Story Lost My Fight

[VolatilePotato]

I've always been a fighter. Throughout every instance, with all that I've been through, I had this innate drive in me to not give up, even when i had no options left. When my back was against the wall, I fought tooth and nail to get out of it. I've been through childhood sexual and physical abuse, foster care, orphanages, treatment, homeless, out of money, out of hope, out of spoons. But I never stopped. And that has brought me here. 30 suicide attempts in 7 years, adding another 12 this year. Multiple near death experiences where I was 20 minutes away from total organ failure. And then last year. I fought for my stability. I went through treatment, got sober and got an apartment. I had an amazing woman who is and was my twin flame. I had a good job. Then, in December, it all fell apart. My gf left me, I lost my job because of an injury, and I am now in danger of being evicted. All at once, and just as suddenly, everything I held near was gone. Violently ripped away as if it was nothing. And..it broke me. I know I could fight again. But I'm so tired, a deep exhaustion in my bones, my soul, my core. I'm tired of struggling for everything. I'm tired of searching for happiness and having it ripped away in chaotic fashion. My fight is gone. I never let anything break me before. But I just...I can't do it anymore when all I have to look forward to is this constant struggle. I can't be strong forever and I dont know why I should be expected to by whoever put me in this forsaken life. I lost my fight.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Oh, I'm so sorry for all your pain, and all that you've gone through. I just want you to know that I care.

 

[VolatilePotato]

People have told me I'm a coward and weak for being suicidal or wanting to die. I want to prove a point to those people that we are not weak. We are stronger than most people. But sometimes, we run dry. It's not cowardice, it's exhaustion. It's the need for pain to subside and finding nothing to do so.

 

[Dear Flabby]

Welcome!
I'm so sorry that life has brought you here.
The pain and struggle are exhausting, and this is a place where you can vent about that and people understand.
Peace and kindness,
Flabs

 

[Esc9434]

People have told me I'm a coward and weak for being suicidal or wanting to die. I want to prove a point to those people that we are not weak. We are stronger than most people. But sometimes, we run dry. It's not cowardice, it's exhaustion. It's the need for pain to subside and finding nothing to do so.

Most people put on fronts. They have never walked in your shoes, so they don't know how you feel. I guess that is called lack of empathy, which is a common trait of the ignorant or personality disordered.

 

[deck of cards]

You're truly a brave soul. I hope whatever happens to you next, you'll be able to overcome.

 

[theguineapigking]

Hey man. I'm so sorry to hear of the pain you've had to endure. I really am.


You're not cowardly or weak,etc. The people that say that are stupid and ignorant,and that's a fact. They can't fathom the concept that other people out there don't have the same perfect little life that they have. So they are incapable of getting past their own ignorance to see that suicide isn't always bad. Every person has a right to end their own life,period.(it gets emotionally technical if you're a parent or someone directly relies on you. But you still have a moral right.) I totally get just being exhausted. I mean logically,life is pointless. So if you're born in a life you didn't give consent to,and you really don't feel like life is worth it,it totally makes sense to want to just die/end a life full of suffering.


Dude,you just have to try to ignore those idiots. The world is unfortunately ruled by stupid people though,which makes it harder.


Do you have any family or friends that you can confide it? Have you tried any medicines for your mental state? I know meds are overrated,trust me. But they do help some people want to live and can reduce mental suffering. But you know yourself better than anyone else. You'd have to decide if your life has any value left for you or not.


I'm so sorry to hear about your gf leaving you. That happens all to often nowadays. Maybe there is someone else out there that would truly connect with you in the long run?





If you need to talk at all,I'm here. Feel free to respond if you want :)

 

[VolatilePotato]

Hey man. I'm so sorry to hear of the pain you've had to endure. I really am.


You're not cowardly or weak,etc. The people that say that are stupid and ignorant,and that's a fact. They can't fathom the concept that other people out there don't have the same perfect little life that they have. So they are incapable of getting past their own ignorance to see that suicide isn't always bad. Every person has a right to end their own life,period.(it gets emotionally technical if you're a parent or someone directly relies on you. But you still have a moral right.) I totally get just being exhausted. I mean logically,life is pointless. So if you're born in a life you didn't give consent to,and you really don't feel like life is worth it,it totally makes sense to want to just die/end a life full of suffering.


