Venting lost all my hope to continue living today

[cherrysquick]

just wanted to vent and i don't have a safe space to do it outside of this forum. sorry for any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language and i've been crying and shaking non stop for two hours lol

i'm in my worst depressive episode ever rn and decided that i want to cbt during the summer, somewhere around the end of july, if things don't get better. my last ounce of hope was apologizing to my ex and the people i've hurt in the past since i thought it'll make me feel better and maybe reconsider.
it did the exact opposite.
i got half-assed replies from all of them. i specifically asked to tell me what things hurt them so i can change for better. they avoided the question completely and brushed it off as "the way i acted after the break-up" and "negativity". i feel like the apologies did more harm than good, i've been overthinking everything that could've possibly hurt them since i didn't get a clear reply. they don't want to maintain any contact with me and at this point everyone i know in real life either hates me or doesn't want to go beyond being acquaintances. i pushed most people away or they did it themselves. i lost all my hope and support system
needless to say i started preparing stuff for my cbt and i take it more seriously now - it's not an option anymore, but a solid plan. once i get paid i'm gonna order SN and ask around for the other necessary stuff since they're prescription-only in poland. i still have at least two months to think this through and get everything done, but after today i've come to terms with the fact that i most likely won't be here anymore after the summer - it's scary but really comforting at the same time.

if anyone ends up reading this entire thing thank you and hope you have a good day. xx

 

[Not.Flugel]

I am sorry you had to go through this and the way your "friends" treat you.
I feel you, especially since that the main reason I want to ctb too, so sorry for not having any soothing words.

 

[Fktw0rld]

Reading your vent was like reading something I would have typed in my current situation, minus the apologizing to my ex. It definitely does sting a little when you reach out for conversation and no one cares. I've encountered it quite a few times over the past few weeks due to my current mindset as well. One of them being my best friend of 20 plus years. I put a couple feelers out and nothing. Just convo enders in return. Fuck em. They can love me or hate me at this point. It isn't gonna matter to me soon. The thought of making an exit from this shithole world and poisonous, backstabbing, two faced society is my only peaceful thought. Can't say I didn't try.

 

[Valky]

Screw them then. You can't do more than apologise to them and try to change for the better. If they don't want to help you with that, then that is on them and not you. I really wish you all the strength and all the best, whatever you decide to do! <3

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all you cannot rely on other people in this cruel world, it's just the way that things are, other people very often just make existing much worse. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans, I understand why you would find the thought of being gone to be comforting, in this hellish world death certainly is the only relief.

 

[blvck]

same
... I'm sorry you are going through this.
i have an addiction and had a very bad episode this month which is going to cause me to lose everything. There's no point in me going on anymore. I hate myself so much

 

[Bleedingheartbeat]

Hey I'm sorry for what you're going through. This really is a time of transition for you.. transition into an afterlife (if there is one) at the end... or transition into a new phase in your life where you can find your tribe. The people who'll stick close to you no matter what. Your chosen family. That's really the dream that's keeping me going. But that's if you decide to stay. Whatever you decide we're here. I'm cheering for you!

 

[cherrysquick]

quick update - thank you all for the kind words, i was too anxious and exhausted to check this thread yesterday but reading all the replies made me smile. i feel a bit better now, although i haven't changed my mind. started preparing letters, password list and all that stuff. ordering SN in the afternoon. i'll try to just be nice around them until then and hope they remember me at least a bit fondly. again, thanks for all the support, i really needed it xx