Made a terrible decision, I see no way out but to kill myself and I desperately need help

[sisyphus_]

Hello,

I have never been suicidal before and I've always cherished life and thought that I would never ever think of killing myself, I love life and I strive for improving my situation no matter what is going on. But this all changed and I've hit the lowest point of my life ever.

I'm 27, a software engineer and I've done well in life and some level of success (despite some traumatic events in my upbringing) and I navigated my world with resilience and hard work even though I've had some level of anxiety from time to time (let's say in the form of mild episodes but infrequent), I graduated and landed a great job and worked really hard, got promoted and few raises, I was also living on my own in a nice place, life was GREAT. Unfortunately I have also made bad decisions such as smoking weed heavily and participating in building a startup on the side with some people which left me really overworked.

All that has been ongoing for 2 years, until the day I had a panic attack out of nowhere. That shattered my world and I have gone from someone who's active, energetic, charismatic and overflowing with confidence to a shell of a person, I have suffered from periods of depersonalization/derealization and life was a living hell. I have gone to a psychiatrist of course and I followed up with the treatment and started taking anti-depressants for 6 months until I could get a little better. It was hell but I pushed through it and kept my job luckily because the workload was really low for me at that time.

About a year after that panic attack, I was much better but not entirely healed, I have started gaining my confidence back. But I made a TERRIBLE mistake, the worst mistake of my life, I had an opportunity to take a job at a prestigious company with a big raise (53%) but with much more stress and insane workload, I have been hesitant about it but I took it and left my comfortable job, mind you at my comfortable job I was well respected for my great contributions and had many privileges of remote work and flexible hours and low workload. At the new job it was HELL, insane workload, very long hours (9am - 9pm) and work was very tight deadlines. I lasted 3 months there before I crashed down and quit, I have sustained a lot of damage from that and my anxiety went over the roof and I just couldn't keep going.

Now I'm back to living with my parents just recovering from all that (I've only quit like a month ago) and the regret of changing jobs is killing me, I feel like I ruined my life with that decision, I feel like I didn't prioritize my mental health and got greedy and thought I could just make it work.

I'm battling with suicidal thoughts every day and I'm sinking lower and lower and I've become very serious about it to the point of planning exactly how I would do it and I feel like that's where I'm headed.

Any help would be really appreciated

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

Exercise, meditation, sleeping and eating properly, and get a therapist/psychologist. Breakdowns from being overworked can leave you hesitant and afraid to go back.

 

[lita-lassi]

theres no easy answer to such shattering issues. it takes a lot of self evaluation without judgment. realistic expectations and boundaries, goals, lists, accountability without self-hatred or blame shifting etc. if youre in therapy (like actually talking honestly and extensively not just a psychiatrist) and its helping, great, if not, maybe find a new councelor? it depends on your goals. if your main goal around the suicidal thoughts is just "stop", map out a plan of therapeutic distractions, grounding techniques or self affirmations to remind your brain you still have control, etc for other goals/ideals as well

idk if this is helpful at all, i hope so and i hope youre able to remind yourself you have every ability to have a life not controlled by constant panic. i can't say there's a cure or quick fix or that it won't happen again but there are mediations

 

[BetweenRadioStations]

Could you ask for your old job back?

 

[carac]

Just take a step back. So you tried something and it didn't work out, it's ok, you can't change anything about that now. What you really need is to focus on your current position.

Take it as a valuable life lesson, now you know you have limits. You sound like you have support just try and gather as much as you can, you will need it. You shouldn't be ashamed of living back with your parents, I'm 46 and still live with my mum

Personally I am working at the moment but I am only doing a much as I feel comfortable. I keep getting offered more hours or more repsonsibilites but I just want to prioritize my mental health for now.

 

[Dot]

Hello,

I have never been suicidal before and I've always cherished life and thought that I would never ever think of killing myself, I love life and I strive for improving my situation no matter what is going on. But this all changed and I've hit the lowest point of my life ever.

I'm 27, a software engineer and I've done well in life and some level of success (despite some traumatic events in my upbringing) and I navigated my world with resilience and hard work even though I've had some level of anxiety from time to time (let's say in the form of mild episodes but infrequent), I graduated and landed a great job and worked really hard, got promoted and few raises, I was also living on my own in a nice place, life was GREAT. Unfortunately I have also made bad decisions such as smoking weed heavily and participating in building a startup on the side with some people which left me really overworked.

