Venting Mandatory SN arrival post

[BrokenAngel8]

My SN has arrived. No suspicion arise, not that I expect any either. Bought from local online marketplace. With this, I already have everything for stat dose. I happen to have everything else but SN laying on my house drug shelf. I have exactly 3x10mg Domperidone, OTC Antacid, my usual painkiller, and leftover Lorazepam as benzo.

I originally plan to ctb on early 2020, but my urge has getting stronger these days so idk if I will go much earlier now that the tickets are on my hands. I would try to at least wait another 2 weeks since I still have a part-time job until Dec 16th. I was planning to go no matter what because I was paid daily but suddenly my boss pay me upfront until the last day of contract which is on 16th. Also somehow I got offered a full time job and still in the middle of recruitment process although I'm not sure I can even holding onto another job without going crazy in a month or two. Really, this all feels like my SI trying to give me the illusion that I still have hope, that my life will gets better, but I know it is all bullshit and I'll keep going back to ground zero. This has happened several times before, and every downfall is much worse each time.

I cry more each day and I'm in so much pain mentally, which also leads to worsen physical illness. My immune system is very weak and suddenly now I am allergic to almost everything and it affect my lungs badly. I keep given stronger drug for my lungs condition, because I grow resistance to the usual. I don't know how long I can hold on, but I know now I can go anytime I want. I'm still looking for buying more domperidone in case I want to do the 48 hour regimen, and also saving enough money to buy a SN purity test kit, but these all are honestly just me trying to buy more time.

I told one friend about my ctb plan altho not in detail, he is still trying to "save" me but also understand that I don't wanna be saved. In the meantime he is a good companion, I am happy to have him around but at the same time I feel sorry for I know my ctb will affect him. Shouldn't tell anyone irl but I cannot help myself. Hope he can recover from the pain I'm gonna cause to him.

I will still be lurking around for a while and I'll make sure I will give update once I decided to moving forward with SN.

 

[realjunes]

Your decision totally of course, but why not accept the full time job, save some money for antiemetics to add to your kit, and maybe you will want to hold off and see what next year brings. A full time job may force your attention on other things, at least for awhile, and you won't know how life will unfold unless you give it a go. If you then decide it is not for you, you will at least have given it a go, have a bit more coin in your pocket and have a more planned approach to the next stage of your life, whatever that becomes. In any case, you have our care and support always, anytime.

 

[BrokenAngel8]

Your decision totally of course, but why not accept the full time job, save some money for antiemetics to add to your kit, and maybe you will want to hold off and see what next year brings. A full time job may force your attention on other things, at least for awhile, and you won't know how life will unfold unless you give it a go. If you then decide it is not for you, you will at least have given it a go, have a bit more coin in your pocket and have a more planned approach to the next stage of your life, whatever that becomes. In any case, you have our care and support always, anytime.

Hi, thanks for the very kind reply. The full time job offer was just an offer for going through an interview, not me applying for it, and after 2 stages of interview I just heard back that they decided not to move forward with me. In short: rejected. The offer was a confusing surprise because I was ready to ctb and suddenly given a sense of hope, altho I am sure even if I got accepted I will just drop it, or cut off, in the matter of months.

I already going through this last year. Got a full time job. Thought I would be better, it would be a nice distraction and give me enough money to have fun in life. It did not. Was nearly jumping if my friend didn't rush to me and save me. Resign the following week.

I have a part time job, just once a week, so I do have a little money to buy the antiemetic. I just haven't try it yet, I want to buy it outside my living area so no one will suspect me. I'm just waiting for my last day of work for this year, slowly erasing my existance from the internet or at least all the suicidal part of it, and I hopefully will ctb in two weeks.

Loneliness is like a void that eating me alive and I'm drown too deep into the abyss. Other reasons like trauma, family trouble, economic struggle etc also adds up, but the loneliness is what pulling the trigger. No friends or family or any fling can aid it and I am unable to bear it any longer.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

You are the best judge of what you can tolerate. Be at peace with the path that you choose.

