Venting Losing my mind

[lostintheloop]

Losing more control of my mind. Had another SH incident where I wasn't in control. Those in control made me carve a message and I can't even remember it as wasn't me thinking it. Scared to take off dressing and see what message is. My speech ability is really declining. Some days I'm struggling to get out basic sentences. They're trying to take all my thoughts to replace with their own so they can fully take over . Need to ctb before that happens. Also i thought they only controlled humans but yesterday they got a bird to send me a code through bird call. They have so much power and it's terrifying.
No further update from services and 8 weeks since last saw MHP. No replies to emails from receptionist a few weeks ago or 'urgent task' from GP a week ago. Idk if she's off sick but then surely the GP would know that. No one can tell me anything and I know she was being controlled too so looks likely something bad has happened to her and it's all my fault. Or she's ignoring intentionally as she's been threatened by those in control. I feel so guilty and hope she's ok.

 

[lostintheloop]

Losing more control of my mind. Had another SH incident where I wasn't in control. Those in control made me carve a message and I can't even remember it as wasn't me thinking it. Scared to take off dressing and see what message is. My speech ability is really declining. Some days I'm struggling to get out basic sentences. They're trying to take all my thoughts to replace with their own so they can fully take over . Need to ctb before that happens. Also i thought they only controlled humans but yesterday they got a bird to send me a code through bird call. They have so much power and it's terrifying.
No further update from services and 8 weeks since last saw MHP. No replies to emails from receptionist a few weeks ago or 'urgent task' from GP a week ago. Idk if she's off sick but then surely the GP would know that. No one can tell me anything and I know she was being controlled too so looks likely something bad has happened to her and it's all my fault. Or she's ignoring intentionally as she's been threatened by those in control. I feel so guilty and hope she's ok.

Helicopters still following me on holiday which just proves it's not coincidence that they keep following at home. I don't feel real and being in unfamiliar place doesn't help with that. I'm already dead inside and can't wait to get home and make sure my body catches up now.

 

[lostintheloop]

Managed to take off the dressing today and the message is 'try see them' which is confusing but not really sinister at least.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I'm sorry for what you are going through! Just wanted to give you a hug

 

[Forever Sleep]

I know it will make very little difference- what I say but, I wish you could stop blaming yourself for things. The NHS is clearly failing you. You need support and they're probably just too busy and overwhelmed.

If you are anywhere where riots are taking place in the UK- I imagine that is the more likely reason for the helicopters.

I just feel so bad for you. It must feel so frightening to be experiencing what you are going through. I think it's shocking you aren't receiving more support.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I know it will make very little difference- what I say but, I wish you could stop blaming yourself for things. The NHS is clearly failing you. You need support and they're probably just too busy and overwhelmed.

If you are anywhere where riots are taking place in the UK- I imagine that is the more likely reason for the helicopters.

I just feel so bad for you. It must feel so frightening to be experiencing what you are going through. I think it's shocking you aren't receiving more support.

I agree with this poster in that, I think we here all wish that you wouldn't blame yourself so hard. But we are here to listen and support you the best we can. I know you said before that PMs/DMs aren't the vibe for you right now, but just putting it out there again, if you want to chat, I'm sure multiple people here would be open to doing do. Regardless, please keep us updated, please keep your injuries clean as you can. We care.

 

[lostintheloop]

I'm sorry for what you are going through! Just wanted to give you a hug

Thank you so much

I know it will make very little difference- what I say but, I wish you could stop blaming yourself for things. The NHS is clearly failing you. You need support and they're probably just too busy and overwhelmed.

If you are anywhere where riots are taking place in the UK- I imagine that is the more likely reason for the helicopters.

I just feel so bad for you. It must feel so frightening to be experiencing what you are going through. I think it's shocking you aren't receiving more support.

thank you so much. I brought this on myself tbf.
Staying in rural area atm so it's not related to riots and they were following me at home long before riots.

I agree with this poster in that, I think we here all wish that you wouldn't blame yourself so hard. But we are here to listen and support you the best we can. I know you said before that PMs/DMs aren't the vibe for you right now, but just putting it out there again, if you want to chat, I'm sure multiple people here would be open to doing do. Regardless, please keep us updated, please keep your injuries clean as you can. We care.