All that has been ongoing for 2 years, until the day I had a panic attack out of nowhere. That shattered my world and I have gone from someone who's active, energetic, charismatic and overflowing with confidence to a shell of a person, I have suffered from periods of depersonalization/derealization and life was a living hell. I have gone to a psychiatrist of course and I followed up with the treatment and started taking anti-depressants for 6 months until I could get a little better. It was hell but I pushed through it and kept my job luckily because the workload was really low for me at that time.

About a year after that panic attack, I was much better but not entirely healed, I have started gaining my confidence back. But I made a TERRIBLE mistake, the worst mistake of my life, I had an opportunity to take a job at a prestigious company with a big raise (53%) but with much more stress and insane workload, I have been hesitant about it but I took it and left my comfortable job, mind you at my comfortable job I was well respected for my great contributions and had many privileges of remote work and flexible hours and low workload. At the new job it was HELL, insane workload, very long hours (9am - 9pm) and work was very tight deadlines. I lasted 3 months there before I crashed down and quit, I have sustained a lot of damage from that and my anxiety went over the roof and I just couldn't keep going.

Now I'm back to living with my parents just recovering from all that (I've only quit like a month ago) and the regret of changing jobs is killing me, I feel like I ruined my life with that decision, I feel like I didn't prioritize my mental health and got greedy and thought I could just make it work.

I'm battling with suicidal thoughts every day and I'm sinking lower and lower and I've become very serious about it to the point of planning exactly how I would do it and I feel like that's where I'm headed.

Any help would be really appreciated

Nothng wll tke awy th/ knwldge & wrk xpernce tht u hve - u cn stll us tht fr futre jbs & wll b vry Mployble

Jst lk aftr urslf & fcus on ur recvry

If u hd a pattrn of nt fcusng on urslf & puttng wrk & ££ 1st as mny ppl r also gulty of thn ths cld hve bn a consqunce tht ws jst w8tng t/ happn

& u jst nd t/ lk @ Y u pt tht pressre on urslf in th/ 1st plce & u cn cme bck frm ths

 

[Abandoned Character]

I do not have the answer nor probably anywhere close to the perfect advice.

What I can confidently say is that, if you are interested in living, give things time. It is normal to grieve the way you are now. Your body and mind will benefit from time as you work to rebuild yourself. From the perspective of someone who only knows what you shared in this post, it seems this mistake is something you are capable of recovering from. You are at home with your parents, it is good that you have such a good support system. You have a lot of experience still and an asset to the workforce. Perhaps you do not want to work in the industry anymore, that's okay too, but is definitely a new challenge in its own right. Perhaps the issue for you right now is coming to terms with something you do not want to accept. This was definitely the case for myself.

I wish you luck, and believe in you. Cheers.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You are "burnt out" (=Burnout) the only real thing u can do is relax - kinda "switch yourself off" until your MH recovers. The earlier you do this the better it is imo, maybe with some kind of therapy. You have skills, you have knowledge that will help you for a restart later - after you recovered. And you're not even 30 yet ... it'd be so much worse if that happened to u in your 40's or 50's ... then it's often a death sentence.

Give yourself the time you need. There's no other option imo. Meds won't help.

 

[sisyphus_]

Exercise, meditation, sleeping and eating properly, and get a therapist/psychologist. Breakdowns from being overworked can leave you hesitant and afraid to go back.

Honestly my sleep is super f**ked up, I used to swim but I no longer go. However I'm planning on tackling these gradually, it's just really hard to do anything right now but I'll push through it. Tho your username is funny to me, curiosity killed the cat which is exactly what happened to me lol.

theres no easy answer to such shattering issues. it takes a lot of self evaluation without judgment. realistic expectations and boundaries, goals, lists, accountability without self-hatred or blame shifting etc. if youre in therapy (like actually talking honestly and extensively not just a psychiatrist) and its helping, great, if not, maybe find a new councelor? it depends on your goals. if your main goal around the suicidal thoughts is just "stop", map out a plan of therapeutic distractions, grounding techniques or self affirmations to remind your brain you still have control, etc for other goals/ideals as well

idk if this is helpful at all, i hope so and i hope youre able to remind yourself you have every ability to have a life not controlled by constant panic. i can't say there's a cure or quick fix or that it won't happen again but there are mediations

I agree, I did go to therapy right before I quit that job but I didn't like my therapist's approach, maybe I should look until I find one that clicks. I appreciate what you said about reminding yourself you have the ability to have a life not controlled by constant panic, that hit hard since I believe a big part that I struggle with right now is my ability to have control over my life and keep my grip on the present and reality, uncontrolled by anxiety and what comes with it.

