Discussion Maintaining relationships when you're afraid of them?

[like-spoiledmilk]

Hello!

This is a bad admission. I have an awful time making friends/connections and keeping them. People around me often express interest and invite me out, very frequently, but I never go.

I'm dreadfully afraid of relationships just as much as I desire them. The more I like a person, the more afraid I am. I know about attachment theory and the whole 'fearful-avoidant' thing, and I am aware of how hurtful this can be for other people. It's 90% of the reason I've intentionally kept everyone at a distance for four years now.

It also makes me feel less like a human. Connections to others - family, friends, partners - is what makes us, isn't it? At this rate, I know I'll die alone. I know I'll regret being a coward. However, trying *again* and hurting someone *again* when I disappear is worse.

Anyway, has anyone changed from being this way? Has anyone become better? I guess I just need the hope that this doesn't have to be forever.

 

[nocatwaslost]

I think this is something one can definitely change. I would suggest opening up to a person you trust and feel safe with and tell the person about your worries and anxiety. It helps to start with one person and then later extend to a wider circle, although it can take some time. But if you see that a relationship/friendship doesn't have to be as bad as you make it out to be in your head, you will see that it can be something very endearing and cheery

 

[badatparties]

I've long given up on that, so can't give advice there. Maybe in the next life or something.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Its not a bad admission. It's an intimate confiding of something that causes you a lot of distress.

Can you explain what causes you fear?

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I would push back on the "Connections to others - family, friends, partners - is what makes us, isn't it?" - it's not true. What makes us us is our personality, character and actions.

I've had times when I've had more friends and less, but because of trauma I'm hesitant to have friends. I'm afraid of making friends and maintaining it; my goal is to get to a point where I get enough human contact at work and a relationship, and if I have my hobbies (like classes) get connect there. But what I want - deep, meaningful connection - is too hard. When I've had that, people walk away. Why put myself in the line of fire again?