Dude,you just have to try to ignore those idiots. The world is unfortunately ruled by stupid people though,which makes it harder.


Do you have any family or friends that you can confide it? Have you tried any medicines for your mental state? I know meds are overrated,trust me. But they do help some people want to live and can reduce mental suffering. But you know yourself better than anyone else. You'd have to decide if your life has any value left for you or not.


I'm so sorry to hear about your gf leaving you. That happens all to often nowadays. Maybe there is someone else out there that would truly connect with you in the long run?





If you need to talk at all,I'm here. Feel free to respond if you want :)

I absolutely agree, and a lot of people close to me don't understand me wanting to die. I'm not very close with my family, and my friends have been supportive of either side once I explain to them where I'm at mentally. I just..I have no energy. I've tried meds, therapy, treatment, etc and I just feel like a lost cause. I appreciate your understanding and it's nice to know I can speak my truth without being judged

 

[theguineapigking]

I absolutely agree, and a lot of people close to me don't understand me wanting to die. I'm not very close with my family, and my friends have been supportive of either side once I explain to them where I'm at mentally. I just..I have no energy. I've tried meds, therapy, treatment, etc and I just feel like a lost cause. I appreciate your understanding and it's nice to know I can speak my truth without being judged

Hey man. It's no problem at all. That's one of the best parts about this forum : most pople don't judge on here. It's all about being a community and helping others and being helped if needed.


Some people are just wired in a way that meds and therapy just don't help. I know I can't make your pain go away. But at least I can listen to you. It can be really nice to vent. You don't have to judge yourself for not being "tough" or being "weak" or whatever. You're strong for having endured all this pain for so many years. I hope I don't make it to your age personally. Im 7 years away. But then again,I thought I'd end it when I was 16. You've made it farther than I would've.


At least you do have friends. I wish you had someone close that you could truly confide in,yet they'd understand and 100% be there for you.(The way you worded it made it seem like you have some friends that understand somewhat but aren't there for you as much as you'd hope- that's at least how I perceived it)

Like I said,I'm here if you want to talk at all. No judgement. Just agreeing with you or listening. Feel free to pm me or just reply anytime,even tonight.







I'd suggest watching South Park or family guy type shows if you're into that type of stuff. It can really distract you and help in the short run. Right now I'm watching bob's burgers for the first time. It seems pretty goofy.

I wish you the best in the meantime man.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

People have told me I'm a coward and weak for being suicidal or wanting to die

That's because they don't see all the years that you fought before getting to this point. How could they understand? You are clearly a strong individual but no-one has infinite depths of strength. Only you know your story and that is a very lonely place to be.
You'll not get judged here, but you will find people who can understand and relate. It won't magically solve your problems but it may help you feel less misunderstood.

 

[VolatilePotato]

Hey man. It's no problem at all. That's one of the best parts about this forum : most pople don't judge on here. It's all about being a community and helping others and being helped if needed.


Some people are just wired in a way that meds and therapy just don't help. I know I can't make your pain go away. But at least I can listen to you. It can be really nice to vent. You don't have to judge yourself for not being "tough" or being "weak" or whatever. You're strong for having endured all this pain for so many years. I hope I don't make it to your age personally. Im 7 years away. But then again,I thought I'd end it when I was 16. You've made it farther than I would've.


At least you do have friends. I wish you had someone close that you could truly confide in,yet they'd understand and 100% be there for you.(The way you worded it made it seem like you have some friends that understand somewhat but aren't there for you as much as you'd hope- that's at least how I perceived it)

Like I said,I'm here if you want to talk at all. No judgement. Just agreeing with you or listening. Feel free to pm me or just reply anytime,even tonight.







I'd suggest watching South Park or family guy type shows if you're into that type of stuff. It can really distract you and help in the short run. Right now I'm watching bob's burgers for the first time. It seems pretty goofy.

I wish you the best in the meantime man.

The way you perceived it was absolutely correct. There is such an emphasis on loving and being alive, but what if all life is is struggle? And I'm sorry you're dealing with the same stuff. My first suicide attempt was when I was 8 years old. I think even then I knew subconsciously I was in for a rough time without fully understanding everything. When I was younger, around 21, 22, I made a pact with myself that if things ever got bad, I would just end it. I've tried I guess to no avail, which someveould take as a sign. I see it as a curse.