Could you ask for your old job back?

I tried but the position has been filled and they aren't hiring for a similar position right now.

Just take a step back. So you tried something and it didn't work out, it's ok, you can't change anything about that now. What you really need is to focus on your current position.

Take it as a valuable life lesson, now you know you have limits. You sound like you have support just try and gather as much as you can, you will need it. You shouldn't be ashamed of living back with your parents, I'm 46 and still live with my mum

Personally I am working at the moment but I am only doing a much as I feel comfortable. I keep getting offered more hours or more repsonsibilites but I just want to prioritize my mental health for now.

I definitely learned a very valuable life lesson, which is to never follow prestige/money/greed or what people would dream of, but instead do what's fitting for your own situation and circumstances. And to prioritize mental health and overall health over other materialistic gains or job.
You're doing really great by prioritizing your mental health, I congratulate you for that and wish you the best!

Nothng wll tke awy th/ knwldge & wrk xpernce tht u hve - u cn stll us tht fr futre jbs & wll b vry Mployble

Jst lk aftr urslf & fcus on ur recvry

If u hd a pattrn of nt fcusng on urslf & puttng wrk & ££ 1st as mny ppl r also gulty of thn ths cld hve bn a consqunce tht ws jst w8tng t/ happn

& u jst nd t/ lk @ Y u pt tht pressre on urslf in th/ 1st plce & u cn cme bck frm ths

I always read your postings/hear people talking about you and it feels cool seeing you comment on my post haha
I absolutely agree on the knowledge and work experience, I've worked hard for it and it'll always be mine. Also working hard at the expanse of my well being has been a flaw of mine and I've been living a crazy fast lifestyle doing drugs and working insane hours and sleeping around and going out a lot all at the same time which is very unhealthy which led to this.
Idk the reason exactly, I feel like I probably have insecurities caused by trauma that make me seeking excellence no matter what, and always feeling like I'm not doing enough even if I am. Funny thing even at the last high paced job I received great feedback and they were surprised I'm leaving and they tried to incentivize me with many things to stay, even operating at 30% my usual capacity and being crippled with anxiety...

I do not have the answer nor probably anywhere close to the perfect advice.

What I can confidently say is that, if you are interested in living, give things time. It is normal to grieve the way you are now. Your body and mind will benefit from time as you work to rebuild yourself. From the perspective of someone who only knows what you shared in this post, it seems this mistake is something you are capable of recovering from. You are at home with your parents, it is good that you have such a good support system. You have a lot of experience still and an asset to the workforce. Perhaps you do not want to work in the industry anymore, that's okay too, but is definitely a new challenge in its own right. Perhaps the issue for you right now is coming to terms with something you do not want to accept. This was definitely the case for myself.

I wish you luck, and believe in you. Cheers.

I'm definitely interested in living, but sometimes when the pain gets too much I think of suicide as a way out. But I don't want that, I want my old self back, if that's not possible I want to content with my life, healthy and happy. And I also don't wanna put my family through the immense pain...
This field is my childhood/younger self's passion, and I'm also good at it and it pays well. I've thought about exploring other areas but living in a developing country the economy isn't great and you can't live a decent life unless you're working a white collar job or if you already have resources to invest, but that's another story.
My problem is ever since that panic attack nothing has been the same as before and many things that I used to perform with ease are now a sort of challenge, and you're absolutely right about needing to come to terms with something I don't wanna accept, I feel like it's how my lifestyle, confidence, social status changed and how my health suffered. I think if I make sense of it and beat this last point it would be a catalyst to improving my life.

You are "burnt out" (=Burnout) the only real thing u can do is relax - kinda "switch yourself off" until your MH recovers. The earlier you do this the better it is imo, maybe with some kind of therapy. You have skills, you have knowledge that will help you for a restart later - after you recovered. And you're not even 30 yet ... it'd be so much worse if that happened to u in your 40's or 50's ... then it's often a death sentence.

