Venting losing my job and my sanity

[mob]

Let me start this off by saying I've been trying my absolute hardest to get better, but it seems that me, being the way I am, means I'll never get better.
I've been talking to psychologists and psychiatrists and they think I might be bipolar. I've been on various antidepressants, anxiety meds and mood stabilizers for years now and been struggling with being suicidal and depressed for well over ten years now. I'm twenty, so that's literally over half of my life.

I haven't been able to go to work or school, and have been on sick leave multiple times for over a month. Today I got a call: My boss would like to fire me, because I'm on sick leave again.

I told her I'm physically sick this time which isn't even true. But last time I told her about my mental wellbeing, it was seen as an excuse and I was told to talk to the work's psychologist. Which I did, but it didn't bring anything. Literally twenty minutes of "Yeah, at least try. Reward yourself for small things! Anyway, wish u the best bye." Well guess fucking what? If I even have to reward myself for small shit, how will I ever be able to do the "big stuff"? "At least try"? Am I not? It's never enough.

I then said it's not my fault that I'm ill, and she said that if I don't turn up to work on monday I'm fired. I have rent to pay, I have two cats to take care of. I don't even care whether I have enough to feed myself, but I can't let my cats starve, they're like my own children to me. They matter to me much more than I do. After separating from my ex I'm alone in a whole different city, since I moved.

Let's face the truth — I will never be "normal". I will always be mentally ill, I will always be myself. And that's a problem because I can't function in a society. If I'm not able to live a life where I work, earn money to literally exist, then I'm not meant to live at all.
I feel like such a fucking failure and this was just like a slap in the face, it's like someone screaming into my ears that I'm not meant to be here. I'm an adult now, and I fucking hate it. Everyone expects me to know how living works. Yet I will never figure it out. I wish I would've ctb much earlier but there's always been a spark of hope. That is gone now. This is reality - and reality fucking sucks and I don't want to live in this reality, with every single day being a struggle.

 

[reverieheart]

I hear you. Life is unfair, especially when it feels like no matter how hard you try, it's never enough. The world isn't built for people who struggle in ways others don't understand. I'm really happy you have your cats! They're good companions, especially on the hardest days.

 

[lawr]

I do wish workplaces would take mental health issues like yours more seriously. It's not "just an excuse", it's REAL and it's debilitating. At my workplace, they even downplay physical illnesses too... My manager once told us all a story about how she was pregnant and throwing up constantly yet still showed up to work every day, so if she could do that, so should we. Mind you, I work in a FedEx hub, and our job is very, VERY physically demanding. Like having to pick up and stack a 40-60 pound package a minimum of 1 every 6 seconds. Well excuse me for not putting shining the company's boot above my own health and well being. People need to be more understanding of each other but especially in the god damn workplace... Hope your prick of a boss develops some morals.