My favorite thing to watch when I feel this way is Game Grumps. They're a let's play channel on YouTube and 2 of my favorite people on this planet. They always make me laugh when I fomt want to. I also love the shows you listed as well, sounds like you have good taste in humor

That's because they don't see all the years that you fought before getting to this point. How could they understand? You are clearly a strong individual but no-one has infinite depths of strength. Only you know your story and that is a very lonely place to be.
You'll not get judged here, but you will find people who can understand and relate. It won't magically solve your problems but it may help you feel less misunderstood.

That means a lot, and I'm sure a lot of people here are just as strong. I know what it takes for someone to get to the point of giving up. If anyone else is there, I can only imagine the level of pain they experience.

And yeah, it can be lonely. I've always longed for the understanding of others and really only found it once.

 

[Soul]

@VolatilePotato, no one can keep fighting endlessly. Even machines break down if they don't get rest and a tune-up once in a while. You've had way too much serious stuff dumped on you and of course you're knocked off your stride.

It sounds like your housing situation needs immediate attention — do you have somewhere you can stay long enough to recuperate a little?

(((Hugs)))

 

[VolatilePotato]

@VolatilePotato, no one can keep fighting endlessly. Even machines break down if they don't get rest and a tune-up once in a while. You've had way too much serious stuff dumped on you and of course you're knocked off your stride.

It sounds like your housing situation needs immediate attention — do you have somewhere you can stay long enough to recuperate a little?

(((Hugs)))

That's exactly it.

And yeah, I'm actually trying to get into treatment now, and staying with a friend til I get in. I guess the fight doesn't stop. But in the meantime I'm also attempting more. So idk it's a conflicting place

 

[MarluxiaX2]

I've always been a fighter. Throughout every instance, with all that I've been through, I had this innate drive in me to not give up, even when i had no options left. When my back was against the wall, I fought tooth and nail to get out of it. I've been through childhood sexual and physical abuse, foster care, orphanages, treatment, homeless, out of money, out of hope, out of spoons. But I never stopped. And that has brought me here. 30 suicide attempts in 7 years, adding another 12 this year. Multiple near death experiences where I was 20 minutes away from total organ failure. And then last year. I fought for my stability. I went through treatment, got sober and got an apartment. I had an amazing woman who is and was my twin flame. I had a good job. Then, in December, it all fell apart. My gf left me, I lost my job because of an injury, and I am now in danger of being evicted. All at once, and just as suddenly, everything I held near was gone. Violently ripped away as if it was nothing. And..it broke me. I know I could fight again. But I'm so tired, a deep exhaustion in my bones, my soul, my core. I'm tired of struggling for everything. I'm tired of searching for happiness and having it ripped away in chaotic fashion. My fight is gone. I never let anything break me before. But I just...I can't do it anymore when all I have to look forward to is this constant struggle. I can't be strong forever and I dont know why I should be expected to by whoever put me in this forsaken life. I lost my fight.

Jesus man, my heart bleeds for you so much right now dude... That is a horrible situation and I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now. I've just lost my job and partner too, but I can't relate to some of your past traumas however. I honestly don't know what else to say except that I'm sorry with what's happening to you. Life is shit man

 

[Soul]

That's exactly it.

And yeah, I'm actually trying to get into treatment now, and staying with a friend til I get in. I guess the fight doesn't stop. But in the meantime I'm also attempting more. So idk it's a conflicting place

Good to hear you can stay with a friend and that you're seeking treatment. As for attempting ... Please be gentle with yourself, ok? Something keeps wanting me to suggest you might try some kind of meditation or chanting as a positive practice to calm and strengthen you. x

 

[theguineapigking]

The way you perceived it was absolutely correct. There is such an emphasis on loving and being alive, but what if all life is is struggle? And I'm sorry you're dealing with the same stuff. My first suicide attempt was when I was 8 years old. I think even then I knew subconsciously I was in for a rough time without fully understanding everything. When I was younger, around 21, 22, I made a pact with myself that if things ever got bad, I would just end it. I've tried I guess to no avail, which someveould take as a sign. I see it as a curse.

