making peace with suicide

[tiredplant777]

I guess I just wanted to share a process I went through recently. This past week I realized how much shame I have about being suicidal. Because of my abuse I often would only recognize when I felt shame in it's more extreme forms. Other less extreme forms of shame weren't apparent to me until very recently. But talking it over and feeling accepted here I realized I carry an immense shame about this. I sat with myself and really let myself accept that I will die, that I don't fear dying, and that it may happen that I may die by suicide, and that is ok. Everyone dies in different ways, and this may be how I die. There always felt like this immense pressure to keep living, but looking at the world I question to myself, why? I have certain basic needs met, but without my parents I wouldn't have anyone. I have friends, but they can't replace family, and as someone who is chronically single, I may be in a situation where I really am alone. I am 32 now, and I have been struggling with feeling suicidal on and off for a long long time. Being in my 30's and still struggling has really impacted me, since when I was younger I often thought there would be a point where I would grow out of suffering.

I also felt a lot of shame because I was abused by someone who wanted to, and tried to, kill me. I kept miraculously surviving everything, but this person is a serial killer, and I don't know who else got to survive... and I know a lot didn't, which has been so heavy to carry (so heavy). This experience led me to have a lot of survivor's guilt. Like if I kill myself it's giving my abuser power, and letting down his victims who didn't get to survive what I did. But I realized that no matter what, my abuser does not win. In fact, me committing suicide would only ever be partly from the abuse. There are actually far more factors at play, like the way I feel so isolated in the world, so tired of others not respecting what I have been through, the collectively lack of empathy. My abuser was in a ritual abuse cult since his childhood, he didn't just want to kill me, he wanted to break my spirit to the point where I would be corrupted and evil like him. This is never going to happen, and this spiritual and moral survival is beyond my physical life here.

I also was ashamed because I was scared suicide was spiritually wrong. I was ashamed because I have had many spiritual experiences and it felt like I was disregarding those experiences and somehow letting God/creator/source down or something. There is actually so much against suicide where ever I turn, and it got to me. But now I see it differently - I do not deserve to suffer. I do not deserve that. I am here now alive because my parents also do not deserve to suffer, I just can't make them go through losing a child. I am so committed to make sure my parents don't have to suffer, so I am trying to figure out how to live my life long enough for them to live theirs, and hopefully find a way to lessen the suffering I experience. But it is such a relief to know that if I commit suicide, it's ok. It is what it is, and I have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[v1car10us]

your last sentence resonates. it's better not to fear what could happen, but hand in hand you must remember to communicate with yourself and your spirit. ask yourself, "am i ready to go?" rather than "when can i go." i believe that suicide is a process like love, where all these different factors give all these different feelings off, it can feel so jumbled and overwhelming, just considering it. but this also comes with an opportunity for self growth. you mentioned it felt like killing yourself would give your abuser power, maybe you feel like an unfinished job in this aspect, but think to yourself; would you let someone as vile as that manipulate your thoughts? if the answer is yes, that's okay. like i mentioned, it is just something to focus on improving, step by step. once you finish getting over that, you can work on the next think. it will be hard, but it will be worth it. i believe if you give your time brain to polish it will surely shine bright. safe travels, take care! you are not alone <3

 

[SOL3HIRO]

Wow you've been through so much. I'm so glad that you've reached a conclusion that lessens the stress you're going through. I agree with v1car10us that it's okay if you believe it's time for you to go. As long as you make the decision yourself and are sure then you have the right to make the decision. If you ever feel like people are against you then you have us on SS to be on your side to allow you to make your own decisions. I hope all the best for you and you seem like an amazing person. <3

 

[Bruces]

Before I feared it now I simply embrace it

 

[v1car10us]

Before I feared it now I simply embrace it

comforting, knowing there's always an alternative. anytime

 

[summers]

@tiredplant777 If you're abuser is legit a serial killer, and in the US, point me their way. There's a reason I chose the avatar I did :)

 

[tiredplant777]

your last sentence resonates. it's better not to fear what could happen, but hand in hand you must remember to communicate with yourself and your spirit. ask yourself, "am i ready to go?" rather than "when can i go." i believe that suicide is a process like love, where all these different factors give all these different feelings off, it can feel so jumbled and overwhelming, just considering it. but this also comes with an opportunity for self growth. you mentioned it felt like killing yourself would give your abuser power, maybe you feel like an unfinished job in this aspect, but think to yourself; would you let someone as vile as that manipulate your thoughts? if the answer is yes, that's okay. like i mentioned, it is just something to focus on improving, step by step. once you finish getting over that, you can work on the next think. it will be hard, but it will be worth it. i believe if you give your time brain to polish it will surely shine bright. safe travels, take care! you are not alone <3

Thank you so much <3 That makes a lot of sense suicide being a process like love. Thank you for your kind words.

Wow you've been through so much. I'm so glad that you've reached a conclusion that lessens the stress you're going through. I agree with v1car10us that it's okay if you believe it's time for you to go. As long as you make the decision yourself and are sure then you have the right to make the decision. If you ever feel like people are against you then you have us on SS to be on your side to allow you to make your own decisions. I hope all the best for you and you seem like an amazing person. <3

Thank you so much. I hope the best for you too, I hope we can all have the peace we deserve.

Before I feared it now I simply embrace it

Yes I think I am here now. It is a relief.

@tiredplant777 If you're abuser is legit a serial killer, and in the US, point me their way. There's a reason I chose the avatar I did :)

Ah not in the U.S. but I get it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I am at complete peace with suicide. To me, it is preventing decades of suffering and it is freedom from this life. I'm sorry you have been through all that and it must be a relief to be at peace with it all, I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[tiredplant777]

I am at complete peace with suicide. To me, it is preventing decades of suffering and it is freedom from this life. I'm sorry you have been through all that and it must be a relief to be at peace with it all, I hope you find what you are looking for.

Thank you so much for saying this. I am glad you are at peace with it also. I hope you can find what you're looking for too.