![Hhhhhh](/data/avatars/l/14/14466.jpg?1605854244)
Hhhhhh
Student
- Jan 30, 2020
- 115
Hi I'm new here. I feel like I've completely lost my identity and what made me unique as a person. I was always an abnormal kid and had really intense slightly psychotic anxiety and depression. However I was always able to have my art and my anxious identity to fall back on. I was doing amazing a year ago ( even tho i still had intense social anxiety). Then i fucked it up and started questioning everything about myself and how i saw things because i thought it meant i was a narcissist because I was so disconnected from social norms. Turns out the norms I was disconnected from actually sucked but now they've completely replaced the originality that used to be me. I've lost all interest in things I used to care about and I cant remember the feelings associated with them. Everything feels like how normal people feel now including their bigotry and prejeduice. My sex drive is gone completely (I started hrt because I thought it would help but I think it made me worse unfortunately) and things I used to think were good I can now only see as bad. I dont have anxiety anymore I just feel evil and blank like a cop or something. I'm too ambivalent and it feels like all the social development I spent my life on has disappeared and I'm left with an anhedonia normal person. I rly shouldn't have beaten myself up so bad and I cant live like this bland person. Most people with anhedonia dont like it because it makes them unable to care for their baby or w,/e or they cant enjoy bad music anymore. My anhedia is making me see things like everyone else because I viciously tore down my own identity) Anyone experience something like this? I want to die so bad it's like torture becoming normal and I tried too jump off the lions gate bridge yesterday but it was too tall and my si kicked in HARD. sorry about the rant