My favorite thing to watch when I feel this way is Game Grumps. They're a let's play channel on YouTube and 2 of my favorite people on this planet. They always make me laugh when I fomt want to. I also love the shows you listed as well, sounds like you have good taste in humor

That means a lot, and I'm sure a lot of people here are just as strong. I know what it takes for someone to get to the point of giving up. If anyone else is there, I can only imagine the level of pain they experience.

And yeah, it can be lonely. I've always longed for the understanding of others and really only found it once.

I've never heard of that channel before. I wonder if I'd like it. What do you like about it?

South Park,American dad,the simpsons,Rick and morty,futurama,family guy,impractical jokers.. these are all really goofy shows. It's nice to see you agree with my sense of humor,haha. Have you heard of/watched any others I mentioned?


FYI valerian root is a natural relaxer. Its used in tea sometimes. It's over the counter, at least in the USA,and it's pretty affective for me. It just calms you down a bit and can help with the anxiety or jump-out-of-skin feeling. Kava is another similar to valerian. Personally though,kava makes me tired. Both do calm me down though. It's always something you could try.

 

[VolatilePotato]

Good to hear you can stay with a friend and that you're seeking treatment. As for attempting ... Please be gentle with yourself, ok? Something keeps wanting me to suggest you might try some kind of meditation or chanting as a positive practice to calm and strengthen you. x

I'm definitely open to any kind of calming techniques. I've been on meds for years, and still feel this way..recently I've turned to other sources. Been researching paganism principles of meditation, spellwork, etc. It sounds dumb and I'm fairly new to it, but it brings a little peace

I've never heard of that channel before. I wonder if I'd like it. What do you like about it?

South Park,American dad,the simpsons,Rick and morty,futurama,family guy,impractical jokers.. these are all really goofy shows. It's nice to see you agree with my sense of humor,haha. Have you heard of/watched any others I mentioned?

I love ALL of those shows!

Game Grumps is amazing. They play new games as well as retro games, and if you like goofy humor, they are definitely it. I've been watching them for 3 years, and they are just good people

 

[Otter]

I've always been a fighter. Throughout every instance, with all that I've been through, I had this innate drive in me to not give up, even when i had no options left. When my back was against the wall, I fought tooth and nail to get out of it. I've been through childhood sexual and physical abuse, foster care, orphanages, treatment, homeless, out of money, out of hope, out of spoons. But I never stopped. And that has brought me here. 30 suicide attempts in 7 years, adding another 12 this year. Multiple near death experiences where I was 20 minutes away from total organ failure. And then last year. I fought for my stability. I went through treatment, got sober and got an apartment. I had an amazing woman who is and was my twin flame. I had a good job. Then, in December, it all fell apart. My gf left me, I lost my job because of an injury, and I am now in danger of being evicted. All at once, and just as suddenly, everything I held near was gone. Violently ripped away as if it was nothing. And..it broke me. I know I could fight again. But I'm so tired, a deep exhaustion in my bones, my soul, my core. I'm tired of struggling for everything. I'm tired of searching for happiness and having it ripped away in chaotic fashion. My fight is gone. I never let anything break me before. But I just...I can't do it anymore when all I have to look forward to is this constant struggle. I can't be strong forever and I dont know why I should be expected to by whoever put me in this forsaken life. I lost my fight.

I totally get what you're saying. I tried to describe to my sister what it felt like. I told her it was like being in a swirling whirlpool and you've been able to stay afloat for hours and hours. you're constantly reaching your hand in the air for someone to grab it. But there's no one there and I am totally exhausted

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey luv..u have clearly been thru alot n have had ur share of pain..idc who wants to call u weak, ur very strong to have endured so much...

U r truly a fighter, n its quite obvious...Ur fighting spirit has even made it difficult for u to successfully ctb..Ur body, will, n spirit fights even ur ability to end ur life.

All of those unsuccessful attempts tell me possibly ur will to live is much stronger than ur will to die..Keep fighting my friend...

 

[VolatilePotato]

Hey luv..u have clearly been thru alot n have had ur share of pain..idc who wants to call u weak, ur very strong to have endured so much...

U r truly a fighter, n its quite obvious...Ur fighting spirit has even made it difficult for u to successfully ctb..Ur body, will, n spirit fights even ur ability to end ur life.

All of those unsuccessful attempts tell me possibly ur will to live is much stronger than ur will to die..Keep fighting my friend...

Thank you, that means a lot❤ and you're probably right. As frustrating as it is, something in me still fights