Help Make it look accidental or leave note?

[longingforrelease]

Hi all,
I'm still very new here, but I find this site extraordinarily helpful and supporting. I can't seem to solve a problem. I've posted that I wish to spare my beloved 10 year old daughter the additional psychological harm of losing her father to an obvious suicide. So I'm investigating ways to ctb during a scuba dive. But the more I think about that approach, I am confronted with overwhelming sadness at the thought of not being able to say good bye to her, to tell her how much I loved her and how much joy she brought me and how sorry I am that the pain resulting from the egregious mistakes I made that cost me my family, job, position in society, etc. proved more than I could bear.

Have any of you faced a similar dilemma or know of anyone that ctb after deciding which way to go? I really am torn.

thanks all,
peace

 

[violetskin96]

if you have any contact with her you can tell her that yourself in person, but don't do it in an ominous way do it in a kind loving authentic way. if i made a mistake that ruined my family i'd tell my children how much i love them and how sorry i am regardless of if i was going to ctb or not.

 

[longingforrelease]

if you have any contact with her you can tell her that yourself in person, but don't do it in an ominous way do it in a kind loving authentic way. if i made a mistake that ruined my family i'd tell my children how much i love them and how sorry i am regardless of if i was going to ctb or not.

thank you for your reply. We skype, and I tell her I love her all the time. But now that I think of it, I've never told her how sorry I am or having been the reason the family broke apart. My ex has been good enough to keep her from the things that happened between us way from our daughter. So yes, perhaps it might be time for me to make amends to my daughter for things she doesn't know about. Thanks whoever you are.

 

[Fallen bad23]

Spend some time with her first, some good quality time. Be careful not to talk to as if you are saying goodbye. Even though I really respect your choice I would just like to say that your death will not be okay for her, she needs her loving father to be there for her caring for her and guiding her thought out her life. SHE NEEDS YOU. Please try to give life another go just for your daughter maybe things turn out fine this time.

 

[LostitAll]

I understand we're all going through some extremely difficult times
(at least most of us are) but the only thing that would prevent me
from doing what I'm going to do is if I had young children.

I'm not here to lecture or judge and I don't know your specific
circumstances. But in my opinion, a child losing their father
to suicide would be horribly traumatic to them.

 

[Susannah]

I agree with the above answers, and if possible I would rather die "accidentally" to spare my child than leave a note whitch I find in this circumstance a bit selfish (no offend). I've thought a lot about this myself, being a parent. Huge hugs to you either way.

 

[longingforrelease]

I agree with the above answers, and if possible I would rather die "accidentally" to spare my child than leave a note whitch I find in this circumstance a bit selfish (no offend). I've thought a lot about this myself, being a parent. Huge hugs to you either way.

yes, I agree that the wish to give her a note is somewhat selfish - it would make my parting easier for me. But on the other hand, I really want her to know the depth of my love for her. Though I would no longer be around to demonstrate my love at least she would have that one thing which sought to explain to her that my choice to depart came not because I didn't love her, but despite how much I loved her. But in truth, I'm still leaning toward accident. Thank you so much for your kindness

 

[longingforrelease]

I understand we're all going through some extremely difficult times
(at least most of us are) but the only thing that would prevent me
from doing what I'm going to do is if I had young children.

I'm not here to lecture or judge and I don't know your specific
circumstances. But in my opinion, a child losing their father
to suicide would be horribly traumatic to them.

yes, indeed. I think it's fair to say that I haven't taken my life so far (been considering it for a couple of years) almost solely due to her. She has kept me alive. But now that I am forced to live 10,000 miles from her, I'm beginning to lose the connection that to this point has been life sustaining. Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.

 

[longingforrelease]

Spend some time with her first, some good quality time. Be careful not to talk to as if you are saying goodbye. Even though I really respect your choice I would just like to say that your death will not be okay for her, she needs her loving father to be there for her caring for her and guiding her thought out her life. SHE NEEDS YOU. Please try to give life another go just for your daughter maybe things turn out fine this time.

thank you. As I said in another reply, she's largely been the sole reason I've not yet ctb. Seriously, thank you for your thoughtfulness.

 

[hikikomori]

I know it's cliche but a time capsule letter? my two cents don't tell her directly rn it's hard on a 10 year old. its the cost of death though and since your here you've taken a step towards it. everyone comes to this conclusion on thier own and I can't imagine how much you must be hurting to have ended up here. If it's any consiloation, there's alot more kids being raised with single parents so she won't be as shunned as much and alot of successful people have ghosts in there pasts at well.
kids are also good at picking up on emotions 2.

fundamentally, how close are you with your ex. if you wouldn't mind telling her and seeing how she deals with it.

if your feeling that suicide is selfish, it is, but you shouldn't be ashamed by it. it's more selfish to drink water because someone in the world is prob dying of dehydration. no matter how much you feel you didnt contribute to the world, you for sure have done enough to ask for your peace and your death.
if you don't belive me, you have a daughter who loves you. you've done your fair share you've earned your suicide
(sorry went all philosophical and rambley)

 

[Prime]

dying "accidentally" is better in my opinion than with a note. Grief of losing someone in an accident or a natural death is of a different kind to the grief of losing someone in a suicide. The latter can manifest itself in severe depression in the grieved. Think upon this.

 

[longingforrelease]

I know it's cliche but a time capsule letter? my two cents don't tell her directly rn it's hard on a 10 year old. its the cost of death though and since your here you've taken a step towards it. everyone comes to this conclusion on thier own and I can't imagine how much you must be hurting to have ended up here. If it's any consiloation, there's alot more kids being raised with single parents so she won't be as shunned as much and alot of successful people have ghosts in there pasts at well.
kids are also good at picking up on emotions 2.

fundamentally, how close are you with your ex. if you wouldn't mind telling her and seeing how she deals with it.

if your feeling that suicide is selfish, it is, but you shouldn't be ashamed by it. it's more selfish to drink water because someone in the world is prob dying of dehydration. no matter how much you feel you didnt contribute to the world, you for sure have done enough to ask for your peace and your death.
if you don't belive me, you have a daughter who loves you. you've done your fair share you've earned your suicide
(sorry went all philosophical and rambley)

those are beautiful sentiments. and I thank you. you, like others here, have given me much to think about. As for the relationship with the ex, not an option. A major part of the reason I'm here is that I got hooked on amphetamines which sparked an extended manic period (bipolar) in which I betrayed her. I still love my ex, but understandably she thinks I'm a dick. And indeed my behavior during that period was unconscionable so she has every reason to think poorly of me. My daughter seems to have handled the unexpected break up of our little family well so I think she's resilient. But well, she's the last person I wish to see harmed. So this is why I am leaning toward something that looks like an accident. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts with me.

 

[longingforrelease]

dying "accidentally" is better in my opinion than with a note. Grief of losing someone in an accident or a natural death is of a different kind to the grief of losing someone in a suicide. The latter can manifest itself in severe depression in the grieved. Think upon this.

I am. I'm definitely leaning toward the accident. And there might be ways to say some final kinds of things in my regular letters to her (I now live 10,000 miles from her) that she could hold onto after I'm gone. Thanks for sharing with me.