 

[realjunes]

Broken, thank you for joining all us and for honoring us with your story. It is sad, and disappointing that the rest of us in society have not figured a way to reach out to you, and others in a similar way, to offer you total support and help in anything you need for life's journey.
I l love that you sat down to send us this personal post and hope you will avail yourself of the enormous collective
wisdom in this site.
You have provided us with a new description of loneliness in your last paragraph, I believe members will
be giving your well-stated line a lot of appreciation, as it is very difficult for suffering people to communicate on point as you just did with: Loneliness is like a void that eating me alive and I'm drown too deep into the abyss.
You have taken a major step in determining your own path, by coming to this site.
May I suggest that you spend time collecting knowledge, participating in the forum, posting as you can, and soak up the members' affection, caring, and support for you in any way. You can bounce ideas and questions around and maybe lessen any indecision you have about you, others, and by participating in this forum, and share your experience and thought and ease some of the isolation you feel. Be WITH us, we welcome YOU, the person.
And devote some of your energy into planning step by step your method, to include obtaining what supplies you need, and keeping the supplies well hidden. I know many members who have all they need to find that fact removes a heavy weight, because you then have what you need and it is there, whether you will need it or not.
Planning and preparing are useful activities, and once done, you will feel more comfortable with yourself, and free to open up your mind to any possibilities. But be assured that we all 100% are with you and with each other.

 

[BrokenAngel8]

PREPARATION UPDATE 1: CREATING TIME SLOT

Set my timeline for before christmas. My family, especially my mom, knows all too well that I sometimes needs to be left alone and occasionally lock my self in my room whole day or stays at friend's house. So, I asked my mom if it would be possible to leave me alone in this house for few days while they're going to family relatives once they're off from work before christmas celebration.

My mom is a house tutor and she still has schedule until next week. My sis is in uni and she still has class until 2 weeks from now. My dad however, work for construction project and barely will have any time off before christmas, but actually his office provide staff housing which he never use. Mom said she will try to arrange the time off for when she stays with my sis and asks my dad to stay at the staff housing and leave me alone at home. I asked for 2 days minimum, preferably 3 days.

She is confused, ofc, asked why can't I just stay in my room and no one will disturb me. I said it's different. I want to be alone. Even hearing their voice outside my door is too distracting. Either they empty the house for me for few days or I have to stay in a budget hotel. She then asked why can't I just stay at my friend's house. I said I can't, they all live with their families, and my friends have full time day job, so it won't give me the private space I need to release my emotion and recharge me mentally. This far she buys it. I know it is risky. I also aware this would leave them devastated to get home later finding my corpse. I dont even know if I would have the courage to take the shot even when I am completely alone. But being alone on my own would enable me to do anything I want without distraction, hopefully having fun a little bit around the house before taking the final drink.

Every step carried out towards the actual day feels surreal. I finally will be free of the pain. There is a way out. For me. It would costs everyone else but this is my pain, my suffering, my life, that no one can carry my misery for me. I am sorry for them. But I am helpless.

Carrying around this big secret on my own is a heavy task for me, so I might post every updates here since this is my only safe space. I'll start deleting my suicidal tracks off internet but I'll keep my account here til the very last minutes. Thank you for the endless support, warmth, and love you guys offer. I treasure every single one of you and I wish you peace. Hugs xx

 

[realjunes]

BA8 - As you wrote, it is YOUR pain, your suffering, and your life, and only you can feel the misery you feel. I also agree with you having to carry such a big secret is an extraordinarily heavy task. Perhaps all we can do for you is to support whatever choices you make for yourself and invite you to please post updates and any thoughts you can share with us as we treasure you too. We will be here to talk with you and support you. I will keep you in my thoughts in the days to come.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Your decision totally of course, but why not accept the full time job, save some money for antiemetics to add to your kit, and maybe you will want to hold off and see what next year brings. A full time job may force your attention on other things, at least for awhile, and you won't know how life will unfold unless you give it a go. If you then decide it is not for you, you will at least have given it a go, have a bit more coin in your pocket and have a more planned approach to the next stage of your life, whatever that becomes. In any case, you have our care and support always, anytime.

