Venting Lost in my thoughts, debating ctb

[musie]

My boyfriend of 4, almost 5 years and I went long distance this year. He's not going to be back for another year or maybe even longer. I've noticed him being increasingly more distant. What upsets me the most is that I always inquire about his day and how he's feeling, yet he never asks me about mine. It feels one-sided, like he doesn't care about me. He's the only person I have to talk to, so I've been lost in my thoughts. I haven't had a good day in a while. I feel like life isn't worth living anymore. What's the point? I've been thinking, maybe I should ctb while my boyfriend is still away, while he's more distant than ever. I love him and I don't want him to hurt, even if he hurts me. I was planning to ctb regardless, so maybe now is a good time. I have no idea, though, and I don't even know what a good method would be. Even though I'm suicidal, I'm incredibly scared of death.