ok, this gonna be a long one
I am 26 years old and have been diagnosed for a decade now with depression, generalized anxiety and BPD and I am writing this to communicate for the first time my problems and my reasons why I am tired of living. since my childhood i have developed a trauma with the abandonment of important figures, first it was my father when i was four years old, who was unfaithful to my mother and abandoned us, but he still saw me once a week, he was a very violent father, he sexually abused my mother and psychologically abused me, i have always been a fragile and clumsy person for sports, which frustrated and embarrassed my father, to the point that in my childhood he denied that i was his son. My mother, on the other hand, having been a young mother, had me when she was only 21 years old, in the first 12 years of my childhood she was rather absent, from time to time she was at home and on weekends she would go out partying and from time to time she would return home with a man. I cut ties with my father when I was 16 years old after he made an allusion to a partner of mine at that time that if I had already performed anal sex on him or I was a faggot. my first suicide attempt was when i was 17 years old, with chemicals, i left high school without completing it and was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward, i managed to overcome that and finished my studies, i worked for a couple of years and went to college, but those teenage years were very difficult, I had no real friends and at school I was abused, my two relationships of that time left me, the first one was never satisfied with my physical appearance and was unfaithful, the second one kept me as a sentimental toy for a few years of sporadic relationship and we were separated by ill-intentioned outsiders.
with all these difficult situations I moved to the capital of my country, living with my paternal family sleeping on the floor without the right to a mattress for a year, until I found a place to live and study. in what has been the time since 2024 until now I lost that home, and my depression and BPD have only gotten worse, although I am in treatment with the maximum doses of escitalopram and bupredol my mind is exhausted and most importantly, my heart is exhausted.
in the year 2023 i met a woman who would be my first real and significant partner, we started a relationship in which i made many mistakes due to my inexperience in relating with other people, at the beginning of the relationship i was irritated by her way of being and i complained behind her back to some friends when we had fights or when she was very attentional, and i also consumed pornography when i was with her, something that when she discovered it caused her much anguish and almost finished me at that moment. I should mention that this person has also gone through depression and is BPD diagnosed, so I thought she would understand me.
despite of those problems we continued the relationship for the whole of 2024 and a few months ago a turning point occurred, I spent the whole year living again with my paternal grandmother who has dementia and is not a good person, not a good person at all, I lived in a very small room where there was barely room for a bed and there was no sunlight, no air intake, no heating in the winter. I clearly could not take my partner to have our quality time there, so we went to motels or to his house on the sly, because his mother still did not accept our relationship.
but when the situation with my grandmother became untenable was when she started to treat my partner as a whore and a slut, so i took my things and went back to my home region with a lot of regret, about 500km away from the capital leaving my partner behind, but we agreed to stay like this until march 2025 when i would return to the city in a new house.
that did not happen, 2 weeks ago she told me that she wanted to break up with me, the reasons were that in reality she has not forgiven me for the pornography and insecurities and for having complained behind her back and according to her she no longer loves me, I have been very bad, in these two weeks I have traveled to the capital to see her and we have gone out together, she has kissed me and told me that she loves me, but that we will not be a couple and we have also played and watched movies together, so that after a psychological session she would take back the security of not wanting anything with me and blocking me from everything, I have been in bed all January, I have been in bed all January, crying, feeling useless, my depression and non-verbal attitude caused my mother to end her love relationship of four years and now she also has nowhere to live in the capital, my grandparents are collapsed with me and this person who was my partner treats me very coldly, I know it may sound pathetic but throughout my life many people have told me that they are inspired by me to move forward, that I have had a difficult life and I am still here, but no one helps me, no one looks at me, no one listens to me, when I am at my worst moment everyone tells me that it will pass, but it will not.
I have a lot of anger that I have battled all my life against the terrible urges of feeling that I only make the lives of those around me worse, but that people promise me things like they will be there for me or that life is worth living, but when I am at my worst, everyone turns their back on me, no one really wants to relate to a person with a strong BPD, even if they swear to love you and I can no longer go on with the feeling of guilt, frustration and hate, I can't see a better future, I can't see a better life. I have been thinking about suicide for 4 years now and now I am finally making peace with myself and with death to face that path, I am scared to die, the times I have been about to do it the fear of taking that leap is what stops me, but I can no longer see a hope.
This forum has been a pleasant discovery, to know that out there there are more people who suffer the burden of living and who understand what it is to wish for death, the inability to keep walking even though everyone tells you to do it, and above all the immense pain of being abandoned repeatedly by those you love the most.
