Ifonlysheknew
Member
- Apr 24, 2018
- 31
Throughout my life, every single mother figure I've ever had have left
Be it by death, sickness or just walking out
Things have always been fucked up in my family, more than I'd probably ever even know. That's that.
After watching my mother die from cancer, I spiralled. Then again, it was expected as she'd already been sick for a while.
Nevertheless, I somehow found it in me to try just one more time. Somehow the stars and the moons alligned, and I actually found someone who could give me some sense of security, and stability.
My teacher, she was the one person who understood me.
She saw me. She could see me.
And then she suddenly died, cancer too. One minute she was promising she'd be back in school teaching within a few months, promising that she wouldn't die.
The next, I get a message saying she had passed.
It devastated me, of course. I comeoletely lost it.
But the one thing she managed to do for me before passing, was form a bond between me and this other girl she was helping. We became pretty close (we were classmates) over the time we spent with our teacher, and together when our teacher wasn't there.
Through my teachers passing, we were there for each other.
And then, my friend dissapeared too.
She has completely cut off. No school, no text or calls. Nothing.
She's still active on social media. I decided to leave it cuz there wasn't really much I could do.
It's now only a few days away from the 1 year mark of our teacher's death. Ppl in my school don't care cuz she only taught part time so they weren't close to her.
Now with my friend gone, it feels like I'm remembering something no one else knows exists. I can't talk abt it, I can't do anything.
And I feel so shit that I couldn't do what my teacher wanted : my friend and I to be there for each other.
I'm worried about her. I really am.
And I'm worried about me.
No matter what I do, I'm back here again.
Every time i walk into my late teacher's class, every time I write an essay, every time I see a post from my friend. It just hits me like a bus all over again.
Why does this keep happening to me?
Each person, slowly disappearing.
Now I am left with no one.
The single friend I have is lost for words.
I have nobody. No safety, security, stability. No support system. No one to go to when things go wrong. No one who even bothers to hear about it.
I understand that people have their own lives and issues, so I'm not mad about this.
What I am is fucking terrified.
I don't know how to raise myself, I don't know what to do. I have no guidance. I'm blindfolded, feeling around with a short stick.
I walk in a void.
I walk alone.
What do I do?
What can I do?
All I know is that I'm really really scared.
It's sad that, if and when I finally gather the courage to ctb,
It would be so different if I had a shoulder to lean on.
The circumstances in which I live may not be very good. Things in my life may not have been very good. A series of unfortunate events as some would say.
But even a series of unfortunate events, could become a little less damning if you had a shoulder to cry on.
But I guess for me, it's not meant to be.
Because no matter how hard I try,
I always wind up right back where I am now.
Every. Single. Time.
Be it by death, sickness or just walking out
Things have always been fucked up in my family, more than I'd probably ever even know. That's that.
After watching my mother die from cancer, I spiralled. Then again, it was expected as she'd already been sick for a while.
Nevertheless, I somehow found it in me to try just one more time. Somehow the stars and the moons alligned, and I actually found someone who could give me some sense of security, and stability.
My teacher, she was the one person who understood me.
She saw me. She could see me.
And then she suddenly died, cancer too. One minute she was promising she'd be back in school teaching within a few months, promising that she wouldn't die.
The next, I get a message saying she had passed.
It devastated me, of course. I comeoletely lost it.
But the one thing she managed to do for me before passing, was form a bond between me and this other girl she was helping. We became pretty close (we were classmates) over the time we spent with our teacher, and together when our teacher wasn't there.
Through my teachers passing, we were there for each other.
And then, my friend dissapeared too.
She has completely cut off. No school, no text or calls. Nothing.
She's still active on social media. I decided to leave it cuz there wasn't really much I could do.
It's now only a few days away from the 1 year mark of our teacher's death. Ppl in my school don't care cuz she only taught part time so they weren't close to her.
Now with my friend gone, it feels like I'm remembering something no one else knows exists. I can't talk abt it, I can't do anything.
And I feel so shit that I couldn't do what my teacher wanted : my friend and I to be there for each other.
I'm worried about her. I really am.
And I'm worried about me.
No matter what I do, I'm back here again.
Every time i walk into my late teacher's class, every time I write an essay, every time I see a post from my friend. It just hits me like a bus all over again.
Why does this keep happening to me?
Each person, slowly disappearing.
Now I am left with no one.
The single friend I have is lost for words.
I have nobody. No safety, security, stability. No support system. No one to go to when things go wrong. No one who even bothers to hear about it.
I understand that people have their own lives and issues, so I'm not mad about this.
What I am is fucking terrified.
I don't know how to raise myself, I don't know what to do. I have no guidance. I'm blindfolded, feeling around with a short stick.
I walk in a void.
I walk alone.
What do I do?
What can I do?
All I know is that I'm really really scared.
It's sad that, if and when I finally gather the courage to ctb,
It would be so different if I had a shoulder to lean on.
The circumstances in which I live may not be very good. Things in my life may not have been very good. A series of unfortunate events as some would say.
But even a series of unfortunate events, could become a little less damning if you had a shoulder to cry on.
But I guess for me, it's not meant to be.
Because no matter how hard I try,
I always wind up right back where I am now.
Every. Single. Time.
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