than social media to cut out or limit contact with. But some people can have toxic personalities to us. Some people may never return to our circle of loving, trusted, accepting and supportive persons in our life, but some may. Build a new friend circle. One that hopefully will not have toxic members; its hard and takes time. FRIENDS ARE THE FAMILY WE CHOSE. Okay...sex...hmm. I approach sex this way. I will not be someone else's woke adventure. I am not going to be a one night stand. I am selective of only chosing people I will not regret being with, which means I get to know them, really know them first. Let's put it this way, I am a goddess and I will be treated as such. With respect, because this is what it means to have respect for yourself. RESPECT yourself, take care of your physical health and mental health, SELF-CARE.
Anything I forgot to address or say, someone else fill in what missed.
Every transgender person's journey is their own. You do you. If that means not transitioning/detransitioning then okay, if it makes you happy, ie you can live with that decision.
You're completely right. I kind of touched on me thinking I need to just work on myself, and it's not even gender related in an above reply. I just was upset that night and had thoughts of de-transitioning because that's what people, including an old therapist (Why I refuse to go back to one) told me. I think they are actually trying to brainwash me, and it's almost working some nights. I remember my therapist saying we all have things we sacrifice and need to learn to deal with these things with coping skills. I can't remember the exact example he used, but he compared being trans and making the decision to just hide it to that of a person who needs to make a choice that could be life or death, basically implying that I should sacrifice transitioning to live a happy life.
I easily dropped the therapist, and kept making my own choices, but social media, especially being on the political side of it, has really made me start thinking that he was right. I've had a day or 2 of thinking and basically staying off the internet while I was upset (including this site so sorry for me responding to everything so late) and realized it's other work I need to do, for things such as trust issues, confidence, and paranoia, that gender will never fix, regardless if I transitioned or not. I still do truly think things hurt a lot more now that I am transitioning, but maybe this is simply because I started becoming used to hurting before this, and I just need to let the process continue, to learn how to live with these cruel things.
As for sex, that also goes for the acceptance thing. I know people want to have sex with me because they think trans women are easy and always horny. I do not even enjoy sex anymore, rather I find it quite gross, yet I let many people take advantage, because sadly, this is the only way I've been learning to accept myself. My brain tells me "HEY. That guy really treated you like a lady. You're probably actually a really cute one." This wears off, makes me feel like shit, and an object, and then I repeat for that little feeling of acceptance.
In a way, these breakdowns are helping me become aware to issues I have. I appreciate you, and as you said, although you think things that are said can be cliche, sometimes I really need to be reminded or need someone to say it to me. Much love to you and the others.
