Venting Loss and Grief

[Reishi]

Last year I lost many people who I would say I was very close to. Many friends I made on this site and from irl relationships from years past.

I lost a ex girlfriend to suicide
I lost a very dear friend from high school who i hadn't talked to in years
I lost over ten friends I made from her and
I lost myself several times ... almost successfully killing myself...

I lost friendships and lovers because of my suicidal actions , but I know even with all of this ... I'm not going to change .
I will always repeat the cycle of getting better, getting worse, going manic and then attempting again.
It doesn't matter whose in my life or how my life is going I'll always be my mental illness... I'll always want to end this existence I never asked for . I put myself through so much suffering...not because I get off on it but because I truly believe I deserve it ... I believe I deserve this pain because a part of me believes that every death could've been prevented if I did more.... even if I convenience myself it doesn't matter ... I cry every night hearing the voices of them... hearing them suffer as they disappear... makes my suffering ...

I will never know peace until I join them .... all of them.