Venting Lots of feelings lately - too much, nothing, and guilt

[Rue89]

I'm feeling really guilty. Yesterday I found out that my grandma died, and I feel nothing. I can't cry about it. I can't seem to muster up any emotions. She lived across the country; I haven't seen her in years, and rarely talked to her over the phone, the last time being on Christmas. But still she's my grandma, she's family. I should feel at least sad. I feel like an awful person.

I hate these ever-changing feelings I have about my ctb by SN. One day I'm really calm when I'm thinking about it, then the next I'm having really bad anxiety about discomfort from and possibly pain from SN, then another day I'm desperately wanting to drink it right that second. Ugh this sucks. I hope that on ctb day I'll feel calm, but from past experience that's probably asking a lot.

I was thinking about ctb this week, but I made a commitment to take care of someone's cat over the weekend. I know that my death will always inconvenience someone, and I've done this before, holding off to do things for others, but I'm trying to affect as few people as possible, especially people outside my family who don't need to be dragged into this. Am I stupid for doing this? Well I'm going to use this time to clean out my room a bit more and spend lots of time with my cat. Hopefully it will all be over soon.

 

[Haruko]

I feel like an awful person.

I do not think you are an awful person. Not crying or not feeling anything does not mean you are bad. An uncountable number of people die everyday and no one notices them unless they know them personally.

The bad feeling humans get when a family member dies is just an instinct (at least this is what I believe), an egoist instinct. When someone dies, he does not necessarily go to a "bad place"; if you are a believer, you can say he's going to the heaven; if you're a non-believer, you can say he's gone back to the nothingness, which is something I would think to be positive and good, since he'll no longer have to endure a meaningless life.

As you can see, the deceased person is not harmed in anyway, I would even argue that he's the winner (but that's just a personal preference). The ones who lose are his family and friends. For example, if the deceased was a father, then his children will find themselves without a parental figure who will bring food to their table; for his friends, they will lose a person with whom they could have had a "fun time", etc...
I think you get my idea by now. What I am saying is that when someone dies, the feeling of piety and pain is purely egoistic and has nothing to do with being an altruistic and "good" person, but humans make it look as if they are indeed sorry for the deceased and not for themselves. And that is completely natural.


Another reason why I would say you are not a "bad person" is that you have shown signs of empathy and understanding of other humans emotions by taking care of someone's cat and not wanting to drag them into your problems. Although I do not necessarily believe that empathy is something that makes humans "good", most humans do endorse the values of empathy and altruism and label them as good.


As for you temper and your mental state, I think you should not get carried by your emotions. If you decide to ctb, I believe it is best to be calm and not rush things, because whenever you commit suicide, it is always too late, so at least make sure you are convinced and determined before you commit any act.

Much love my friend, take it easy and just chill, and you'll know what you want to do with your life.

 

[XYZ]

I am sorry for your loss!

There is no guidebook for how to feel when someone passes away. If you weren't very close and didn't meet very often, I think it's "normal" (sorry, can't find a better word) to not be distraught.

You are not an awful person.

 

[Panna]

Are you emotionally stunted? If so I am similar, I have seen both my grandmothers die and not felt anything, my grandpa and a cousin, but if I force myself to think about why I was attached to them, (the good memories) and think about how I won't be able to do things with them anymore, essentially it helps to make a forced emotional connection.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I don't cry when family and friends die, either. But, stupidly, I'll get teary eyed when someone like David Bowie or Delores O'Riordan dies. I don't know why.
You're not a bad person. It's just another symptom of the human condition.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

I'm sorry to hear about your grandma's passing. But intrinsically, it doesn't make you a bad person not to cry. If you two had a closer bond, I'm sure the tears would come easily. You feel remorse and I sense your capacity for compassion given what you've said.

As for CTB, you'll know when you're ready. That being said, it's rarely an easy decision for anyone. I hope you find your peace in some way. I'm happy to talk if you need an ear.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry for your loss. Everyone handles grief differently. Give yourself and your cat some love and time to figure out what you want.

 

[Stick]

When my Grandpa died, my Mom didn't cry. She didn't feel sad, she simply went on life as normal. But soon, she would find herself trying to call him on his birthday, only to realize he was gone. She would think about him at work, and not be able to process it. She was affected by him, but not in a stereotypical way.
Like @Haruko said, the sadness one feels after someone passes a way is a "selfish" kind of sadness, it is because a death is a shock to your system and it takes time to process. It's possible that as someone who is more comfortable with death by being on this site, that it is not quite a "shock". You were able to process the event emotionally much faster than other people, and that is a process separate from your ability to appreciate or love your grandma. She didn't have a huge impact on your life on a daily basis, so not much has changed for you. This does not mean you didn't respect her or that you are a bad person, it's just what it is.
Also, my emotions about suicide change day to day as well. Sometimes it's the only thing I want, sometimes it scares me. All of your feelings right now are normal. They aren't "good", but they aren't wrong to feel. You aren't an awful person.

 

[Rue89]

Are you emotionally stunted? If so I am similar, I have seen both my grandmothers die and not felt anything, my grandpa and a cousin, but if I force myself to think about why I was attached to them, (the good memories) and think about how I won't be able to do things with them anymore, essentially it helps to make a forced emotional connection.

I don't think I am. Now thinking about it maybe it has something to do with my lack of getting attached to people. I'm so used to friends leaving. I'm also not really close to any of my extended family (both my parents have many siblings so large families on both sides). Although none of them live nearby so that's probably why. It's not that we're on bad terms. People coming in and out of my life doesn't really affect me anymore, but I thought family would be different. I thought I'd feel more for my family, especially the death of one of them. It's not like she just "left" like everyone else.