How are you feeling today?
Shit this was supposed to go to @BrokenAngel8

 

[Strangeasangels]

I feel your pain. I just lost my job Monday after getting totally fucked over by my bosses of over 4 years. I knew it was ending and I hustled to try to find a new job and interviewed extensively with two companies totally expecting one would come through. I ended up getting neither. My friend has been here for a week for Thanksgiving. He leaves today and I am thinking of doing it now. I really tried to be positive and hopeful but i cannot take more rejection. I have been sitting on SN, meto, tagamut and I have a few oxy and lorazapam. Just need to know how to take it and how to determine correct dosez

 

[Daniela]

As a fellow NEET I emphatize but I personally have no choice. They'll call the police if I stay elsewhere overnight.

 

[BrokenAngel8]

How are you feeling today?
Shit this was supposed to go to @BrokenAngel8

Hi, same shit different day for me here. I'm numb most of the time and when I'm not, all I would feel is pain. I didnt feel like eating anything today but I manage to eat some instant ramen and cookies tho. I sleep a lot and I watched some chaotic gameplay on yt, I dont have the energy or the proper pc/console to play something on my own. I sang on top of my lungs but only manage to sing one song, and then lose the energy.

I should've go out but I dont feel like nagging my friends all the time and if I'm going on my own, I would be lost. I would roam somewhere and wouldn't even realize it, as I would experience time skips. That happened long ago and I couldnt guarantee it wont happened again this time because I'm in such a bad mental state, and if that happened, it would make everyone put extra eyes on me and get in the way of my ctb plan. Staying in my room is my safest option now.

Physical wise, it has been few days since my horrible anxiety attack on Friday and it left me with severe chest pain that day. Along with stiff hands and feet, and breathing difficulties lasted for hours. I had prescribed lung meds and I've been taking them regularly since that day, but the pain hasn't go away yet, altho less intense. I'm not planning on going back to my pulmonologist tho. I still have some rashes, blisters, and hives in some spots as well from my allergy despite barely eat anything. Well, I know very well that "stress" is one big bad allergen and so far none of my allergic pills or cream help much.

On top of that I am also fucking lonely even after I reaching out to my friends.

I am sorry this turns out as a long ass vent, but thank you for asking. Oh, and I still need a big fat hugs like, all the time, so thank you for every single hug anyone leave here for me

I feel your pain. I just lost my job Monday after getting totally fucked over by my bosses of over 4 years. I knew it was ending and I hustled to try to find a new job and interviewed extensively with two companies totally expecting one would come through. I ended up getting neither. My friend has been here for a week for Thanksgiving. He leaves today and I am thinking of doing it now. I really tried to be positive and hopeful but i cannot take more rejection. I have been sitting on SN, meto, tagamut and I have a few oxy and lorazapam. Just need to know how to take it and how to determine correct dosez

Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear that... there are a lot of threads on SN method here as it is arguably one of the most popular and preferred by SS community so I hope you can dive in and research thoroughly. It is actually quite straight forward, but sometimes SI makes you question too much only to make you flinch. If I could be selfish here, I would suggest you to hold back a bit and not do that by impulse, plan a bit better and carry out your plan one step at a time but I am nowhere to judge your choices and circumstances. I hope you can make the choices that can lead you to peace, whichever way that might be. My thoughts be with you. Hugs xx

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Hi, same shit different day for me here. I'm numb most of the time and when I'm not, all I would feel is pain. I didnt feel like eating anything today but I manage to eat some instant ramen and cookies tho. I sleep a lot and I watched some chaotic gameplay on yt, I dont have the energy or the proper pc/console to play something on my own. I sang on top of my lungs but only manage to sing one song, and then lose the energy.

