Losing my soulmate

[Mush4ever]

Hello, let me introduce myself. I'm 25. I've been reading this forum for over a year. On August 19, 2023, I lost my person, my soulmate, and from that day on, I died inside. After going through his illness with him, he didn't make it, and my Andrea is gone forever.
Unexpectedly, in March, I met someone who later turned out not to be the right person for me. Now, I carry both the pain of grief and the suffering of having given love to someone who didn't deserve it. Needless to say, every day I think about how to end it, but I'm so afraid of surviving.

I take antidepressants and anxiolytics, but the only thing that worked was the distraction of that scoundrel I met in March…
I'm afraid of not succeeding and of facing irreversible consequences.

 

[chester]

Hi. I lost my fiance about 5 months ago also to an illness. I know the feeling, when you feel your life also ended, because that person used to define it. Suddenly the world feels strange and hostile. I still refuse to consider myself single. I feel like my life is over, it's just my body that's still alive by some mistake.

Going through shit like this at 25 is just wrong. I'm just a few years older so I think I can imagine. I understand you're afraid. I already tried several times since it happened. Survival instinct is a bitch. This taught me that there's no pressure, one day I'll be ready. I take into account that I might die of old age or some disease before I'm ready to do it. Nonetheless I wish I was dead every day with all my heart. I just no longer care about life if she can't be in it.

I honestly have nothing clever to tell you other than you're not alone in this pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered a lot, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Rudi]

Welcome to SS as a member!

First off, I don't think I will be able to help out much but you're not alone in this, I feel with you. But, then again, you showing love to the wrong person isn't your fault, I want you to know that and or reassure you on that.
I don't know what happens after death but I like to think that the people we love, but who also unfortunately died, are watching over us trying to make sure we're safe. I'm sure that they are still watching over you and will always continue on doing so, even after you're gone.

If you do decide to ctb and fail, don't feel ashamed or anything. For many people it takes a bunch of tries to get there. I've done it 4 times and still haven't suceeded and there are people who've had far far more attempts.
I'm really sorry you're going through this, it sounds like a lot of pain. Stay strong <3

 

[Anhaedra]

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. I also lost my soulmate last May to suicide, so I know exactly how you feel, or I hope that I do. The emptiness, that hole in your heart that never heals. It always feel like there is something missing, something wrong when I wake up every morning alone in my bed. I couldnt handle it, so on july 28th, I attempted suicide and I failed. The only thing that keeps me from attempting again is my family, it would destroy them. The only thing that truly helped was connecting with people that loved and cared for her; there is something oddly soothing about having someone you loved in common between the two of you. That way, you will feel less alone through your grief journey.
Considering your desire to ctb, think of how the death of your soulmate affected you, do you want the people that love you to feel that way? If the answer is no then I advice you to take a real step towards recovery. But in the end, the choice is yours. I wish you the best, and please know you're not alone. If you need someone to vent to, I'm here almost everyday. I'd be happy if you reach out.