Maybe this solipsism shit is true afterall. Maybe this is only a simulation which purpose it is to torture me. What have I done that I deserve all of this? Child abuse started when I was 5, bullying left scars which will never heal. My life was so far a never ending nightmare. It was a complete horror show.
Though the worst is probably yet to come for me. Damn this scares the shit out of me. There emerge more and more problems and the old ones obviously are not solved. The predicament my family will be in seems to accelerate more and more. My sister lost her job. The financial situation will be in some years extremely dramatic. Maybe I am dead before that happens. I just have to watch how the whole house of cards collapses. I can't do anything about it. I try as hard as I can but it always backfires. If I get another psychosis with this extreme psychosomatic afterwards I gonna kill myself. This is not that unlikely. I am feeling often quite manic and my medication is not working. The approaches of my psychiatrist have not worked so far.
I am so desperate and empty. I try to hide my pain in front of other people. I don't know what I shall do in case this forum is taken down. The pain is so intensive. That my therapist now seems to know about my serious suicidality makes me really sad. He is not responsible for my agony. He tried as good as possible. I really assume he talked with my second therapist who has given up on me. She was convinced that I am an hopeless case who will probably commit suicide. Another therapist has the same opinion. They have given up on me some years ago. Normally I would not have seeked help of another therapist because I am aware that they can't solve my problems. But my dad urged me to seek for another therapist. My desperate case really hurt my current therapist. I feel so sorry for that. I never had the intention to be another nightmare case for just another therapist. I think many therapists were quite upset because my life is such an unfair hell hole.
Currently I am quite in the mood "live short but intensive". I listen to all the artists who died quite young. They did not necessarily committed suicide but many of them had to battle demons. When I had this extreme psychosomatic pain it really felt like hell. I felt an weird heat in my whole body. Maybe this is similar how one would describe hell. If this returns I have to kill myself. I can't endure this insane pain once again.
Maybe this karma shit is true. And I have done something horrible in my prior life. But I could only imagine one thing: I might have committed suicide and now as punishment it is a loop forever.
I try not to think like that. When I was partly religious I often had nightmares that I will go to hell as a punishment for my suicide. These nightmares were really intensive and horrific. Rationally I think most of these religious concepts are probably only superstition. This comforts me. The notion of nothingness comforts me. I don't have much. But this hope that I will return to nothingness one day is very precious. to me. Life is so unfair.
Though the worst is probably yet to come for me. Damn this scares the shit out of me. There emerge more and more problems and the old ones obviously are not solved. The predicament my family will be in seems to accelerate more and more. My sister lost her job. The financial situation will be in some years extremely dramatic. Maybe I am dead before that happens. I just have to watch how the whole house of cards collapses. I can't do anything about it. I try as hard as I can but it always backfires. If I get another psychosis with this extreme psychosomatic afterwards I gonna kill myself. This is not that unlikely. I am feeling often quite manic and my medication is not working. The approaches of my psychiatrist have not worked so far.
I am so desperate and empty. I try to hide my pain in front of other people. I don't know what I shall do in case this forum is taken down. The pain is so intensive. That my therapist now seems to know about my serious suicidality makes me really sad. He is not responsible for my agony. He tried as good as possible. I really assume he talked with my second therapist who has given up on me. She was convinced that I am an hopeless case who will probably commit suicide. Another therapist has the same opinion. They have given up on me some years ago. Normally I would not have seeked help of another therapist because I am aware that they can't solve my problems. But my dad urged me to seek for another therapist. My desperate case really hurt my current therapist. I feel so sorry for that. I never had the intention to be another nightmare case for just another therapist. I think many therapists were quite upset because my life is such an unfair hell hole.
Currently I am quite in the mood "live short but intensive". I listen to all the artists who died quite young. They did not necessarily committed suicide but many of them had to battle demons. When I had this extreme psychosomatic pain it really felt like hell. I felt an weird heat in my whole body. Maybe this is similar how one would describe hell. If this returns I have to kill myself. I can't endure this insane pain once again.
Maybe this karma shit is true. And I have done something horrible in my prior life. But I could only imagine one thing: I might have committed suicide and now as punishment it is a loop forever.
I try not to think like that. When I was partly religious I often had nightmares that I will go to hell as a punishment for my suicide. These nightmares were really intensive and horrific. Rationally I think most of these religious concepts are probably only superstition. This comforts me. The notion of nothingness comforts me. I don't have much. But this hope that I will return to nothingness one day is very precious. to me. Life is so unfair.
