Help Manipulating the brain into depression

[fruitPeas]

I have been going down a rabbit hole of information around hypnosis being used to inflict trauma, used maliciously, etc today. In my first thread on this site I vented a lot about how I wish I could have a terrible mental disorder so that I can feel valid in my eventual ctb. I have a really hard time processing information like this so please lmk/forgive me if im being insensitive about any of this. I always feel so envious when someone else has worse mental health/more trauma than I do. I have been dreaming lately of feeling hopeless and having no future, a world where the only way out is suicide. Unfortunately for me though, I have great parents and loving siblings and a couple good friends and a promising future (ugh.) and my mental health is annoyingly reflecting that. All I want is to die!! So anyhow I was asking about a user on this forum about an hour ago and was so so very interested to hear that they suffer from a hypnosis injury which is something i have never heard of before. from the response that I got it seems like they are well known, I am pretty new to this forum. I am so sorry i feel so bad for being envious of this but it just seems like such a real and tangible way of achieving my urges of mental self harm? I began writing and reciting some negative affirmations for myself, I am beginning to starve myself and deprive myself of sleep, and I am trying to separate myself from the people I enjoy talking to. I just worry that it won't be enough to push me into the deep end as far as I want it to. I mean like I know depression is largely genetic but there has to be soomething I can do. Also, mega surprise here but I cannot find resources for negative mental health hypnosis fucking anywhere. This seems like such a tiny unconventional subject and I also feel insanely guilty for being jealous of others' trauma but I am so damn curious. Nothing I wouldn't give, does anybody know anything at all about this? I feel like the solution to all of my questions is locked behind a wall made of glass...

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm a bit lost so please correct me if I'm wrong. What I got from your post was the following: you want to die but you're doing well and have everything laid out to have a good future. Yet, you want to inflict chronic pain on yourself because you feel envious of other people that are suffering more than you and you're also curious to suffer more or similar to them. Is this correct?

If it is, why don't you simply try to recover if you have everything there for success and you're already feeling better?

If what I got from your post is correct, it sounds like you're romanticizing pain and suffering and kind of making a mockery of people who would have given so much to have the luck you have.

I hope I understood this wrong as, if I didn't, this post is uncaring and vile.

 

[theolivanderroach]

Why do you want mental self harm? Do you not have enough by being here in the first place? You want more? Genuinely asking.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

If I got you right, you want to die for whatever reasons (maybe masochism) but your motivation isn´t strong enough to overcome your survival instinct. In this situation it is only logical to look for additional reasons to kill oneself, for example depressions, and measurements to built up theses additional reasons. You need something that act against measurements to prevent suicide. Talking someone into suicide would be a psychological approach and depressants the pharmaceutical one. I am sure that such stuff is highly illegal, maybe you will find something in the darknet.

 

[fruitPeas]

I'm a bit lost so please correct me if I'm wrong. What I got from your post was the following: you want to die but you're doing well and have everything laid out to have a good future. Yet, you want to inflict chronic pain on yourself because you feel envious of other people that are suffering more than you and you're also curious to suffer more or similar to them. Is this correct?

If it is, why don't you simply try to recover if you have everything there for success and you're already feeling better?

If what I got from your post is correct, it sounds like you're romanticizing pain and suffering and kind of making a mockery of people who would have given so much to have the luck you have.

