The past two or three days I started chatting with a guy on a certain site. Not gonna name it for privacy reasons. It was going pretty well I thought, and I foolishly got my hopes up about us becoming friends. I'm a chronically lonely person and I broke up with my partner two or so months ago. I talked to my ex on the daily, so although I was relieved to have broken up with them the loneliness came back.
Hoping to fill the void, I recklessly messaged this guy, who'll be called H for the remainder of this post. I was shocked H responded at all. But we had a pleasant conversation. He complimented me a couple times...and I let myself believe them. I never learn, do I?
At some point H jokes about us meeting up at my place. I then decide to reply by saying, "I may wanna die but I'm not giving you my address." It was partially a joke about the safety of meeting an internet stranger and partially a confession of my suicidality. This blew up in my face. H's tone turned borderline aggressive and started telling me to not fucking kill myself, in his words. I try to explain myself and give him a list of my reasons but he either ignores what I have to say or tells me generic anti-ctb platitude #456973. After my endless attempts of trying to reason with him, I tell him I'm tired and am going to sleep.
The next day rolls around and he doesn't say anything. No good morning, no checking in, nothing. This worried me. I still wanted to befriend him even if I had to shut up about suicide permanently. It's not that different from previous "friendships" I've had in the past. I decide to open the wound and ask him to explain something. He's older than me by a decade, and H had exclaimed that, "You're young. Perspective changes." This makes me ask how he can explain the countless amount of older people who have ctb. Of course he ignores that and starts making me feel like garbage, only giving blanket statements similar to, "Your take is trash. I'm not gonna be convinced you're right because you're depressed."
The previous day H sent me a link to a discord server that he encouraged me to join and be involved in. I joined and sent my first message today. Not much time passed when I noticed that I didn't have access to the server anymore. Confused, I told H. He had kicked me himself. Or was responsible for it. I don't know. He said that he had hoped I hadn't joined because he felt I had been harassing him about the suicide "argument" (I only sought out a good faith discussion, but alas...). I never insulted him or said anything inflammatory.
Heart in my stomach I asked him upfront for clarification. He said he was cool with being friends with me not too long ago. I could just never bring up suicide again and still chat.
H said his feelings changed after our discussion. He claims I kept nagging him about it. So I told him, "This hurts me but do you want me to never speak to you again?"
"Yes."
I find it ironic (or hypocritical, sorry my mind is mush as I'm still very distraught from this and am likely using the terms incorrectly) that this man who claimed to care soooo much about me switches his attitude and blocks me from a resource HE shared to try and make me feel better. And this is what is especially rich, "Don't talk to me again but also don't kill yourself." As if he'd ever know the difference. Scumbag.
H breaking me off from both him and the server only made me more suicidal and proved my damn point.
I hate that people like this spew out the lies that they care. They fucking don't.
Hoping to fill the void, I recklessly messaged this guy, who'll be called H for the remainder of this post. I was shocked H responded at all. But we had a pleasant conversation. He complimented me a couple times...and I let myself believe them. I never learn, do I?
At some point H jokes about us meeting up at my place. I then decide to reply by saying, "I may wanna die but I'm not giving you my address." It was partially a joke about the safety of meeting an internet stranger and partially a confession of my suicidality. This blew up in my face. H's tone turned borderline aggressive and started telling me to not fucking kill myself, in his words. I try to explain myself and give him a list of my reasons but he either ignores what I have to say or tells me generic anti-ctb platitude #456973. After my endless attempts of trying to reason with him, I tell him I'm tired and am going to sleep.
The next day rolls around and he doesn't say anything. No good morning, no checking in, nothing. This worried me. I still wanted to befriend him even if I had to shut up about suicide permanently. It's not that different from previous "friendships" I've had in the past. I decide to open the wound and ask him to explain something. He's older than me by a decade, and H had exclaimed that, "You're young. Perspective changes." This makes me ask how he can explain the countless amount of older people who have ctb. Of course he ignores that and starts making me feel like garbage, only giving blanket statements similar to, "Your take is trash. I'm not gonna be convinced you're right because you're depressed."
The previous day H sent me a link to a discord server that he encouraged me to join and be involved in. I joined and sent my first message today. Not much time passed when I noticed that I didn't have access to the server anymore. Confused, I told H. He had kicked me himself. Or was responsible for it. I don't know. He said that he had hoped I hadn't joined because he felt I had been harassing him about the suicide "argument" (I only sought out a good faith discussion, but alas...). I never insulted him or said anything inflammatory.
Heart in my stomach I asked him upfront for clarification. He said he was cool with being friends with me not too long ago. I could just never bring up suicide again and still chat.
H said his feelings changed after our discussion. He claims I kept nagging him about it. So I told him, "This hurts me but do you want me to never speak to you again?"
"Yes."
I find it ironic (or hypocritical, sorry my mind is mush as I'm still very distraught from this and am likely using the terms incorrectly) that this man who claimed to care soooo much about me switches his attitude and blocks me from a resource HE shared to try and make me feel better. And this is what is especially rich, "Don't talk to me again but also don't kill yourself." As if he'd ever know the difference. Scumbag.
H breaking me off from both him and the server only made me more suicidal and proved my damn point.
I hate that people like this spew out the lies that they care. They fucking don't.
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.... but yes I've had this experience thru the church ppl as well. In my experience ppl like that aren't worth bothering about.
