sadlyexisting
I don't know who I am anymore.
- Jun 26, 2023
- 106
I really don't know what to do anymore. 2024 actually started off quite well, I had people to talk to, my friends still invited me out and my grades were going up, even my parents were in a relatively okay mood. Of course, there were some bad days here and there, but I was enjoying myself at least. It even stayed alright towards the middle of the year, I met my partner in that time, which made me very happy.
But my in real life friends basically started abandoning me there, they started ignoring me and ended up not even inviting me to a party they threw on my birthday. And also I was still in contact with a fucker that basically made my life a living hell, but I survived it thanks to my partner and the hope I felt in my life.
Moving to November this year, I basically talked to no one except my partner anymore, he was the only person that helped me gain some type of comfort during that time. But then suddenly he started being dry and cold, he didn't want to call anymore and sometimes took hours to reply even though he was online. It really broke me, a lot.
When I suggested separating at the start of December, he was very cold about it, seemingly having no emotion at all. He coldly told me that he just didn't love me anymore, and somehow I couldn't believe it, I still can't. I can't believe all of that time was just fake, but maybe it is really true. Either way, after that I basically had a complete mental breakdown, my grades declined, I lost interest in everything.
Over that time I feel like I lost my complete personality, like genuinely. I don't want anything anymore, and I am not interested in anything at all. I am just simply sitting here in my bed, listening to music all day. I don't feel any feelings or emotions anymore, I simply am a walking shell without goals, passions, wants or anything I care about.
I want everything but nothing at the same time. You could ask me any question about what I would rather want and no matter what it is about, I could never answer. I don't even have a favorite color or animal anymore, I lost everything that once defined my personality. But at the same time I hate everything I am now, and also everything I was in the past as well. I can seemingly never be satisfied with myself.
I am not even sure if I want to die anymore as well, I just can't decide what would be better for me. Dying probably, but there's still that small spark of something keeping me alive, what that is, I don't know. I just wish I had people to talk to, people I could go out with to maybe find myself again, but it'll seemingly never happen due to my severe social anxiety.
I just want to die, I am not even human anymore.
But my in real life friends basically started abandoning me there, they started ignoring me and ended up not even inviting me to a party they threw on my birthday. And also I was still in contact with a fucker that basically made my life a living hell, but I survived it thanks to my partner and the hope I felt in my life.
Moving to November this year, I basically talked to no one except my partner anymore, he was the only person that helped me gain some type of comfort during that time. But then suddenly he started being dry and cold, he didn't want to call anymore and sometimes took hours to reply even though he was online. It really broke me, a lot.
When I suggested separating at the start of December, he was very cold about it, seemingly having no emotion at all. He coldly told me that he just didn't love me anymore, and somehow I couldn't believe it, I still can't. I can't believe all of that time was just fake, but maybe it is really true. Either way, after that I basically had a complete mental breakdown, my grades declined, I lost interest in everything.
Over that time I feel like I lost my complete personality, like genuinely. I don't want anything anymore, and I am not interested in anything at all. I am just simply sitting here in my bed, listening to music all day. I don't feel any feelings or emotions anymore, I simply am a walking shell without goals, passions, wants or anything I care about.
I want everything but nothing at the same time. You could ask me any question about what I would rather want and no matter what it is about, I could never answer. I don't even have a favorite color or animal anymore, I lost everything that once defined my personality. But at the same time I hate everything I am now, and also everything I was in the past as well. I can seemingly never be satisfied with myself.
I am not even sure if I want to die anymore as well, I just can't decide what would be better for me. Dying probably, but there's still that small spark of something keeping me alive, what that is, I don't know. I just wish I had people to talk to, people I could go out with to maybe find myself again, but it'll seemingly never happen due to my severe social anxiety.
I just want to die, I am not even human anymore.
