Venting Lost and Alone

[TheLostCause]

Where to start.
Basically i feel ive lost my only friends and i didnt have many to begin with.
One hasnt replied to me since the start of the year, even when i wished them happy birthday, they read the messages but dont reply.
Another i have lost all trust i had in them, they rang me yesterday acting like nothing has happened, yet im in bits. I want to cut them off but i dont really know how to and they have some things ive lent them that i want back first.
And my other friend has been pressuing me to do things i don't want to and i give in because its either that or i put up with them constantly asking over and over ignoring the fact i say no. Atleast giving in i get a break from them asking for a while.
Ive literally noone left, just me and my dog.

I want to ctb but i have no method, i always default to overdosing and ive tried that so many times ive lost count, it always ends with me in hospital instead. And the last one was awful and the hospital staff were just as bad and even left me to walk miles home at 10pm at night in my pjs. I thought about my prescription meds, they just increased them from 7 days at a time to 28 so its much easier for me to get a good stock going. Im wondering if i try swap them to something else but dont take them a mixture would be more effective than just a large stock of one med.

Ive thought about jumping from a bridge but i cant find an ideal bridge close to me. One i found i tried a while back but i couldnt get over the tall fence in the dark and there's no way round the sides. Plus i have a fear of heights which puts me off because i dont know if i could get myself to jump and i barely leave the house due to anxiety so bridge hunting is very difficult.

I have no access to SN or guns.

I also have the problem of my dog, i could never leave her fending for herself. In the past i thought about a card in my phone with my friends contact number in it should anything happen to me but since the issues with my friend thats not an option. Although i could use the friend whos pressuing me, hmm. They wouldnt be able to look after her but atleast someone would know and not let her fend for herself.

Im literally at a total loss what to do. I want to ctb but im hesitant to do so incase i fail all over again. I dont want to end up in hospital again.

I had been quite positive for a little while, it was nice, the meds were helping (first ones ive tried after years of swapping that actually helped and they have shit side effects that only seem to get worse rather than better) but i had to stop taking them because i was throwing up on a daily basis, i tried to get better but everything still came crashing down. Its like life doesnt want me to be happy. No matter how hard i try to improve something fucks me over and i go back to feeling like shit all the time. Ive lost my friends, i dont really speak to family that often, i live alone, money is a struggle, my moods so low, i dont enjoy anything and each day feels like an eternity of suffering.

I dont know what i expect from this post, i just need to vent and be heard.

 

[makethepainstop]

Where to start.
Basically i feel ive lost my only friends and i didnt have many to begin with.
One hasnt replied to me since the start of the year, even when i wished them happy birthday, they read the messages but dont reply.
Another i have lost all trust i had in them, they rang me yesterday acting like nothing has happened, yet im in bits. I want to cut them off but i dont really know how to and they have some things ive lent them that i want back first.
And my other friend has been pressuing me to do things i don't want to and i give in because its either that or i put up with them constantly asking over and over ignoring the fact i say no. Atleast giving in i get a break from them asking for a while.
Ive literally noone left, just me and my dog.

I want to ctb but i have no method, i always default to overdosing and ive tried that so many times ive lost count, it always ends with me in hospital instead. And the last one was awful and the hospital staff were just as bad and even left me to walk miles home at 10pm at night in my pjs. I thought about my prescription meds, they just increased them from 7 days at a time to 28 so its much easier for me to get a good stock going. Im wondering if i try swap them to something else but dont take them a mixture would be more effective than just a large stock of one med.

Ive thought about jumping from a bridge but i cant find an ideal bridge close to me. One i found i tried a while back but i couldnt get over the tall fence in the dark and there's no way round the sides. Plus i have a fear of heights which puts me off because i dont know if i could get myself to jump and i barely leave the house due to anxiety so bridge hunting is very difficult.

I have no access to SN or guns.

I also have the problem of my dog, i could never leave her fending for herself. In the past i thought about a card in my phone with my friends contact number in it should anything happen to me but since the issues with my friend thats not an option. Although i could use the friend whos pressuing me, hmm. They wouldnt be able to look after her but atleast someone would know and not let her fend for herself.