I hope I understood this wrong as, if I didn't, this post is uncaring and vile.

i am so sorry i knew it sounded wrong i dont think i got my point very well across, or maybe i did and i'm just horrible for functioning this way, but
To be clear I am mentally ill, I don't know what it is, I thought it was depression for a couple years but it definitely isnt. Some days i will be happy and healthy, appreciate what I have in life, but some days I will not be able to form a thought that isnt self destructive and frequently relapsed after seemingly having no reason to other than my brain said that it was time. This has lead to the loss of most of my friends, I have been gaslighted and lied to, I realized a few months ago that I want to kill myself. It does not come from romanticization. Suicidal ideation isn't a badge. (Suicidal ideation isn't a badge.) I hate the feeling of going back and forth over this edge, some days I will want nothing more than to send my friend my suicide note and die, but other days I will delete all the tabs on my computer along with my note and practice more healthy coping mechanisms. I absolutely hate it. I can never feel valid or satisfied when I do this. It's hard for me to explain, I don't know why I do this. I don't want to go to therapy to get help because all they want is to "fix" me. Especially after something else that happened in my life recently. I am sorry.
I started learning how to make myself pass out by pinching myself in the neck, and I have been doing a lot of research in where to buy my chemicals, I also briefly considered asphyxiation but It's pricy and seems like it takes a while. It's very hard for me to explain why I feel this way. I don't want to be alive. I will never get anywhere like this I feel like I am lying to myself whenever I have a good day. Looking for resources to ruin myself seems so wrong, but I didn't know where else to ask than this forum because it's the only place I know that doesn't have annoying censorship. Please forgive me, I would have deleted the post if I had seen your response sooner, I didn't know if it was even okay to express these feelings on this forum but I know my post and maybe even this entire mindset is entitled and invalid. I am so sorry. it is very hard to put this into words. I have this shitty crayons image in my head of what I want but I'm still not sure if anything I say makes sense. I am sorry
I don't know why I feel envy when I see people with worse mental health than I do. I know it is not out of romanticization (Suicidal ideation isn't a badge.) I know I would rather have that than whatever shitty broken mental illness I have now. I am not a girl on tiktok venting about how they wish they had depression because it would be cute. (Suicidal ideation isn't a badge.) I know I wouldn't feel cute or happy or enthusiastic or anything. I wish I could give myself a date and not delete it from my notes app the next morning. I am sorry I hope this clears shit up at all even a little bit. I think maybe it has to do with seeing people talk about their past trauma as a contributing factor for their ctb. In the sense of, why do I feel the same? What reason could I possibly have for wanting to kill myself? I feel like I need to give myself a one true reason because nobody else did? I am really bad at expressing this kind of thing and I feel terribly guilty for having these thoughts in the first place. But this is what I want and I know I can't hide it or sugar coat it from you. I am sorry. (Suicidal ideation isn't a badge.)

 

[ForgottenAgain]

i am so sorry i knew it sounded wrong i dont think i got my point very well across, or maybe i did and i'm just horrible for functioning this way, but
To be clear I am mentally ill, I don't know what it is, I thought it was depression for a couple years but it definitely isnt. Some days i will be happy and healthy, appreciate what I have in life, but some days I will not be able to form a thought that isnt self destructive and frequently relapsed after seemingly having no reason to other than my brain said that it was time. This has lead to the loss of most of my friends, I have been gaslighted and lied to, I realized a few months ago that I want to kill myself. It does not come from romanticization. Suicidal ideation isn't a badge. (Suicidal ideation isn't a badge.) I hate the feeling of going back and forth over this edge, some days I will want nothing more than to send my friend my suicide note and die, but other days I will delete all the tabs on my computer along with my note and practice more healthy coping mechanisms. I absolutely hate it. I can never feel valid or satisfied when I do this. It's hard for me to explain, I don't know why I do this. I don't want to go to therapy to get help because all they want is to "fix" me. Especially after something else that happened in my life recently. I am sorry.
I started learning how to make myself pass out by pinching myself in the neck, and I have been doing a lot of research in where to buy my chemicals, I also briefly considered asphyxiation but It's pricy and seems like it takes a while. It's very hard for me to explain why I feel this way. I don't want to be alive. I will never get anywhere like this I feel like I am lying to myself whenever I have a good day. Looking for resources to ruin myself seems so wrong, but I didn't know where else to ask than this forum because it's the only place I know that doesn't have annoying censorship. Please forgive me, I would have deleted the post if I had seen your response sooner, I didn't know if it was even okay to express these feelings on this forum but I know my post and maybe even this entire mindset is entitled and invalid. I am so sorry. it is very hard to put this into words. I have this shitty crayons image in my head of what I want but I'm still not sure if anything I say makes sense. I am sorry
I don't know why I feel envy when I see people with worse mental health than I do. I know it is not out of romanticization (Suicidal ideation isn't a badge.) I know I would rather have that than whatever shitty broken mental illness I have now. I am not a girl on tiktok venting about how they wish they had depression because it would be cute. (Suicidal ideation isn't a badge.) I know I wouldn't feel cute or happy or enthusiastic or anything. I wish I could give myself a date and not delete it from my notes app the next morning. I am sorry I hope this clears shit up at all even a little bit. I think maybe it has to do with seeing people talk about their past trauma as a contributing factor for their ctb. In the sense of, why do I feel the same? What reason could I possibly have for wanting to kill myself? I feel like I need to give myself a one true reason because nobody else did? I am really bad at expressing this kind of thing and I feel terribly guilty for having these thoughts in the first place. But this is what I want and I know I can't hide it or sugar coat it from you. I am sorry. (Suicidal ideation isn't a badge.)