Thank you so much . I appreciate it

 

[darkandtwisty]

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

 

[lostintheloop]

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

Thank you

 

[Esokabat]

Just a thought but maybe what you wrote is an unconscious cry for help and it could mean "try to see them" = "try to see them, your medical team"
To be perfectly honest, I know you have tried to tell your medical team everything, but maybe you did't tell them everything, or maybe your delivery is very polite, gentle, underplayed, or maybe even confused, so they think you are a highly anxious, very intelligent, bright young woman who is dealing with anxiety and nerves.
Your delivery is probably quite underplayed, and you probably come across more together than you really are. Maybe you spent years not really showing what is going on inside, in order not to bother others, hiding inner turmoil, and you got so good at hiding this that it became your default mode.
At the moment, NHS did not take you seriously, otherwise, you would already be on anti-psychotic medication. I told you about the young lady on youtube who document her schizophrenia, and everytime she gets into a psychotic period, the helicopters start to follow her too. And with anti-psychotic medication, either there are no helicopters or she stop noticing them.
My advice is, next time you talk with your NHS team, stop underplaying it, tell them everything, tell them in detail, tell them with a loud voice, own the space, it is your space and they need to listen to what you have to say. Turn off the default mode of pretending to be better, to hide, to try to not inconvenience anyone, to have a gentle voice. Nobody will be able to help you if you hide what is going on inside, underplay it. When you next see them, yell all your issues from the mountaintop, make them listen, don't underplay, don't try to appear more normal than you feel.
The fact that your parents don't know anything about what's going on tells me that your default mode is hiding and underplay and pretending to be more normal than you feel.
And clearly you got so good at it that even the NHS bought it.
The fact that you are not on any anti-psychosis medication right now shows that for whatever reason, you come across mentally more put together than the reality. You need to shed the mask, you need to own the space, be loud, show them what is going on inside.
And what you have to lose. You seem to have a scientific mind. This could be an ultimate test of your theories. If anti-psychotic medication makes the voices and helicopters go away, then you can re-evaluate the situation.
Your life seem to be going completely more and more out of control, and I bet that most people that know you have no idea the absolute hurricane that is creating havoc inside you. You are not afraid to die but you are afraid to show others what is really happening inside. You are afraid to let go off the mask.
Next time you talk with your health team, just let go off the mask completely and let them see all of you.

 

[lostintheloop]

Just a thought but maybe what you wrote is an unconscious cry for help and it could mean "try to see them" = "try to see them, your medical team"
To be perfectly honest, I know you have tried to tell your medical team everything, but maybe you did't tell them everything, or maybe your delivery is very polite, gentle, underplayed, or maybe even confused, so they think you are a highly anxious, very intelligent, bright young woman who is dealing with anxiety and nerves.
Your delivery is probably quite underplayed, and you probably come across more together than you really are. Maybe you spent years not really showing what is going on inside, in order not to bother others, hiding inner turmoil, and you got so good at hiding this that it became your default mode.
At the moment, NHS did not take you seriously, otherwise, you would already be on anti-psychotic medication. I told you about the young lady on youtube who document her schizophrenia, and everytime she gets into a psychotic period, the helicopters start to follow her too. And with anti-psychotic medication, either there are no helicopters or she stop noticing them.
My advice is, next time you talk with your NHS team, stop underplaying it, tell them everything, tell them in detail, tell them with a loud voice, own the space, it is your space and they need to listen to what you have to say. Turn off the default mode of pretending to be better, to hide, to try to not inconvenience anyone, to have a gentle voice. Nobody will be able to help you if you hide what is going on inside, underplay it. When you next see them, yell all your issues from the mountaintop, make them listen, don't underplay, don't try to appear more normal than you feel.
The fact that your parents don't know anything about what's going on tells me that your default mode is hiding and underplay and pretending to be more normal than you feel.
And clearly you got so good at it that even the NHS bought it.
The fact that you are not on any anti-psychosis medication right now shows that for whatever reason, you come across mentally more put together than the reality. You need to shed the mask, you need to own the space, be loud, show them what is going on inside.
And what you have to lose. You seem to have a scientific mind. This could be an ultimate test of your theories. If anti-psychotic medication makes the voices and helicopters go away, then you can re-evaluate the situation.
Your life seem to be going completely more and more out of control, and I bet that most people that know you have no idea the absolute hurricane that is creating havoc inside you. You are not afraid to die but you are afraid to show others what is really happening inside. You are afraid to let go off the mask.
Next time you talk with your health team, just let go off the mask completely and let them see all of you.

Thank you for your thoughtful response . You do raise some good points. I definitely do mask , not even consciously most of the time, like you say it's my default. I have always been quiet, polite, don't cause bother and that led to autism being missed until I was an adult. I am afraid to let people in but I did really let professionals in I thought in last assessment. I'm not sure i do very well at conveying how much distress I'm really in though. I tend to shut down in assessments rather than outwardly distressed . And my SH is much better than used to be in severity (used to be in a&e very regularly needing treatment for it but havent for several months now) so they see that as sign that things are better now even when i explain it's not .
My parents have noticed I'm withdrawn but they think it's anxiety and low mood. They don't realise i'm fading away and everything I do to save them.