I should've go out but I dont feel like nagging my friends all the time and if I'm going on my own, I would be lost. I would roam somewhere and wouldn't even realize it, as I would experience time skips. That happened long ago and I couldnt guarantee it wont happened again this time because I'm in such a bad mental state, and if that happened, it would make everyone put extra eyes on me and get in the way of my ctb plan. Staying in my room is my safest option now.

Physical wise, it has been few days since my horrible anxiety attack on Friday and it left me with severe chest pain that day. Along with stiff hands and feet, and breathing difficulties lasted for hours. I had prescribed lung meds and I've been taking them regularly since that day, but the pain hasn't go away yet, altho less intense. I'm not planning on going back to my pulmonologist tho. I still have some rashes, blisters, and hives in some spots as well from my allergy despite barely eat anything. Well, I know very well that "stress" is one big bad allergen and so far none of my allergic pills or cream help much.

On top of that I am also fucking lonely even after I reaching out to my friends.

I am sorry this turns out as a long ass vent, but thank you for asking. Oh, and I still need a big fat hugs like, all the time, so thank you for every single hug anyone leave here for me

Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear that... there are a lot of threads on SN method here as it is arguably one of the most popular and preferred by SS community so I hope you can dive in and research thoroughly. It is actually quite straight forward, but sometimes SI makes you question too much only to make you flinch. If I could be selfish here, I would suggest you to hold back a bit and not do that by impulse, plan a bit better and carry out your plan one step at a time but I am nowhere to judge your choices and circumstances. I hope you can make the choices that can lead you to peace, whichever way that might be. My thoughts be with you. Hugs xx

I'm sorry for not answering sooner, I was in class. As for your hives, gosh I know how bad they are. I'm allergic to penicillin and my dentist prescribed me some of it by a different name and I didn't realise it. This is what my skin looked like for days. I was SHEDDING In my car and any other car I sat in. It was horrendous. And the anxiety. My gosh the anxiety. I thank God I have xanax for it. I have OCD too so my thoughts are constantly racing with "you're a worthless piece of shit" "why the fuck are you alive" "nobody likes you" "you're so fucking stupid" and the xanax just eases that away and I thank everything for that. I got fired a couple of days ago, I have chronic pain from a knee injury, I have no idea how to pay my bills, I might need to get my gallbladder removed, and I'm failing 2 classes because for the first time, my mental health took effect on my grades. This month has been shit. My whole life actually but this month has been brutal. I totally understand how you feel and I'm so sorry for it. Benadryl did nothing for my rash either. I got shingles at 19 and honestly, I'm surprised they haven't flared up again
As for the friends. Girl enjoy them! I know what it's like to have no energy but even if its just for a few moments, let them embrace you and distract you for a little bit. Have a drink, have a laugh and if you're anything like me, and your thoughts go to "who the hell do you think you are smiling? You dont have the right" ignore the shit out of it. Tell it to gargle ya ball sac. KEEP smiling, keep laughing and enjoy it. You're not gonna annoy your friends by asking to go out. Promise :)

 

[BrokenAngel8]

UNEXPECTED UPDATE: CTB DELAYED FOR NOW

I have decided to delay my ctb altho I dont know for how long I can hold back. There are two reasons behind this:

1. Reconnecting with old friend

I've been posting a lot of happy goofy thing on my socmed because that is how I wanna be remembered. This includes one or two selfies almost everyday. Somehow, one of those selfie prompted a chat with an old friend and shorly turns into wholesome chat. She was in distress, having a rough year, and we both listened to each other and try to comfort each other. I didnt mention anything about my ctb plan, and ironically I was encouraging her on her plan moving forward by saying things like, "you don't have to be in a rush, as long as you're still breathing you would be able to do something for yourself...any baby step is a progress sis. I am sorry to hear all of these, you were one of the brightest student back then and I envy you big time". At some point then she replied,

"I am sorry you are suffering as well, I was so self centered I didnt know you were already suffering since uni. You are also very smart but never sound like a smartass, I genuinely think you were a great leader. I truly wish you would find happiness".