I'm sorry you're going through this mental anguish, it does sound like you have a lot of conflicting thoughts. I worry whether ctb may be the right thing for you when you seem very lost, oscillating between getting rid of your suicide note and wanting to face living and then later on going back to suicidal. I know the big majority of us here are not perpetually in a suicidal state, some days may be a bit better and that's normal. It's just that, from reading your text, it seems like your changes in thought are more drastic and short lived and I wouldn't want to see someone ctb and regretting it at the very end. There was a user that went through with it and their last words were that they regretted it. I think about them once in a while.

Thank you for explaining your post, it did help to understand better where you come from. I'm sorry if my comment caused you pain or stress. Reading your comment made me feel like that was the case, especially you mentioning that you would have deleted your post. You are right that there's a ton of censorship elsewhere, I wouldn't want you to delete your post because of my words, I much prefer to have a discussion and understand the other person. So, at least from me, there's no need to delete your post at all and I hope you can feel a bit calmer now.

Regarding what you asked for, I really don't recommend causing yourself more pain...it is really awful to live through it and you don't need more trauma to justify you wanting to ctb. I think there are some people here who want to ctb due to rational reasons, they just don't think life is worth living and that's totally valid, they don't need to put themselves through extra suffering to justify wanting to ctb and neither do you. Obviously it is your life and your choice, but from a stranger online I'd ask you to not inflict further pain on yourself, you don't deserve it, truly.

I guess, as a last one, I'd like to ask, what do you mean when you say "I don't want to go to therapy to get help because all they want is to "fix" me."?
If you want to elaborate of course!

 

[Abbadab]

I don't find what you've written upsetting, but as a heads up it's probably going to trigger some people. Most people here are probably in a position of wishing they felt there was any option other than suicide.

I have a vivid memory of when I was first hospitalized as a teenager and diagnosed with bipolar. Another teen said she hope it didn't offend me, but she was jealous I'd gotten a more serious diagnosis. I wasn't offended and honestly understood her. It felt like my lifetime of suffering and being "the problem" (according to my fucked up parents) up until that point was validated in a substantial way. The relief/validation waned as the years went on, but there is definitely some ongoing catharsis in having a framework to understand my suffering.

The reality is, however, that you don't need a "serious" diagnosis to be suffering dearly and needing lots of support and comfort and empathy.

Is there perhaps a part of you that is hurting but feels like you don't deserve the help/empathy?


EDIT: Oh oops I just read your follow-up. I understand where you're coming from.