Give yourself the time you need. There's no other option imo. Meds won't help.

Definitely, and mental health is really the most important aspect of life and beats any sort of success/materialistic gains. I'm curious as to why it would be a death sentence if it happened in the 40's or 50's? I've always wished at least if this didn't happen to me this young and at least if it was to happen, it better happen much later in life.

-----------------------------------

Thanks a lot to all of you! reading your replies and how you took the time to offer support and ideas is really warms my heart and it's VERY helpful, your input helps break down the crisis and looking at solutions from different angles.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

Honestly my sleep is super f**ked up, I used to swim but I no longer go. However I'm planning on tackling these gradually, it's just really hard to do anything right now but I'll push through it. Tho your username is funny to me, curiosity killed the cat which is exactly what happened to me lol.

I agree, I did go to therapy right before I quit that job but I didn't like my therapist's approach, maybe I should look until I find one that clicks. I appreciate what you said about reminding yourself you have the ability to have a life not controlled by constant panic, that hit hard since I believe a big part that I struggle with right now is my ability to have control over my life and keep my grip on the present and reality, uncontrolled by anxiety and what comes with it.

I tried but the position has been filled and they aren't hiring for a similar position right now.

I definitely learned a very valuable life lesson, which is to never follow prestige/money/greed or what people would dream of, but instead do what's fitting for your own situation and circumstances. And to prioritize mental health and overall health over other materialistic gains or job.
You're doing really great by prioritizing your mental health, I congratulate you for that and wish you the best!

I always read your postings/hear people talking about you and it feels cool seeing you comment on my post haha
I absolutely agree on the knowledge and work experience, I've worked hard for it and it'll always be mine. Also working hard at the expanse of my well being has been a flaw of mine and I've been living a crazy fast lifestyle doing drugs and working insane hours and sleeping around and going out a lot all at the same time which is very unhealthy which led to this.
Idk the reason exactly, I feel like I probably have insecurities caused by trauma that make me seeking excellence no matter what, and always feeling like I'm not doing enough even if I am. Funny thing even at the last high paced job I received great feedback and they were surprised I'm leaving and they tried to incentivize me with many things to stay, even operating at 30% my usual capacity and being crippled with anxiety...

I'm definitely interested in living, but sometimes when the pain gets too much I think of suicide as a way out. But I don't want that, I want my old self back, if that's not possible I want to content with my life, healthy and happy. And I also don't wanna put my family through the immense pain...
This field is my childhood/younger self's passion, and I'm also good at it and it pays well. I've thought about exploring other areas but living in a developing country the economy isn't great and you can't live a decent life unless you're working a white collar job or if you already have resources to invest, but that's another story.
My problem is ever since that panic attack nothing has been the same as before and many things that I used to perform with ease are now a sort of challenge, and you're absolutely right about needing to come to terms with something I don't wanna accept, I feel like it's how my lifestyle, confidence, social status changed and how my health suffered. I think if I make sense of it and beat this last point it would be a catalyst to improving my life.


Definitely, and mental health is really the most important aspect of life and beats any sort of success/materialistic gains. I'm curious as to why it would be a death sentence if it happened in the 40's or 50's? I've always wished at least if this didn't happen to me this young and at least if it was to happen, it better happen much later in life.

-----------------------------------

Thanks a lot to all of you! reading your replies and how you took the time to offer support and ideas is really warms my heart and it's VERY helpful, your input helps break down the crisis and looking at solutions from different angles.

Ha! your first person to say they like my UN. Semantically seemed to match me. Intelligent, bright, positive, smiling, upbeat, but planning to die. The second part: Satisfaction brought him back is where I'm at now. I had a lot of success in treatment.

Sometimes we bite off more than we can chew. You're just ambitious and didn't balance. Forgive yourself. You made an optimal decision given the information you had. You have new information now. Congratulate yourself for taking it and leaving.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm curious as to why it would be a death sentence if it happened in the 40's or 50's? I've always wished at least if this didn't happen to me this young and at least if it was to happen, it better happen much later in life.