I doubt I'll get appt. anytime Soon. Initial appt. with the MH practitioner was only a week after referral so it's not being busy. Not on waiting list either, just the MHP isnt responding to any contact about me. I'll be as honest as I can if I do see her but idk how to unmask tbh.
Not any other nhs services i can try as either rejected already or dont fit critieria.

Whilst I don't agree about psychosis. I do think it's not just emotional dysregulation. But I think they keep saying that because of EUPD/BPD and associated stigma. I was never diagnosed, working diagnosis at one point then multiple professionals across different services agreed I don't have it. I don't meet enough of the criteria and never did but young women self-harms, they stick it on you. It keeps ending up back in my notes as 'PD traits' . So whatever I say they blame me being emotional and think it's all 'behavioural' . But how can I be regulated when experiencing mind control ?

No point reassessing for psychosis though. The services also accepts people with possible psychosis but uncertain diagnosis for extended assessment . And they also accept people with 'at risk mental state' where some symptoms and risk factors but not enough for diagnosis .
So they didn't think I fit into those categories .
And i do have some family history of schizophrenia (grandparent and their sibling so doesnt increase risk much) which would mean more likely to consider ARMS so clearly they agree i don't even have early symptoms.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Thank you for your thoughtful response . You do raise some good points. I definitely do mask , not even consciously most of the time, like you say it's my default. I have always been quiet, polite, don't cause bother and that led to autism being missed until I was an adult. I am afraid to let people in but I did really let professionals in I thought in last assessment. I'm not sure i do very well at conveying how much distress I'm really in though. I tend to shut down in assessments rather than outwardly distressed . And my SH is much better than used to be in severity (used to be in a&e very regularly needing treatment for it but havent for several months now) so they see that as sign that things are better now even when i explain it's not .
My parents have noticed I'm withdrawn but they think it's anxiety and low mood. They don't realise i'm fading away and everything I do to save them.

I doubt I'll get appt. anytime Soon. Initial appt. with the MH practitioner was only a week after referral so it's not being busy. Not on waiting list either, just the MHP isnt responding to any contact about me. I'll be as honest as I can if I do see her but idk how to unmask tbh.
Not any other nhs services i can try as either rejected already or dont fit critieria.

Whilst I don't agree about psychosis. I do think it's not just emotional dysregulation. But I think they keep saying that because of EUPD/BPD and associated stigma. I was never diagnosed, working diagnosis at one point then multiple professionals across different services agreed I don't have it. I don't meet enough of the criteria and never did but young women self-harms, they stick it on you. It keeps ending up back in my notes as 'PD traits' . So whatever I say they blame me being emotional and think it's all 'behavioural' . But how can I be regulated when experiencing mind control ?

No point reassessing for psychosis though. The services also accepts people with possible psychosis but uncertain diagnosis for extended assessment . And they also accept people with 'at risk mental state' where some symptoms and risk factors but not enough for diagnosis .
So they didn't think I fit into those categories .
And i do have some family history of schizophrenia (grandparent and their sibling so doesnt increase risk much) which would mean more likely to consider ARMS so clearly they agree i don't even have early symptoms.

I hear you
I don't have the same issues you are facing, so I can't really say much about that. However.... I am a HUGE masker like you and am only just learning to let go of that on here.
My therapist doesn't have a clue as to how I really feel. Last time I mentioned bursting out in tears over something small and stupid and she was SHOCKED... And told me she couldn't even imagine me crying or acting like that. Especially over something silly.
(While it happens so much it's normal to me)

I thought I was doing a great job letting her in because I was telling her all sorts of issues and things about how much pain I am in. But I never show it. I look calm, polite, collected and in control on the outside.

My point to this whole ramble is. Maybe you can let them read what you write on here, as you manage to convey your distress to us quite well!
Could you maybe take these messages, stick them into a word document, and mail them to them?
Just a thought/trying to help

 

[lostintheloop]

I hear you
I don't have the same issues you are facing, so I can't really say much about that. However.... I am a HUGE masker like you and am only just learning to let go of that on here.
My therapist doesn't have a clue as to how I really feel. Last time I mentioned bursting out in tears over something small and stupid and she was SHOCKED... And told me she couldn't even imagine me crying or acting like that. Especially over something silly.
(While it happens so much it's normal to me)

I thought I was doing a great job letting her in because I was telling her all sorts of issues and things about how much pain I am in. But I never show it. I look calm, polite, collected and in control on the outside.

My point to this whole ramble is. Maybe you can let them read what you write on here, as you manage to convey your distress to us quite well!
Could you maybe take these messages, stick them into a word document, and mail them to them?
Just a thought/trying to help

Sorry you can relate to masking, I know it can be lonely and exhausting. You're not rambling. I appreciate you sharing and suggestions thanks

It's a good idea thank you I will definitely use my posts to make some notes to share if /when I get an appointment again .