I've heard similar things from my friends but hearing that from her was different. It goes straight to my heart. She acknowledge my suffering as she has been suffering herself. I saw her as someone much smarter, she saw me on par with her. And she wish me happiness. She didnt ask or give suggestion on my problems, she genuinely wish me happiness. Outright saying that. Not wrapped in "you'll be okay.." "you can do this" "hang on". Plenty of people here had told me that and it warms my heart, but hearing that from a friend irl was....unexpected. I cried during that chat, and I feel like postponing my ctb plan a bit futher so she won't link my ctb to our convos and make her feel bad.

2. I'm currently taking some meds

I've been sick for a while and I finally went to the GP. Low blood pressure and fever on top of existing breathing problem. Cannot afford to go to my pulmonologist so I have to follow long procedure of state owned insurance. I have to be treated by GP first before I can go to pulmonologist for free. The GP gave me some meds and if by next week I haven't getting better yet, they will appointed me to lung specialist.

With these meds in my system, I would have to check a lot of drug interaction and re-do research on my SN method if I wish to proceed now. I want to be drug free during my regimen/stat dose SN ctb and do it the way everyone doing it to increase the success rate, so I think I'll wait at least until my sickness improved a bit.

I don't feel like making a seperate thread and keep every updates here, thank you for being here and show some empathy and offer comforts for another online stranger suffering in pain like me. Hugs xx

 

[BrokenAngel8]

Update: CTB thoughts is going back. Strong.

I've been going back here for few days because I am already back in distress. Somewhere near the end of 2019, I got a modeling job by dye-ing my hair pink for their yearly hair catalogue. I also managed to give my mom a good bday celebration on early Jan. However, my teaching part-time job haven't started yet for this semester, and I have no income, so I am shortly drowned in debts.

There are also another job opportunities coming, but I couldnt bring myself to the interview and keep having anxiety attack for days. I still am. I was nearly having a total mental breakdown -big cry and shouting due to sudden emotion explosion- in public, but I can hold that to bare minimum and despite shaking and mind goes blank the whole time, I managed to find my way back home.

I haven't checked my SN condition. It is still sealed just like how I received my package, with the postal sticker etc. I am thinking of doing it tonight.

There is this one guy I've been chatting with for good while everyday, and I am starting to grow feelings for him, but I dont think he saw me that way. Moreover, one of the big triggers beside money and job related issues is that I accidentaly saw a post from someone I knew back in uni, hanging around with a guy in which face was covered by sticker. But from hair, clothes, and figure, I highly suspect it was my ex. Apparantly I still unable to process that at all. It broke my heart all over again.

My friends, my closest friends, are a bit tired and clueless on how to help me. They don't despise me, but they are genuinely dont know how to help me because I still an emotional wreck despite them trying to spend times hanging out with me and offer me sleepover at theirs. I am still very thankful of them, but it also makes me think, they would be in a much better place if I just gone and stop being such a burden.

I am still on my period. My hormones during these time would make my mood swings big time, but with added stressor this time, it is unbearable. I wanted to wait few days more in case I feel better and will be able to...idk, re-plan my life, but I am already so fucking tired. So fucking tired....

I haven't ate anything today, just some small snacks 6 hours ago and nothing else, so I can proceed with statdose in few hours from now.

I will update here if I do gain the courage to ctb tonight and voluntarily deact my account. If that happen. Idk. SI is a bitch.

Not sure if anyone would read, but if you do, thanks for sticking around. No where else I can get these out of my chest but here. Hugs and peace for all of you.

 

[BrokenAngel8]

Update 1: done writing down all debts details, all PIN and passwords, and all work relatives that my family might have to give notice to when I'm no longer here. Coming here to re-check the time stamps and order of meds to take before SN drink. It ain't happening yet, but this might be it.

 

[shadowchaser]

I'm so sorry it has come to this. I understand your pain but if you feel any doubt I hope you know that there is absolutely no rush in doing anything this moment. I wish you peace whatever you decide