Venting losing the last of my will

[d.va]

i was academically suspended from college last semester, and got on anti-depressants so i could be reinstated. last semester went really well starting out, until i lost my drive again and went back to being the same depressing recluse who doesn't even show up to class. i really really tried to get everything together this semester off, i moved, started working, started trying to find what i really wanted to do with my degree so i didn't feel so aimless. i actually felt really confident in my ability to get my shit together and pull myself out of the hole and succeed for once. but after meeting with my advisor and making a plan for classes and forms i need to do to get back in school, i found out there's a chance they won't let me back for TWO YEARS. i basically have to go beg these people to allow me back in school and if they don't i truly don't know what else to do but ctb. without a degree i feel like my chances of success in life are low, especially in a field i could at least derive some enjoyment from.
i'm so fucked. i can't believe i let it get this far and i can't believe that when i finally feel like i can do it it all gets stripped from me.
if i don't get back in school i'll have to start paying back my loans which i can't afford with my job.
everything's fucked and it's my fault. i just want to be free of all this. free of responsibility, expectations, the knowledge of how my life will be without success, accountability for myself. i just want to be gone.

 

[SilentSadness]

Sounds like a very distressing experience for you, it's certainly not your fault that life tortures us this way and I also want a way out of this mess. I don't find much enjoyment either and I hate existing. I hope your situation sorts itself out, however unlikely that may be.

 

[BuranaPoe]

Me suspendieron académicamente de la universidad el semestre pasado y tomé antidepresivos para poder reincorporarme. El semestre pasado empezó muy bien, hasta que volví a perder el control y volví a ser el mismo recluso deprimente que ni siquiera se presenta a clase. Realmente, realmente intenté organizar todo este semestre libre, me mudé, comencé a trabajar, comencé a tratar de encontrar lo que realmente quería hacer con mi título para no sentirme tan sin rumbo. De hecho, me sentí muy confiado en mi capacidad para ponerme en orden y salir del hoyo y tener éxito por una vez. pero después de reunirme con mi asesor y hacer un plan para las clases y los formularios que debo hacer para volver a la escuela, descubrí que existe la posibilidad de que no me dejen regresar por DOS AÑOS. Básicamente, tengo que rogar a estas personas que me permitan volver a la escuela y, si no lo hacen, realmente no sé qué más hacer, excepto ctb. Sin un título, siento que mis posibilidades de éxito en la vida son bajas, especialmente en un campo del que al menos podría disfrutar.
estoy tan jodido No puedo creer que dejé que llegara tan lejos y no puedo creer que cuando finalmente siento que puedo hacerlo, me lo quitan todo.
si no regreso a la escuela, tendré que comenzar a pagar mis préstamos que no puedo pagar con mi trabajo.
todo está jodido y es mi culpa. Sólo quiero estar libre de todo esto. libre de responsabilidad, de expectativas, del conocimiento de cómo será mi vida sin éxito, de responsabilidad por mí mismo. solo quiero irme

Sé lo que es tener que depender de la maldita burocracia para salir adelante, realmente apesta, pero no está de más pensarlo todo antes de actuar, te deseo suerte en lo que decidas amigo.

 

[salieri]

I've been there and I hate to sound basic but it does get better with time. Even without any drive you should continue to push forward. Not only for you but everybody around you.

 

[Twoped538]

Every time I finish typing the first sentence of my reply, I quickly delete it, because I know you don't want to hear something like "don't worry, be happy". Such advice obviously would not be helpful and it would understandably make you feel not being taken seriously. So, here is what I can say about your situation, while staying away from "toxic positivity".

You obviously experienced a major setback and you feel very bad about it, especially because of the consequences for your career and other things you were looking forward to.

However (and here comes the, perhaps controversial part), your experiences seem to be well within the range of shitty things that happen to people occasionally and that most people are willing to accept as part of life. Please consider that your ideas of suicide may also be amplified by feelings of shame about failing or by anxiety about other things in your life, that are not going as well as you hoped for.

Talking about your feelings and also about the options you have to improve your situation, is really the best thing now. You will probably start feeling less bad about these problems within a few days or week. This may all sound a bit trite, but it's true. And in the unlikely situation that your life remains very unpleasant, you can always end it. The kind of problems you wrote about are generally not the type of existential problems or "too big to solve" to consider suicide.

In general, I support the right of each individual to end his or her life after serious consideration (and being able to buy the means for this). However, In some cases, and this looks like one, your choice about suicide should be delayed till you have a clearer picture, at least in my opinion.

I wish you the best.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a stressful and tiring situation to be in, I just think the unfortunate reality is that life really is so disappointing and it's understandable wishing to be free from it all. To me, there certainly seems to be no real relief from suffering in this world but anyway I wish you the best.