Making My Exit

[lemonandcapers]

Lately, there has been an itch in my brain stem that can only be scratched with bullets, so I have decided to, once again, commit to my plan of CTB on New Year's Eve (though, it may take longer than that).

Frankly, I am terrified of messing up and making life worse for myself, but the sheer misery of existence will always triumph over that.

My plan is to somehow get my hands on a shotgun, train myself how to use it (very important, cannot mess this up and end up a veggie), and make my exit that way. I have emetophobia and would probably make it worse if I failed an OD method of any kind, so I'm sticking with this.

I will edit this post with more information as I gather it (specifics, what not).

If any one has suggestions for me or has an alternative method, feel free to reply to this thread.

 

[Tautochrome]

Going out with a bang? Everything will go well, I hope. Good luck.

 

[Shiitake]

Lately, there has been an itch in my brain stem that can only be scratched with bullets, so I have decided to, once again, commit to my plan of CTB on New Year's Eve (though, it may take longer than that).

Frankly, I am terrified of messing up and making life worse for myself, but the sheer misery of existence will always triumph over that.

My plan is to somehow get my hands on a shotgun, train myself how to use it (very important, cannot mess this up and end up a veggie), and make my exit that way. I have emetophobia and would probably make it worse if I failed an OD method of any kind, so I'm sticking with this.

I will edit this post with more information as I gather it (specifics, what not).

If any one has suggestions for me or has an alternative method, feel free to reply to this thread.

lol. first sentence made me laugh

 

[RadioRamen]

What's pushing you to ctb? If you're willing to discuss here .

 

[lemonandcapers]

What's pushing you to ctb? If you're willing to discuss here .

A TL;DR version of it: physical/mental disabilities, abusive home environment, and the unstable situation in the United States.

Further explanations:

1. Physical/mental disabilities. I have diagnosed autism, OCD, PTSD, and SLE (lupus). All four are incredibly socially isolating and taxing. The lupus is probably the worse since it suppresses my immune system and causes me fatigue and brain fog. I have to wear an N95 mask to protect myself from getting sick, and I am almost completely socially isolated from my college peers because of it. I have had a man film me in public because of my mask. It prevents me from unnecessary suffering (I could not walk and broke out in severe hives the last time I got sick with COVID), but it is awful. It puts a lot of things off the table such as being in a relationship.

2. Abusive home environment. I am a college student without a job (and can't get a lot of jobs due to being disabled), so my parents support me financially through college. My housing and college tuition are paid for by them as well as any other expenses. However, it's because of them I am stuck in a dead end career path I don't want to be in. They are quite emotionally and financially abusive and have had a history of physical abuse towards me (it caused the PTSD). Before I got sick, I tried to get out of their house and failed. Now, I am unable to do it because of doctors visits. Lupus impacts almost every part of the body, so I have a variety of specialists I have to see, and without insurance, it would cost hundreds of dollars per visit to get medical care.

3. Unstable United States situation. Shit is going south fast in the United States. A lot of people, not just myself, are going through financial hardship and are suffering under the hands of the government. I would consider myself a leftist politically, and I have tried to use the energy I have to be involved politically and provide resources for others, but 1. There is only so much my individual actions can do when the problem is systemic, and 2. A lot of leftists are insufferable as shit and make even thinking about politics feel like nails on a chalkboard. It makes me not feel great about the future of the country and who I will have to work with to survive. OCD makes political involvement a living hell too because I am constantly checking myself to see if I am doing things perfectly, and I criticize myself for not being "morally pure" enough.

I had reasons to continue living such as my autism special interest (which got me through my first round of SI that brought me here), friends I have, my activism work, and the impact I will have on others if I leave. However, none of this feels fulfilling anymore. It certainly does not overshadow the emotions I feel in other aspects of my life.

lol. first sentence made me laugh

Haha I am glad you find it funny! I have seen people say similar things in different contexts, and it feels like it describes what I am going through. Sometimes, I feel this almost primal urge to CTB that interferes with my daily functioning. It's all I can think about. So, I thought the line would be a fitting way to start the post lol

 

[RadioRamen]

A TL;DR version of it: physical/mental disabilities, abusive home environment, and the unstable situation in the United States.

Further explanations:

1. Physical/mental disabilities. I have diagnosed autism, OCD, PTSD, and SLE (lupus). All four are incredibly socially isolating and taxing. The lupus is probably the worse since it suppresses my immune system and causes me fatigue and brain fog. I have to wear an N95 mask to protect myself from getting sick, and I am almost completely socially isolated from my college peers because of it. I have had a man film me in public because of my mask. It prevents me from unnecessary suffering (I could not walk and broke out in severe hives the last time I got sick with COVID), but it is awful. It puts a lot of things off the table such as being in a relationship.

2. Abusive home environment. I am a college student without a job (and can't get a lot of jobs due to being disabled), so my parents support me financially through college. My housing and college tuition are paid for by them as well as any other expenses. However, it's because of them I am stuck in a dead end career path I don't want to be in. They are quite emotionally and financially abusive and have had a history of physical abuse towards me (it caused the PTSD). Before I got sick, I tried to get out of their house and failed. Now, I am unable to do it because of doctors visits. Lupus impacts almost every part of the body, so I have a variety of specialists I have to see, and without insurance, it would cost hundreds of dollars per visit to get medical care.

