Wrote here a few years back about my suicide attempt.. I'm 27 now. I've seen a therapist since then(for like 2 years, stopped talking to her around february), tried some antidepressants, did shrooms, found a way to get xanax for when im anxious (no, not prescribed, dont worry Im not addicted), found a new girlfriend who is alright I guess. She's hot but I guess I'm not really totally sold on her personality.. She has BPD, need I say more?. We've been together for 2 years I think (internet girlfriend - yes I did cheat on her, I know, bad, judge me all you want).
Went through 3 years where I basically had no job, but I don't really need money so I did some traveling, gaming, watching tv shows, movies etc. I'm sure a lot of people would be envious of my position. My problem I think boils down to the fact that I just do not like hanging out with other people. It gives me no pleasure.
But that is also the problem, because I realize I am a human which makes me a social animal. Idk how to fix it.
Anyways, guess I'll share the story of how I lost my virginity at 27. Didnt help me cure any side of my depression, probably because it wasnt really something i was insecure about in the first place really i guess?
I decided I wanted to go into the inner city to a club and try and meet some people. I took a few xannies beforehand because I do get anxious meeting new people. Then ended up meeting a former colleague from like 6-7 years ago. We started talking and basically hung out for the whole night and drank together with his buddies. One of the girls from his friend group there was really into me, and we went to the dancefloor and she started groping me really aggressively while we were dancing, which I reciprocated. Then she went in for a kiss, and I think my retarded kissing technique put her off a bit? because she started backing off, or maybe it was because she was whispering in my ear but I couldn't hear shit of what she said to me and she thought I wasnt into her because I was just smiling to her whenever she said anything. The music was loud AF, what can I say.
So psych, that wasnt the girl I lost my virginity to.
BUT
Then I decided to go out on a monday(like 2 days after), of all days. I went to the bartender and ordered my drink and sat at the table. There were like 4 people in the whole club. I drank up noticed a cute girl going up to the DJ, and he got a bit upset at her. When I walked out I saw her and joked with her about it. Honestly it was kinda a weird night, some dude was yelling at me to piss off because "he knew what I was trying to do" when I talked to her. Long story short, that guy ended up inviting me, her, and 3 other guys to his apartment where we drank a few beers. On the way there this girl asked if I wanted to have sex and if I'd ever tried anal etc, and I joked and said some stuff along the lines of "no way, im not letting you do that to me". After we'd been to this guy apartment for like an hour I asked her if she wanted to go home with me, she said yes and well the rest is history.
Honestly surprising how easy it was to lose my virginity. I look decent so obviously that helped a great deal. I was never really an incel I would say because it's not like I ever tried losing my virginity, and I've had plenty girls try and get with me while I was studying going to parties etc.
I just don't really think the sex was all that special after all. Maybe cause I was drunk I guess?. Pretty sure she wanted round 2 the morning after since she was kissing my and moving closer to me, but I wasnt really feeling it and pretty much just wanted her gone, so I just got up and showered, offered her coffee and breakfast etc which she declined then left
Anyways, yesterday I got a job offer which I accepted (kinda/technically... - it should turn out to be a real job in about a month, its like a trial phase.. But I'm good at what I do so I feel like they will probably hire me full time) but I still feel basically the same way I did back when I tried to hang myself, and for like (7-8)? years now I've had no desire to live and there does not seem to be anything that's helping in that regard.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk
Went through 3 years where I basically had no job, but I don't really need money so I did some traveling, gaming, watching tv shows, movies etc. I'm sure a lot of people would be envious of my position. My problem I think boils down to the fact that I just do not like hanging out with other people. It gives me no pleasure.
But that is also the problem, because I realize I am a human which makes me a social animal. Idk how to fix it.
Anyways, guess I'll share the story of how I lost my virginity at 27. Didnt help me cure any side of my depression, probably because it wasnt really something i was insecure about in the first place really i guess?
I decided I wanted to go into the inner city to a club and try and meet some people. I took a few xannies beforehand because I do get anxious meeting new people. Then ended up meeting a former colleague from like 6-7 years ago. We started talking and basically hung out for the whole night and drank together with his buddies. One of the girls from his friend group there was really into me, and we went to the dancefloor and she started groping me really aggressively while we were dancing, which I reciprocated. Then she went in for a kiss, and I think my retarded kissing technique put her off a bit? because she started backing off, or maybe it was because she was whispering in my ear but I couldn't hear shit of what she said to me and she thought I wasnt into her because I was just smiling to her whenever she said anything. The music was loud AF, what can I say.
So psych, that wasnt the girl I lost my virginity to.
BUT
Then I decided to go out on a monday(like 2 days after), of all days. I went to the bartender and ordered my drink and sat at the table. There were like 4 people in the whole club. I drank up noticed a cute girl going up to the DJ, and he got a bit upset at her. When I walked out I saw her and joked with her about it. Honestly it was kinda a weird night, some dude was yelling at me to piss off because "he knew what I was trying to do" when I talked to her. Long story short, that guy ended up inviting me, her, and 3 other guys to his apartment where we drank a few beers. On the way there this girl asked if I wanted to have sex and if I'd ever tried anal etc, and I joked and said some stuff along the lines of "no way, im not letting you do that to me". After we'd been to this guy apartment for like an hour I asked her if she wanted to go home with me, she said yes and well the rest is history.
Honestly surprising how easy it was to lose my virginity. I look decent so obviously that helped a great deal. I was never really an incel I would say because it's not like I ever tried losing my virginity, and I've had plenty girls try and get with me while I was studying going to parties etc.
I just don't really think the sex was all that special after all. Maybe cause I was drunk I guess?. Pretty sure she wanted round 2 the morning after since she was kissing my and moving closer to me, but I wasnt really feeling it and pretty much just wanted her gone, so I just got up and showered, offered her coffee and breakfast etc which she declined then left
Anyways, yesterday I got a job offer which I accepted (kinda/technically... - it should turn out to be a real job in about a month, its like a trial phase.. But I'm good at what I do so I feel like they will probably hire me full time) but I still feel basically the same way I did back when I tried to hang myself, and for like (7-8)? years now I've had no desire to live and there does not seem to be anything that's helping in that regard.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk
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