Made my first cut in 20 days

[GhostgirlWannadie]

It might not seem long but it's the longest I've gone since I started. I don't have any choice but to die now but I'm scared.

Nothing changed, I just got reminded that there's no future for me as a trans girl. It's horrible because the last week I've really felt hope. I started writing more the last few weeks and I actually want to finish everything I've written.

Yesterday I just got reminded of everything I'll never have. I don't know what the hell I was dreaming before it but every single one of them is gone now. My cousin's in a completely different world from me. I can't speak at all and there's no way I'll ever not have vocal dysphoria.

I used to have extremely violent thoughts to other people and even animals so I would cut myself for having them. I used to feel so insecure over whether I have the maneurisms of a girl or not. Internally I don't think about hurting people or animals anymore and I do feel feminine now.

I really managed to change myself and the way I think since I last cut but just like every single time before none of it fucking matters. How many times do I need to be reminded of the same lesson?

it doesn't matter how much I change, I'll never be able to express it. For some reason I thought I could last night until I got reminded again and again.

i don't really hate myself anymore. My body, sure but I wish I was just born another way. I hate how I used to be but I found a way to see beneath all of that so I really feel like I've forgiven myself.

It still won't matter. They say, "It doesn't matter what other people think of you" but when there's not a single person who really sees me what the hell do I do. No matter what I do my mom will always think, "You don't have the maneurisms if a girl." If there's not a single person to actually talk to then I'm just alone. I've heard people go insane from being isolated.

I think the psychiatrist I talk to might help but I don't get to see her often enough. I'm still afraid to talk about a lot if things because i still feel guilt. Being trans makes me feel guilty, like an intruder but there's no alternative for me. I'll always be trans no matter what.

This time I just need to cut just to get all of this out. I don't have any other way to release it. I need to get ready to actually kms but I'm scared. I want to do partial suspension. I just want a new life. In this one no matter how good I try there's no point.

 

[coralreefer]

Just fyi I don't really feel empathy so my bad if this sounds mean in any way. I don't believe you have to "get ready to kill yourself" since it's more of a feeling that arrives by itself. You can't really rush it. I would recommend looking for other trans communities both online and irl, I don't know how accessible that is for you but if you have the opportunity to find others like you, you should take it.

I have personally really struggled with finding like minded people and I would say it helps to find them. I also don't mean this in a rude way, but is cutting maybe a habit for you? Like something bad happens and you've learned to resort to cutting after a long time of doing it? Just kinda curious, since I don't really understand cutting. I've tried it but just didn't work for me. Sorry again if it's rude at all.

 

[dreadlox]

I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are. If refraining from cutting is something you want, then 20 days is something to be proud of. I recently had a similar streak if you want to call it that. I'm not sure how i feel about it though. Is it an accomplishment or a weakness? I don't know. Sometimes i cut as a way to punish myself. It scary but i feel it's deserved. Other times it's like you describe, allowing negative feelings and confusion to escape my body. I cut and suddenly i can relax for a minute. Those times it feels greatly satisfying. It's usually more severe then too. It's not frightening or anything, just a release and a sense of relief .

 

[coralreefer]

I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are. If refraining from cutting is something you want, then 20 days is something to be proud of. I recently had a similar streak if you want to call it that. I'm not sure how i feel about it though. Is it an accomplishment or a weakness? I don't know. Sometimes i cut as a way to punish myself. It scary but i feel it's deserved. Other times it's like you describe, allowing negative feelings and confusion to escape my body. I cut and suddenly i can relax for a minute. Those times it feels greatly satisfying. It's usually more severe then too. It's not frightening or anything, just a release and a sense of relief .

What do you punish yourself for? I tried it but it was just kinda a mess to clean up and I didn't feel anything. Does it have to be anything dramatic in your life for it to work? Is it like an addiction? I don't feel empathy fyi.

 

[GhostgirlWannadie]

Just fyi I don't really feel empathy so my bad if this sounds mean in any way. I don't believe you have to "get ready to kill yourself" since it's more of a feeling that arrives by itself. You can't really rush it. I would recommend looking for other trans communities both online and irl, I don't know how accessible that is for you but if you have the opportunity to find others like you, you should take it.

I have personally really struggled with finding like minded people and I would say it helps to find them. I also don't mean this in a rude way, but is cutting maybe a habit for you? Like something bad happens and you've learned to resort to cutting after a long time of doing it? Just kinda curious, since I don't really understand cutting. I've tried it but just didn't work for me. Sorry again if it's ru

The first time I cut was as a form or punisment but I dont cut for that reason as much anymore. I tend to cut when I just want to feel something. There's times where I want to cry but I'm too desensitized to crying so I cut. Sometimes I gett extremely angry and emotionally pent up so I cut as a release. The worst kind of thoughts come from when I'm extremely dysphoric. This time I cut from dysphoria but I usually cut immediately when the thoughts come but this time I couldn't. When I got home the thoughts weren't so extreme but I still felt unfulfilled from not cutting. It felt like there was no choice but to do it st some point.