Venting Managing the pain

[Ava]

I engage in self harm. The pain creates a high feeling that takes away from the emotional pain.

I usually cut, starve, or burn myself. I dont know if anyone else has experienced this but its like no amount of cutting or burning now will ease my pain. My only thought is ctb I don't want 2 be here anymore.

Im scarred up .. stomach has 2nd degree burns and nothing eases the pain inside. I wish some1 would help me ctb. Im just 2 drained and weak cant function.. just wish some1 would kill me already

 

[myopybyproxy]

yep, i know what you mean. you get a sort of rush from it. for a moment i sometimes even feel euphoric. unfortunately it fades in seconds. after enough time nothing will help. i can cut until im covered in blood and feel nothing. that feeling is the worst. when even 5-10 seconds of good are out of reach.

its at that point that i seek other means of forcing my brain to release some dopamine. usually food. i have an eating disorder too but for me restriction is correlated with hope. which is why ive never managed to keep any weight off. once the food stops working i go with drugs or try cutting again to see if it works.

drugs are peculiar because unless they raise my libido to where my entire consciousness is occupied with sex or sedate my mind to where i am hypnogogic, then i am just topsy turvy and still feeling everything i felt before, but with paranoia that i will be caught or have a psychotic break or cause permanent neurotoxicity from hyperthermia etc etc.

when nothing works anymore - it happens more and more often now - i tend to go semi-catatonic or dissociate, not sure how to call it where im very slow and numb. and i plan and research. but until i have everything sorted, i keep hopping from one thing to the next, desperately hoping to wring a tiny drop of dopamine to tide me over til i can finally be done with all this bullshit for good.

 

[visiblyinvisible]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I've actually never really hurt myself, I can't act impulsively at all. Even though I might not understand your physical pain, I do understand the emotional. It's very hard to get someone to kill you, it's a risky commitment. But there are ways you can get help here. I'm kind of new, but if you need to talk or anything, I could try to help

 

[Ava]

yep, i know what you mean. you get a sort of rush from it. for a moment i sometimes even feel euphoric. unfortunately it fades in seconds. after enough time nothing will help. i can cut until im covered in blood and feel nothing. that feeling is the worst. when even 5-10 seconds of good are out of reach.

its at that point that i seek other means of forcing my brain to release some dopamine. usually food. i have an eating disorder too but for me restriction is correlated with hope. which is why ive never managed to keep any weight off. once the food stops working i go with drugs or try cutting again to see if it works.

drugs are peculiar because unless they raise my libido to where my entire consciousness is occupied with sex or sedate my mind to where i am hypnogogic, then i am just topsy turvy and still feeling everything i felt before, but with paranoia that i will be caught or have a psychotic break or cause permanent neurotoxicity from hyperthermia etc etc.

when nothing works anymore - it happens more and more often now - i tend to go semi-catatonic or dissociate, not sure how to call it where im very slow and numb. and i plan and research. but until i have everything sorted, i keep hopping from one thing to the next, desperately hoping to wring a tiny drop of dopamine to tide me over til i can finally be done with all this bullshit for good.

Wow ty for sharing that .. it means more than I can say to read this. It was a secretive thing until this last therapy .. but this therapist was different he didn't get mad, chide me, blow up say how could you do that instead he looked at my bloody arms and said I see you're really in a lot of pain inside.. I didn't know I needed to hear that until that moment. But his gone now the only 1 I ever trusted to be honest with. Reading your post gave me that same feeling.. you understand and I needed that.. everyone that sees the scars or blood gets angry and they yell stop it.. when they do that I feel unheard unseen.

I do the same thing I cycle back and forth with drugs, sex, self harm.. I will even walk a dark highway with no lights no sidewalk on the side.. feeling cars semis woosh by missing me by an inch or two.. never flinching .. anything to numb .. I too go catatonic and dissociate..ty Myop for understanding, sharing.. hearing and seeing me

I'm so sorry to hear that. I've actually never really hurt myself, I can't act impulsively at all. Even though I might not understand your physical pain, I do understand the emotional. It's very hard to get someone to kill you, it's a risky commitment. But there are ways you can get help here. I'm kind of new, but if you need to talk or anything, I could try to help

Thank you I appreciate that

 

[Crocodiledundee]

Aww, sending hugs

 

[Midgardsorm]

I engage in self harm. The pain creates a high feeling that takes away from the emotional pain.

I usually cut, starve, or burn myself. I dont know if anyone else has experienced this but its like no amount of cutting or burning now will ease my pain. My only thought is ctb I don't want 2 be here anymore.

Im scarred up .. stomach has 2nd degree burns and nothing eases the pain inside. I wish some1 would help me ctb. Im just 2 drained and weak cant function.. just wish some1 would kill me already

There is a thread made by a user named Soulless Angel for people that self harms

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/self-harm-thread.57547/

You can find like minded people there and probably support for this.

I self harmed sometimes but I never managed to get the good effects of it, unfortunately.

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally do not self harm but I know that it can help many people cope with the pain this life gives them. I'm sorry that you are going through this, I understand that it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best.