To me it's a death sentence and I'm in mid 40's now. I did not fail in life bc of MH issues but bc of wrong decisions (from today's point of view). That lead to depressive episodes, burnout, suicidal ideation and so on. I have no current skills, no wage-slave history and no references. I'm like an 18 year old school graduate ... If you're out of your job / can't do a job in your 40's, 50's and older age and you do not have enough money for a good life (that is a subjective feeling what a "good life" is for everyone) then it's a death sentence. A restart in 20's and (early) 30's is much easier. Sure, if you have special skills and left your job in a position that was high enough then it's probably easier to find a way back even in older age.

Definitely, and mental health is really the most important aspect of life and beats any sort of success/materialistic gains.

You r right with this but when actually money (materialistic stuff) is the cause of MH issues (or a big part of them) then the best physical and mental health isn't worth a lot when life is bad bc of lack of money. That's a real and often unsolvable vicious cycle!

This is pretty much my personal experience, opinion and how I see it in my case.

 

[rosenwasser]

Hello, I think I get where you're coming from. Source: I've worked in psychiatric social services for quite some time. I've seen successful people crash after they've burnt out, from teachers to top executives. You don't really see these realities in your work life, but they are common. And many of these people make it out of this situation and continue to have a successful career - after crashing, after spending weeks or months at a psych ward. Of course it isn't easy and many of them don't get their old job back. But those who has some resources (like stable health before the incident, partners, friends and family) and worked at it made it out.
You come from an area of work where burnouts are incredibly common. Signing up for a job with too much workload that makes you crash is not something that disqualifies you in the long run in my opinion. I can even imagine that framing this as a reason (of course without detailing the mental health crisis) can help you find a job that fits your needs later on - "The workload at my last company caused me to neglect my family and after a period of reflection, I'm looking for a different kind of work-life-balance".
I can also testify to a crisis not meaning that your whole life or career is over. After a sexual assault at my work, I had a break-down, had to leave my work and wasn't able to return to my career path because of triggers. I then went to law school at 23 and won't be done until 27. I'm not having the best time. My CV is not nearly as impressive as the one of the people around me and those are in their early 20s. It's clear to me that there are things I'll never be able to do in my career, I won't be a top lawyer, I probably won't be an academic. But there are a few things that I'm good at and if I keep at it I will be able to make a living for myself.
Have you found professional help yet? Battling severe depression and suicidal thoughts is not an easy task. I'm not uncritical of psychiatrists and would't personallyl recommend them as first-line solution but for feelings of failure and burnout therapy and reframing of the situation can be helpful.
I've been battling with depression and suicidal thoughts all my life and yet they are still incredibly hard to manage. Experiencing a first crisis of this kind must be excruciating and I absolutely understand that there seems to be no way out - you haven't ever made it out if this kind of situation before.
But you have many resources (your resilience, your family, your degree) that can help you get out of this and - at least I think - a genuine chance to get out of the spot you're in and enjoy life again.

 

[Cain.Wong]

You will find a better job. Just focusing on your recovery.

 

[Linda]

Hello,

I have never been suicidal before and I've always cherished life and thought that I would never ever think of killing myself, I love life and I strive for improving my situation no matter what is going on. But this all changed and I've hit the lowest point of my life ever.

I'm 27, a software engineer and I've done well in life and some level of success (despite some traumatic events in my upbringing) and I navigated my world with resilience and hard work even though I've had some level of anxiety from time to time (let's say in the form of mild episodes but infrequent), I graduated and landed a great job and worked really hard, got promoted and few raises, I was also living on my own in a nice place, life was GREAT. Unfortunately I have also made bad decisions such as smoking weed heavily and participating in building a startup on the side with some people which left me really overworked.

All that has been ongoing for 2 years, until the day I had a panic attack out of nowhere. That shattered my world and I have gone from someone who's active, energetic, charismatic and overflowing with confidence to a shell of a person, I have suffered from periods of depersonalization/derealization and life was a living hell. I have gone to a psychiatrist of course and I followed up with the treatment and started taking anti-depressants for 6 months until I could get a little better. It was hell but I pushed through it and kept my job luckily because the workload was really low for me at that time.