 

[hoppybunny]

i am so sorry i knew it sounded wrong i dont think i got my point very well across, or maybe i did and i'm just horrible for functioning this way, but
To be clear I am mentally ill, I don't know what it is, I thought it was depression for a couple years but it definitely isnt. Some days i will be happy and healthy, appreciate what I have in life, but some days I will not be able to form a thought that isnt self destructive and frequently relapsed after seemingly having no reason to other than my brain said that it was time. This has lead to the loss of most of my friends, I have been gaslighted and lied to, I realized a few months ago that I want to kill myself. It does not come from romanticization. Suicidal ideation isn't a badge. (Suicidal ideation isn't a badge.) I hate the feeling of going back and forth over this edge, some days I will want nothing more than to send my friend my suicide note and die, but other days I will delete all the tabs on my computer along with my note and practice more healthy coping mechanisms. I absolutely hate it. I can never feel valid or satisfied when I do this. It's hard for me to explain, I don't know why I do this. I don't want to go to therapy to get help because all they want is to "fix" me. Especially after something else that happened in my life recently. I am sorry.
I started learning how to make myself pass out by pinching myself in the neck, and I have been doing a lot of research in where to buy my chemicals, I also briefly considered asphyxiation but It's pricy and seems like it takes a while. It's very hard for me to explain why I feel this way. I don't want to be alive. I will never get anywhere like this I feel like I am lying to myself whenever I have a good day. Looking for resources to ruin myself seems so wrong, but I didn't know where else to ask than this forum because it's the only place I know that doesn't have annoying censorship. Please forgive me, I would have deleted the post if I had seen your response sooner, I didn't know if it was even okay to express these feelings on this forum but I know my post and maybe even this entire mindset is entitled and invalid. I am so sorry. it is very hard to put this into words. I have this shitty crayons image in my head of what I want but I'm still not sure if anything I say makes sense. I am sorry
I don't know why I feel envy when I see people with worse mental health than I do. I know it is not out of romanticization (Suicidal ideation isn't a badge.) I know I would rather have that than whatever shitty broken mental illness I have now. I am not a girl on tiktok venting about how they wish they had depression because it would be cute. (Suicidal ideation isn't a badge.) I know I wouldn't feel cute or happy or enthusiastic or anything. I wish I could give myself a date and not delete it from my notes app the next morning. I am sorry I hope this clears shit up at all even a little bit. I think maybe it has to do with seeing people talk about their past trauma as a contributing factor for their ctb. In the sense of, why do I feel the same? What reason could I possibly have for wanting to kill myself? I feel like I need to give myself a one true reason because nobody else did? I am really bad at expressing this kind of thing and I feel terribly guilty for having these thoughts in the first place. But this is what I want and I know I can't hide it or sugar coat it from you. I am sorry. (Suicidal ideation isn't a badge.)

I don't think you're wierd at all. I believe i'm pretty similar. I have a more than decent life about 70 % great 30% bad. But me personally I'm not interested in putting in the effort to actually be alive. But i'm also not depressed and hopelessness enough to overcome my survival instinct. So now i just live like a dead person which is gonna fucking backfire the moment i graduate. so some days i genuinely wish my mental health was worse so i can stop pussying out and finally kill myself. I've already come to terms with the fact I won't be killing myself tho. But when i'm old and i ever need assisntance to live then i'll definitely off myself then.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think some people suffeeing with depression are too lethargic and find it too much of a struggle to even get out of bed to be able to kill themselves. Ironically, there are cases where it's only when they've been on antidepressants and have started to feel more energetic that they've had the impetus and clear headedness to be able to research a method, obtain the necessaries and carry it out. So, in some ways, I'd say a person with a more 'normally' functioning brain has an advantage- in actually doing it anyhow.

Yours does sound like a curious case though. Presumably you're not exactly happy if you want to kill yourself. Despite- as you've described it, a more relatively promising life. Could it perhaps be that you are suffering from depression already? I'm not exactly clear on why you want to kill yourself. Obviously, ignore that if that's too personal.