I am 26 years old and have been diagnosed for a decade now with depression, generalized anxiety and BPD and I am writing this to communicate for the first time my problems and my reasons why I am tired of living. since my childhood i have developed a trauma with the abandonment of important figures, first it was my father when i was four years old, who was unfaithful to my mother and abandoned us, but he still saw me once a week, he was a very violent father, he sexually abused my mother and psychologically abused me, i have always been a fragile and clumsy person for sports, which frustrated and embarrassed my father, to the point that in my childhood he denied that i was his son. My mother, on the other hand, having been a young mother, had me when she was only 21 years old, in the first 12 years of my childhood she was rather absent, from time to time she was at home and on weekends she would go out partying and from time to time she would return home with a man. I cut ties with my father when I was 16 years old after he made an allusion to a partner of mine at that time that if I had already performed anal sex on him or I was a faggot. my first suicide attempt was when i was 17 years old, with chemicals, i left high school without completing it and was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward, i managed to overcome that and finished my studies, i worked for a couple of years and went to college, but those teenage years were very difficult, I had no real friends and at school I was abused, my two relationships of that time left me, the first one was never satisfied with my physical appearance and was unfaithful, the second one kept me as a sentimental toy for a few years of sporadic relationship and we were separated by ill-intentioned outsiders.
with all these difficult situations I moved to the capital of my country, living with my paternal family sleeping on the floor without the right to a mattress for a year, until I found a place to live and study. in what has been the time since 2024 until now I lost that home, and my depression and BPD have only gotten worse, although I am in treatment with the maximum doses of escitalopram and bupredol my mind is exhausted and most importantly, my heart is exhausted.
in the year 2023 i met a woman who would be my first real and significant partner, we started a relationship in which i made many mistakes due to my inexperience in relating with other people, at the beginning of the relationship i was irritated by her way of being and i complained behind her back to some friends when we had fights or when she was very attentional, and i also consumed pornography when i was with her, something that when she discovered it caused her much anguish and almost finished me at that moment. I should mention that this person has also gone through depression and is BPD diagnosed, so I thought she would understand me.
despite of those problems we continued the relationship for the whole of 2024 and a few months ago a turning point occurred, I spent the whole year living again with my paternal grandmother who has dementia and is not a good person, not a good person at all, I lived in a very small room where there was barely room for a bed and there was no sunlight, no air intake, no heating in the winter. I clearly could not take my partner to have our quality time there, so we went to motels or to his house on the sly, because his mother still did not accept our relationship.
but when the situation with my grandmother became untenable was when she started to treat my partner as a whore and a slut, so i took my things and went back to my home region with a lot of regret, about 500km away from the capital leaving my partner behind, but we agreed to stay like this until march 2025 when i would return to the city in a new house.
that did not happen, 2 weeks ago she told me that she wanted to break up with me, the reasons were that in reality she has not forgiven me for the pornography and insecurities and for having complained behind her back and according to her she no longer loves me, I have been very bad, in these two weeks I have traveled to the capital to see her and we have gone out together, she has kissed me and told me that she loves me, but that we will not be a couple and we have also played and watched movies together, so that after a psychological session she would take back the security of not wanting anything with me and blocking me from everything, I have been in bed all January, I have been in bed all January, crying, feeling useless, my depression and non-verbal attitude caused my mother to end her love relationship of four years and now she also has nowhere to live in the capital, my grandparents are collapsed with me and this person who was my partner treats me very coldly, I know it may sound pathetic but throughout my life many people have told me that they are inspired by me to move forward, that I have had a difficult life and I am still here, but no one helps me, no one looks at me, no one listens to me, when I am at my worst moment everyone tells me that it will pass, but it will not.
I have a lot of anger that I have battled all my life against the terrible urges of feeling that I only make the lives of those around me worse, but that people promise me things like they will be there for me or that life is worth living, but when I am at my worst, everyone turns their back on me, no one really wants to relate to a person with a strong BPD, even if they swear to love you and I can no longer go on with the feeling of guilt, frustration and hate, I can't see a better future, I can't see a better life. I have been thinking about suicide for 4 years now and now I am finally making peace with myself and with death to face that path, I am scared to die, the times I have been about to do it the fear of taking that leap is what stops me, but I can no longer see a hope.
This forum has been a pleasant discovery, to know that out there there are more people who suffer the burden of living and who understand what it is to wish for death, the inability to keep walking even though everyone tells you to do it, and above all the immense pain of being abandoned repeatedly by those you love the most.