Im literally at a total loss what to do. I want to ctb but im hesitant to do so incase i fail all over again. I dont want to end up in hospital again.

I had been quite positive for a little while, it was nice, the meds were helping (first ones ive tried after years of swapping that actually helped and they have shit side effects that only seem to get worse rather than better) but i had to stop taking them because i was throwing up on a daily basis, i tried to get better but everything still came crashing down. Its like life doesnt want me to be happy. No matter how hard i try to improve something fucks me over and i go back to feeling like shit all the time. Ive lost my friends, i dont really speak to family that often, i live alone, money is a struggle, my moods so low, i dont enjoy anything and each day feels like an eternity of suffering.

I dont know what i expect from this post, i just need to vent and be

 

[FuneralCry]

Life does just seem to be endless suffering with no real relief and it can certainly be tiring. I understand having limited access of ways to leave this world, it really is unfair how it's so hard to leave this life behind. I get that it can be dreadful wanting to be gone yet feeling like you are trapped here with no escape. It sounds like you have been through a lot and I'm sorry that you have had to endure all this.
I wish you the best.

 

[lifeisadream]

It's really awful when you put your trust in friends then they go & let you down or ignore you. It's horrible that's happened to you. Also, your friend shouldn't place any pressure on you to do things. Instead they should be patient with you & be understanding if you're not up for doing what they want. Maybe they should ask you what you want to do.

Words fail me that the hospital left you that way. I'm glad you did get home safely, no thanks to them.

It does seem that so many methods are out of reach & we're left to suffer or hunt other methods to end it. It's so very wrong that you're left trying to find a bridge or seek out another place to ctb.

I've got cats & can understand your concerns about your dog. Obviously I don't know which country you are in but are there any animal rescue centres which could take your dog if you do choose to ctb?

Life really is cruel. I know this won't help you but I really want to give you a big hug. It's so clear you're really suffering & feeling as though no one cares. I know I don't know you but I do care because your story has really touched me

 

[stevegnash]

It's weird to be on here wishing someone felt better when I have lost all hope myself. maybe you could put your dog up for adoption?

 

[TheLostCause]

It's really awful when you put your trust in friends then they go & let you down or ignore you. It's horrible that's happened to you. Also, your friend shouldn't place any pressure on you to do things. Instead they should be patient with you & be understanding if you're not up for doing what they want. Maybe they should ask you what you want to do.

Words fail me that the hospital left you that way. I'm glad you did get home safely, no thanks to them.

It does seem that so many methods are out of reach & we're left to suffer or hunt other methods to end it. It's so very wrong that you're left trying to find a bridge or seek out another place to ctb.

I've got cats & can understand your concerns about your dog. Obviously I don't know which country you are in but are there any animal rescue centres which could take your dog if you do choose to ctb?

Life really is cruel. I know this won't help you but I really want to give you a big hug. It's so clear you're really suffering & feeling as though no one cares. I know I don't know you but I do care because your story has really touched me

Yea i dont make friends easily, being let down by them hurts like a bitch and i know i wont make other friends as the only 2 friends ive made for the last 10 years were both persistent in the fact they wanted to be my friend and now i dont leave the house unless i have to so i wont be meeting any new people im too scared of people.

Yea the hospital was shit, only ever had 1 positive experience in hospital out of the many times ive been.

I cant use an animal rescue as the dog used to be my friends and they come see her or ask how she is often. There would also be a wait so i cant like take her the day before i ctb and any earlier people would get suspicious as to why ive given her away and i would have backlash from the person whos dog it used to be. As selfish as it is i would rather someone else deal with her because i just couldnt have the heartbreak of giving her away, i want her with me until the last possible moment. Shes my baby and it will hurt enough knowing im leaving her.

It's weird to be on here wishing someone felt better when I have lost all hope myself. maybe you could put your dog up for adoption?

Im so sorry you have lost hope, sending some hugs your way.

 

[stevegnash]

I feel for you. It's hard to let people down and pets, too.