3. Unstable United States situation. Shit is going south fast in the United States. A lot of people, not just myself, are going through financial hardship and are suffering under the hands of the government. I would consider myself a leftist politically, and I have tried to use the energy I have to be involved politically and provide resources for others, but 1. There is only so much my individual actions can do when the problem is systemic, and 2. A lot of leftists are insufferable as shit and make even thinking about politics feel like nails on a chalkboard. It makes me not feel great about the future of the country and who I will have to work with to survive. OCD makes political involvement a living hell too because I am constantly checking myself to see if I am doing things perfectly, and I criticize myself for not being "morally pure" enough.

I had reasons to continue living such as my autism special interest (which got me through my first round of SI that brought me here), friends I have, my activism work, and the impact I will have on others if I leave. However, none of this feels fulfilling anymore. It certainly does not overshadow the emotions I feel in other aspects of my life.

Haha I am glad you find it funny! I have seen people say similar things in different contexts, and it feels like it describes what I am going through. Sometimes, I feel this almost primal urge to CTB that interferes with my daily functioning. It's all I can think about. So, I thought the line would be a fitting way to start the post lol

That is a lot of hardships to feel burdened with . I too live on the states and watching it burn even more because now corpos can just do what they want out in the open , proving the laws are for the poor not the wealthy just erodes away at you . I've never been one that got hung up on face to face social activities so unsure if this would work for you as well but what about chat groups or common interest disords ? Would that be something to help with that missing piece you look for ? What are your parents forcing you into career wise ? And why do you see it as a dead end ?

 

[lemonandcapers]

That is a lot of hardships to feel burdened with . I too live on the states and watching it burn even more because now corpos can just do what they want out in the open , proving the laws are for the poor not the wealthy just erodes away at you . I've never been one that got hung up on face to face social activities so unsure if this would work for you as well but what about chat groups or common interest disords ? Would that be something to help with that missing piece you look for ? What are your parents forcing you into career wise ? And why do you see it as a dead end ?

I have tried Discord and have some online acquaintances, but it is definitely not the same.

Also, I was forced into the computer science field, and it's a dead end because there are so few job openings, and the ones that are open require rigorous preparation (there are certain languages and tools you learn JUST for interviews). You're not even guaranteed a job at the end of it. My sister applied to hundreds of jobs and only got accepted to one which was not even what she wanted to do.

 

[RadioRamen]

I have tried Discord and have some online acquaintances, but it is definitely not the same.

Also, I was forced into the computer science field, and it's a dead end because there are so few job openings, and the ones that are open require rigorous preparation (there are certain languages and tools you learn JUST for interviews). You're not even guaranteed a job at the end of it. My sister applied to hundreds of jobs and only got accepted to one which was not even what she wanted to do.

I don't believe most people use their degree in the end . My father had bachelor in psych but ended up a liquor salesman , he lucked out and was successful in it . But obviously I'm didn't need his degree to get there . Even if you finish and get your degree doesn't necessarily mean your future jobs are locked in stone , yeah the tech field is very competitive and takes constant work to keep up with it but if it's not for you a degree will still open other doors regardless of your focus or major . Yet to still be forced to compete something you have no passion for can be a burden none the less , that feeling of just going through the struggles and motions because it feels like the thing to do rather the thing you want to do . I hope you can find your peace my friend .

 

[lemonandcapers]

Lately, there has been an itch in my brain stem that can only be scratched with bullets, so I have decided to, once again, commit to my plan of CTB on New Year's Eve (though, it may take longer than that).

Frankly, I am terrified of messing up and making life worse for myself, but the sheer misery of existence will always triumph over that.

My plan is to somehow get my hands on a shotgun, train myself how to use it (very important, cannot mess this up and end up a veggie), and make my exit that way. I have emetophobia and would probably make it worse if I failed an OD method of any kind, so I'm sticking with this.

I will edit this post with more information as I gather it (specifics, what not).

If any one has suggestions for me or has an alternative method, feel free to reply to this thread.

Edit as of 12/3/25: If I want to do things the legal way, New Year's Eve is definitely not going to be enough time. I'll (unfortunately) have to push it back. It can take a month to just hear back from the court to get a firearm license.

In the meantime, I will have to contact people as to how I can get gun training, so I am able to take action as soon as I get my license.

 

[telekon]

Lately, there has been an itch in my brain stem that can only be scratched with bullets, so I have decided to, once again, commit to my plan of CTB on New Year's Eve (though, it may take longer than that).

Frankly, I am terrified of messing up and making life worse for myself, but the sheer misery of existence will always triumph over that.

My plan is to somehow get my hands on a shotgun, train myself how to use it (very important, cannot mess this up and end up a veggie), and make my exit that way. I have emetophobia and would probably make it worse if I failed an OD method of any kind, so I'm sticking with this.

I will edit this post with more information as I gather it (specifics, what not).

If any one has suggestions for me or has an alternative method, feel free to reply to this thread.

I want to put a heart on this because I love that intro sentence, but I also don't want to encourage your suicide. Personally, if I were to blow my brains out on New Years, I would do it on the countdown.

 

[badatparties]

A leftist buying a gun, what the actual heck?

JK, only trying to interject a bit of humor into the situation. I'm sorry you're suffering, but i can't help with you with plans and what not.

I wish you peace my friend.