About a year after that panic attack, I was much better but not entirely healed, I have started gaining my confidence back. But I made a TERRIBLE mistake, the worst mistake of my life, I had an opportunity to take a job at a prestigious company with a big raise (53%) but with much more stress and insane workload, I have been hesitant about it but I took it and left my comfortable job, mind you at my comfortable job I was well respected for my great contributions and had many privileges of remote work and flexible hours and low workload. At the new job it was HELL, insane workload, very long hours (9am - 9pm) and work was very tight deadlines. I lasted 3 months there before I crashed down and quit, I have sustained a lot of damage from that and my anxiety went over the roof and I just couldn't keep going.

Now I'm back to living with my parents just recovering from all that (I've only quit like a month ago) and the regret of changing jobs is killing me, I feel like I ruined my life with that decision, I feel like I didn't prioritize my mental health and got greedy and thought I could just make it work.

I'm battling with suicidal thoughts every day and I'm sinking lower and lower and I've become very serious about it to the point of planning exactly how I would do it and I feel like that's where I'm headed.

Any help would be really appreciated

Sounds to me that you are dealing with a nasty bout of depression caused by external circumstances. That's different from the kind of depression that's "in your DNA" and that some people experience throughout much of their life. Your depression will lift when your circumstances change. Don't ctb. I know exactly what you are going through as I have been there, though the circumstances that caused it for me were very different from yours. I did try to ctb - there was nobody around to give me advice - but fortunately my attempt was thwarted by a chance event.

I think you need to do two things. (1) Figure out what caused the panic attack. You need to know whether you might have another one, and how to deal with it if you do. Was the cause psychological or physical (e.g. brain tumor)? If you can rule out a physical cause, then a therapist might be able to help. (2) Start thinking about getting back into the world of employment. You will be able to work successfully, if it's a suitable job that is not too stressful, even before the depression has fully lifted, and being at work and earning some money will help clear out the depression completely.

Stop worrying about being depressed. That can set off a vicious circle that will drive you down even further. Your depression is a perfectly natural response to what has happened. (I can explain the evolutionary origins of this kind of depression if you are ever interested.)

Now that you know where your limits are, take care to stay within them in future. There's nothing wrong with making money, but there's no point becoming the richest corpse in the graveyard.

Forget the mistakes of the past. We all make mistakes Just move on.

You can get through this. Good luck.

 

[whywere]

These are just my thoughts and experiences at the age of 67, I mention my age because of life experience.

1 I would put out feelers to the previous company and see the response. If one left on good terms, who knows. A collogue was laid off from a company because of covid. She went about a year and a half and the company that laid here off, liked her so much that they created a position for her and rehired her.

2) You are 27, not 67 like me. Yes, there is age discrimination, of yes believe me and you do not have to face that aspect.

3) NOW NEVER BEING MEAN OR THE LIKE EVER, THAT IS NOT ME, THIS IS JUST MY THOUGHTS, I have seen through the decades folks who did the same thing that you did. The ONE aspect to keep in mind is that it is going to take some time in the job (position) market.

4) If it was me, depending of course on the financials aspect, I would decompress some more, then put my feelers out there again. I would start at my position, company, that I liked and left, and see what is going on there.

5) Another main thing is all of my connections that I have with folks, companies and the like.

Reading your thread, I came away with a very strong sense of a highly intelligent, kind and caring person.

I 100% believe in YOU and you will do great, it just is not going to happen in a short time, BUT down the road, you will look back and it will be a distant faded memory.

Walter

 

[JealousOfTheElderly]

OP, 10 years ago I made a similar decision. I know how devastating is it. My world was shattered and to this day, I'm recovered 70%.
I did go back to a job similar to my old one but I'm living somewhere I don't want to be. I regret a move for a prestigious job in the bay area where I lasted not even 2 years. I never wound up moving back to where I came from and I'm still working towards that goal. For a while, I thought of CTBing.
Writing it down doesn't really have the same impact as experiencing what you are going through but just know that I feel you.
Find a new job that's similar to your old one. You and I learned the lesson to not chase greed, prestige, or money.
Also, screw F(M)AANG companies and the others who try to emulate them.

 

[Valky]

I mean, I know it sucks and may not seem like such a great thing at the moment but it looks like it taught you a valuable lesson that you will not forget that fast.
You wouldn't have known without trying and now you know better. Like many said before, focus on yourself for now until you are stable enough again. I know that in such situations everything can look like ruins but I promise you that that is not the case. Take the time until you find your way again. :)