immolation
mensajera de la santa muerte
- Oct 31, 2025
- 19
Im diagnosed with bipolar, so this feeling may just be a mood swing episode, but I'm hoping writing it out will help me feel like this a little longer. Or at the very least give me something to look back on when I'm suicidal again.
I've been planning to ctb on April 19th. I wanted to wait a few months to make sure I really wanted it, and I told myself i would try my best in life in the meantime, so that I might find something I wanted to live for. I decided that if I was still suicidal at that point, I would finally let myself do it. I didn't have much hope, so. I completely gave up on school, and relapsed horribly into substance abuse. It felt like I was just killing time until I had permission to die.
Today I think I found a reason? My relationship with my parents has always been complicated, and it's beyond saving with my mother. But, recently my dad and I have been getting close again, like we were when I was growing up. Today he was telling me stories about his childhood, and I told him I couldn't wait until enough time has passed to tell him about things ive done. And I really meant it.
Since then, ive been thinking about other things in the near future im excited for. I'm excited for this next semester of school. I'm excited for summer this year. I'm excited about the possibility of moving cities soon. Im excited to meet new people and make new friends. I'm excited for my hair to grow out so I can fix my bangs (that sounds small but it's a big deal to me LMAO).
I'm still terrified of the future. I'm still terrified of living long term. But I don't want to die right now, and I think that's an improvement? At the very least it might be a year or two longer before I kill myself
dear god I hope this isn't just a euphoric episode
I've been planning to ctb on April 19th. I wanted to wait a few months to make sure I really wanted it, and I told myself i would try my best in life in the meantime, so that I might find something I wanted to live for. I decided that if I was still suicidal at that point, I would finally let myself do it. I didn't have much hope, so. I completely gave up on school, and relapsed horribly into substance abuse. It felt like I was just killing time until I had permission to die.
Today I think I found a reason? My relationship with my parents has always been complicated, and it's beyond saving with my mother. But, recently my dad and I have been getting close again, like we were when I was growing up. Today he was telling me stories about his childhood, and I told him I couldn't wait until enough time has passed to tell him about things ive done. And I really meant it.
Since then, ive been thinking about other things in the near future im excited for. I'm excited for this next semester of school. I'm excited for summer this year. I'm excited about the possibility of moving cities soon. Im excited to meet new people and make new friends. I'm excited for my hair to grow out so I can fix my bangs (that sounds small but it's a big deal to me LMAO).
I'm still terrified of the future. I'm still terrified of living long term. But I don't want to die right now, and I think that's an improvement? At the very least it might be a year or two longer before I kill myself
dear god I hope this isn't just a euphoric episode
