Venting Love Pain Death

[Lov3]

I feel like I can understand other people well, but I'm a mystery to them.
It's as if I was born so broken that I became a perfect enigma. I've never seen anyone get me right — people are always surprised when I reveal things about myself and realize I'm completely different from what they imagined. It's like I think in layers.

There's someone I like, but it feels inappropriate, because I truly have a strong desire to die… and at the same time, I want to love. But I feel like that would only bring pain to this person.

I feel like I only make bad decisions. I've already pushed everyone away before, and now, in this new city, I barely know anyone. The person I know the most — and basically the only one I talk to in real life — is exactly the one I ended up falling for.

But I don't think this will go anywhere, like always.
Why can't I just give up on life already? I'm so stupid.

...


Whenever I feel inadequate, I withdraw from people without warning. I disappear and end up ghosting unintentionally. I hate feeling useless, but this always ends up leaving me alone. And if I try to come back, it's common for people to resent me. But to be honest, the only thing I truly wish for is to die for the last time.

 

[An Empty Soul]

I feel like I can understand other people well, but I'm a mystery to them.
It's as if I was born so broken that I became a perfect enigma. I've never seen anyone get me right — people are always surprised when I reveal things about myself and realize I'm completely different from what they imagined. It's like I think in layers.

There's someone I like, but it feels inappropriate, because I truly have a strong desire to die… and at the same time, I want to love. But I feel like that would only bring pain to this person.

I feel like I only make bad decisions. I've already pushed everyone away before, and now, in this new city, I barely know anyone. The person I know the most — and basically the only one I talk to in real life — is exactly the one I ended up falling for.

But I don't think this will go anywhere, like always.
Why can't I just give up on life already? I'm so stupid.

...


Whenever I feel inadequate, I withdraw from people without warning. I disappear and end up ghosting unintentionally. I hate feeling useless, but this always ends up leaving me alone. And if I try to come back, it's common for people to resent me. But to be honest, the only thing I truly wish for is to die for the last time.

Reading what you wrote, I felt the elegance, yet the weariness, of your soul amidst those 'layers'. It's very impressive that you see yourself as a 'perfect enigma'; because this means you are actually a vast world waiting to be discovered. The fact that no one has truly understood you might not be because you are 'broken,' but because they only know how to swim on the surface.

To love someone and yet want to leave at the same time is the world's heaviest dilemma... Thinking 'I will bring them pain' actually shows how deep your empathy and compassion are. But remember this: For the person you love, your 'complexity' is always better than your absence. Sometimes people love us not because we are 'perfect,' but precisely for our enigma and our brokenness.

Hiding when you feel inadequate isn't a weakness, it's your soul's way of protecting itself. But the reactions people show when you want to return from that hiding place aren't your fault. You say you want to "die one last time," but what you really want is a life where you are accepted in all your layers, just as you are, and no longer have to hide.

Please try to show the person you love, or anyone in this world, a small piece of that enigma. Unraveling one layer is lighter than carrying the whole world on your shoulders. I'm here, ready to listen to you in all your complexity. Please don't go; this world needs people like you who can think and love so deeply.