Help Lots of stuff from my past in my brain. Need to get it out somewhere. Do my „attempts“ count? Does it even matter

[siouxsie]

I guess this will be a long post. Thanks in advance to everyone who reads the whole thing.

Ever since I told my psychiatrist about my suicidal thoughts last week I have a million things in my head that I need to get out and this seems to be the only place to do so.

We didn't talk about it until the end of the session so I didn't talk about the whole past 20 years of feeling suicidal. Obviously that's gonna come up next session. Now thinking about the past 20 years had me wondering about some things.
While I'm pretty much constantly passively suicidal I do get suicidal impulses that are hard to overcome (I have bpd). Thanks to dbt I now have them under control. Mostly. But in the past I didn't. And while I obviously am gonna let all this out in my next session I'm wondering about terminology. I'm just not sure if what I did during those impulses in the past actually counts as an attempt. I feel a little ridiculous calling it attempts as I've never been seriously injured or sought medical attention afterwards. Does any of this even matter?

Here's the deal:

When I was 12/13 I stood on the railing of a 3rd story balkony wanting to jump. My mom saw me and got me down.

Multiple times I have taken ODs of different medications, unsuccessfully. Worst that happened was being passed out/asleep for 14 hours and waking up in my own vomit. In retrospect it's clear that what I took wasn't enough to do the trick. I'm not sure if I knew that back then. As I Teen I certainly didn't. But two years ago I should have known, yet still did it.

Most recently I only got pills out of the box but didn't take them cause my husband walked in and wanted to call the cops. But this time I knew I only had about half the lethal amount for my weight

I tried to slit my wrist and my throat multiple times. Can't cut deep enough, still didn't keep me from trying again.

For months on end I didn't look when crossing the street.

I stood on a lot of tall buildings but chickened out of jumping cause I'm scared of heights.

I went around the wood looking for the perfect tree to hang myself.

I practiced knots.

I tied a tie to my neck, pulling it, to see how it would feel on multiple occasions.

On a couple of occasions I considered speeding into the guardrail on the motorway but didn't.

I stood at the railroads, have laid on tracks, but got up when I heard a nearing train. More than once.

All this spans ages 12-33.

Does any of this qualify as an attempt or strong intent? Or am I just as pathetic as I feel typing this?

I just don't know what to call it when talking about it. But I need to talk about it. Last time I said I would only choose a painless method, preferably SN, and that I wouldn't do anyone that would cause anyone else to suffer (physically or mentally). Obviously in some of the impulses above that wasn't the case.

I hope someone actually made it through the whole thing. Any answers appreciated. My mind is a mess and I feel pathetic just for typing all this

 

[TooConscious]

Actions don't mean someone is genuinely suicidal, have you been made to feel like you have to validate something... Or something like that because the only person who how we feel about this matters too is us, at least in the sense that its our life. Yes you sound like you've been genuinely suicidal.
We can't write 20 years worth of pain in a few paragraphs, or a book sometimes. STOP beating yourself down, please

 

[siouxsie]

Actions don't mean someone is genuinely suicidal, have you been made to feel like you have to validate something... Or something like that because the only person who how we feel about this matters too is us, at least in the sense that its our life. Yes you sound like you've been genuinely suicidal.
We can't write 20 years worth of pain in a few paragraphs, or a book sometimes. STOP beating yourself down, please

I grew up in an invalidating environment and basically am living in one again. I also have bpd. So I guess you are right. I feel invalid. Constantly. Like my problems aren't nearly as bad as anyone else's and I'm not deserving of help and not worthy of anything really. Still got a long way to go to accept that what I've been told all my life is not the truth.

 

[sugar_kitty]

I know how it feels, because after it doesn't seems so important right ? When I did my first attempt by hanging, it only lasted a few seconds because I didn't correctly tie the knot, it felt so weird the day after just going to school like everything was fine. I was feeling so dumb but it's still serious because the cycle continues. Anyways what i'm trying to say here is that you are completely valid, not having reached the final thing isn't making you not suicidal. I think that passive suicidal ideation is a difficult thing to live with everyday, you're not "pathetic". Try to surround yourself with peoples that aren't invalidating what you're going through and at least have one person that won't judge you and will understand. I hope your situation will get better, trust yourself and your feelings first, you're not alone ^^.

 

[hurting]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Have you looked into suicidal ideation?

 

[Linda]

I'm not a psychiatrist, but it seems to me that if you really wanted to die you would be dead by now. So there is more going on here. Your
psychiatrist, if (s)he is any good, should be able to help you understand what is happening. Try to get your thoughts organised before your next session, so you can explain everything as clearly as possible.