Losing the Desire

[MAG]

I wanted to so badly the other night. Why don't I want to anymore?

 

[Final Escape]

I wanted to so badly the other night. Why don't I want to anymore?

I have this too. It's a mixed bag of extremes.

 

[anonymous23x]

I wanted to so badly the other night. Why don't I want to anymore?

Do you find yourself momentarily finding hope and then losing it again?

 

[MAG]

Not really...just don't have as strong a desire to do it now.

 

[TheCrow]

I wanted to so badly the other night. Why don't I want to anymore?

Sometimes I feel like it's someone on the other side trying to convince me not to do it.

 

[TiredHorse]

My need to ctb waxed and waned, sometimes day to day, sometimes hour to hour. Then I hit a point, a couple weeks ago, where I knew with considerable certainty the time wasn't right. The same thing happened last spring, a few days before I had scheduled myself to die. Maybe I'll come back to it again, maybe I won't. Hard to say from here. I just have to go what my gut says moment to moment. I'm too damned tired from all the failures to go chasing after busses or leaping in front of them.

 

[3927]

I wonder the same myself. I think I just tend to get caught in some human experience and forget about how I'm contributing nothing to anyone, or I just distract myself with music or something.

 

[Fallen]

I wanted to so badly the other night. Why don't I want to anymore?

Maybe for you, suicidal thoughts are more impulsive, like it only appears when certain things happen or when you think about certain things. Either that, or you could have found certain reasons that made you want to live. Though, I could be wrong.

 

[21Neberg]

For me, as the date grows nearer, life suddenly seems better... though that has to be my mind playing games with me, trying to convince me to live.

 

[lost_soul83]

For me, as the date grows nearer, life suddenly seems better... though that has to be my mind playing games with me, trying to convince me to live.

I think life seems better because you know there's finally an end in sight. I know I've been happier knowing I have a way out.

 

[21Neberg]

I think life seems better because you know there's finally an end in sight. I know I've been happier knowing I have a way out.

Still though, I don't like it. I don't want to feel happier, the sadness is what can push me to finally attempt, not the happiness, if that makes sense.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Still though, I don't like it. I don't want to feel happier, the sadness is what can push me to finally attempt, not the happiness, if that makes sense.

Makes total sense - it's only when you are in that darkest place that you can ctb as that's when any fear or pain of death is outdone by desire to not go on. If you are starting to feel a little bit of positive, embrace it for now, just take every day one at a time. God - even half a day at a time. Any decision can be made or unmade a thousand times before a final choice xxx

 

[21Neberg]

Makes total sense - it's only when you are in that darkest place that you can ctb as that's when any fear or pain of death is outdone by desire to not go on. If you are starting to feel a little bit of positive, embrace it for now, just take every day one at a time. God - even half a day at a time. Any decision can be made or unmade a thousand times before a final choice xxx

Thank you for your support. However, I know that it's temporary, luckily. I don't think I'll reach the end of 2019, and I like that.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Thank you for your support. However, I know that it's temporary, luckily. I don't think I'll reach the end of 2019, and I like that.

:-) that's the thing sometimes, when you know you have a goal it's ok to enjoy the good along the way x

 

[lost_soul83]

Still though, I don't like it. I don't want to feel happier, the sadness is what can push me to finally attempt, not the happiness, if that makes sense.

I totally understand. I feel the same way. It's like I feel a huge sense of relief because I know that there's an end in sight, but at the same time, I don't wanna be happy cuz the misery is what's gonna give me the balls to finally ctb. But for me personally, I'm gonna try to go out having a great time, like her high af on shit and then hang myself or pass out face down in the tub or shoot my brains out. I wanna feel an incredible high one last time before I die.

 

[21Neberg]

cuz the misery is what's gonna give me the balls to finally ctb

You perfectly described the issue here.

I wanna feel an incredible high one last time before I die.

I do too, I will probably listen to some music before I go out. It's always been what I've enjoyed most.